Soon I will drink and I will not get drunk like Mad Kerouac I am mad enough already (enough for my head to be warm and I picture Kerouac listening to Thelonius Monk and drinking to die or dying to drink and I finish Big Sur depresses the hell out of me all death sweet wine and death (drinking may make some girls seem clever, but most get silly. Silly Kerouac and theSur Sea burdens from the four dreams and the prophets are singing. The burden of the Lord is the four dreams or a long line transformer twisting Big Sur bridge bridge bridges bridge whirrrss the birds’ burden the glory of the Lord. I am your salvation surs the Earth (the Earth and life are one. The world and Life are Highway 1 God as mad as the sea (the whole insane poem sea. I loved running in the rain when I was little, says T. That’s the first thing I would do when it would start raining. Then later, I say, you convince your parents you don’t need a bath because you ran out in the rain. Yep, says T. I just remember playing in the mud. Mud is seriously the best thing, I say. Even now maybe. It’s raining and Mother complains she won’t be able to walk walk in the rain, I say. I could bring an umbrella, Mum says and the rain sorts the Earth into mud the mud Violet used to make pies. I think of T. on the beach of Galilee waves which are not waves at all fish the beach like the whole earth is partaking communion the sharks eat the flesh. I want to put together thefish, Levi says. Levi cannot put the fish together (see, that’s a lionfish. It’s mad, says Levi. Instead we play cars and shop for presents. Santa’s watching tv, says Levi. What’s he watching? I say. He’s watching Tom and Jerry. It’s a small tv, says Levi. Go get your Christmas presents, he says. Open the top. What did you get? I say. Trainstrainsawheelawheelawheelawheelawheelawheel and train tracks, says Levi. I got a hot dog, I say. It’s beautiful to know someone.
I dream I tell T. I have a crush on her and T. reveals she has a crush on me. I do not remember the rest of the dream. God the rain. God the rain. God the rain. The Son of Man Jesus the Son of God the rain. Don’t step in the water, says Levi. Time to get muddy, says T. The rain. Big Sur rain. Porterville rain. Levi gobbles up wet trees. I eat all the trees, says Levi. The rain hisses and surs uptop then down God the rain. Levi bangs sticks the rain is softer. The rainy season is not too many days. Christ the rain. It will rain on Christmas. Christina mailed me a gift. I’m anxious to receive it. I complain toChristina about Candy Land. It’s boring, I say. There’s not dramatic tension anymore since they changed the ending and any colour will win. Chutes and Ladders has much more tension, I say. The only reason I would choose Candy Land over Chutes and Ladders is the characters are really cute, says Christina. Christina’s nephew cheated at Candy Land. There were two cards left in the box, says Christina. He peeked at both. One was a color card and one was a character card. He chose the color card so he could win, says Christina. Levi doesn’t cheat but is impatient and hates waiting for his turn. Anyways, Candy Land is almost as boring as putting jigsaw puzzles together. Levi often tries to force in pieces that don’t fit. Match the colors, says Lala. Rain still rains and the soon more rain T. rides her dirt bike and I remember as a kid throwing slots of mud and mud gassed up our pedal powered cars. Rain returns to the beginning T. holy in the mud.
Month: January 2021
Excerpt from Bunnies For Christina (I Love Dinosaurs)
I love dinosaurs. Dinosaur posters adorn my room: one, a timeline Triassic/Jurassic/Cretataceous; a coat hanger with blockwoodcolour dinosaurcutouts; a dinosaur desk lamp; etc endless books and bookends describe fossils, skin, eggs (maiasaura and many baby maiasaura) — in layerssilicon or three rock layers and chalk — and now, many feathers. Galloping like creatures mixed cold/warm blood such long necks like when Iwatched the Land Before Time (premany butcher unnecessary sequel ): Longneck versus three horns versus sharp tooth (Christina’s Sharp Tooth vicious and eats both plant and meat) and Littlefoot searches Valleygreat where thetree stars are lik galaxy and barred spirals / other species littlecomingle until emergency and loneliness Mother dies defending young against my Tyranosaur and cry: but its not your fault — way of life, circlingevolution (Precambrian ( Cambrian ( Ordovician) and evolution plays nomercy or merry-go-rounds. Don’t step on a crack or you’ll break yourmother’s back. I love them: Littlefoot, Sarah, Duckie, Petrie, Spike –Spike is my favorite — quiet, marble heated, goofy. Dinosaurs are goodthings. We will die like the dinosaurs did, becoming birds afterwards:hips shifting, bones becoming hollow, spear-point feathers of all coloursto attract our mates (wild dances, head collars frilled, hopping likemadmen [mad birds]), feasting chameleons or earth rooms — Mongolian Earthrooms — red with blood (blood is all, which I give in remembrance of you). Calvin’s dinosaurs: monstrous killer death lizard dragging its alligatorsbelly through the gallery of decapitated naked people — I was Calvin a childhood [all childrish Christine Christine] and Hobbish consequences at acomputer learning to type from home row QWERTY and not touch backspaceexercises and I say to Veronica fancy meeting you here, and she likes thatsong Little Black Backpack and the radio in the classroom plays itsometimes (break up theclickclickclickclickclcicksicksicksickmechanicalclick) and machines ofgod/electronic typewriter of the gods and once I met her as a Greek,a trueMegaran and grace — and is many Greece is the origin of discipline andapostles (apostasy) — historical beginning historical Herodotus and also Homer a poet of a poet and father of Bart, Lisa, and Maggie] typographyhistory and Veronica Yvette is history and immersed herself in anarchistsand serial papers, a museum of knowledge. I sought her in computerstechnology(ing): the typing, word processor, spread sheet recorddinosaurian (might lizard; King lizard an Iguanodon thumb as a nose spike)and many genus belly. Cambrian hydrogen bomb — (we) must never forget ourglorious simian heritage. Mammalia rodent (six string drone studies [to myprimal self returning to my primal self] and continuous — evolve is apiecewise continuous function — well defined all points but mutation gaps– one nucleotide here, one structural inverse here, and the result isupright / vertical jaw motion / cranial capacity like a pomegranate — (we)must never forget (our) glorious simian heritage sightings Yeti or Sasquatch is glimpsing our heritage;regressionism (although there is noregression but roots taking back to root and miraje). Benjamin /Christina: I love you. I love you too. Yeah? Yep. How come? Because you’re Ben. There’s a lot of Bens in the universe. I know. Then why this Ben? Because you’re my Ben. So I’m special, huh? (a Ben Grin). Yep. She conceives House and Attic. When you grow old, you could come live in my attic, Christina says. What would your husband think? I say. We’ll keep you hidden — that’s why you’ll be in the attic. and then I can come visityou anytime I want. / Karen’s moving out… out into the sky… traning … atuning path) Ole Coltrane! a daring Spaniard improvising in a bullfight. Spontaneous natural life is very spontaneous as a saxophone tenor orsoprano (Christina What’s the difference between a lawn mower and asaxophone player? [what?[ a lawn mower cuts grass; a saxophone player smokes it). Often, recreation for (computer Dora) class — pinballelectric chorus [ringing bumpers like a cash register]; minesweeping and flags; Oregon Trail — I never used to buy wagon tongues until mine broke and it took me many days at the trade post looking for the appropriatebarrier and afterwards I bought wagon tongues and cuffs and lots of bullets(mmm buffalo) and float the wagon every time but die of scarletfever/malaria/snakebite anyhow) Knowledge is crucible a molten in Vulcan’shammer (a conductor a master swordsman) and many read Knowledge anddiscover \ like read destruction de Troy and Founding Rome to be Found andI crave founding (to be founded and foundational) and intensify as if a(pink) beam of (godly) knowledge… Faces and curiosities of the future — Iwho am curious, be not curious of futures — not unlike prophesy y visions,although a vision was mine: a glimpse of heavenly (San Franciscan;restoreearthshake) and there were wings (constructing and deconstructing again many times) in orbitation atomization around seraphim faces white andred folds of translucent fabric androgynous, in sphere’s disks to each other as well, slowing receding and grouping their bodies and wings (manywings inrows like stegosaurus plates) into one supreme thing, and thenapart, like a shewing pulse and rainbow. God (or a god) was one light acolumn although there was no confined no space between me and God and Godwent beyond me although it felt like a column that falls and rises like as earchlight and impossible objects surrounded him: trisected angles,squared circles, penrose triangles… LORD, I said, what counterpointcreative and soul existing complete mine aggregate and I hers […] [ She is undoubtedly female for Female and Male shunt one vine and vineyard whichcompletes and recalling Genesis mything in (primary) origin, createdtogether; prophets are created together and they are male and female:Moses and Miriam; Barak and Deborah; David and Abigail; Simon and Anna]completion inside humanity (human but relationship and kindling) For oncecomposition, in pure musics and sines no Lingua exception music — Languageis translation per translation per translation of untranslatable. Out of whirlwind suspending Earth a pocket watch ona chain and why God says wherethere is infinity; there I am — and — all line of thoughts lead toinfinite regression. I am the Sound — the Word comes After. Thinking thethought whether water babies [Capricorn lead Libra lead northern crosssignatures y signing, improvisation by butterflies opening the windows ofthe auditorium and audience hears silent colour monarchs leaving from ahole punched jar especially for this occasion and Miles, I said, your music is muted (harmon muted stemless) flutterbying in the middle register –THAT’S THE THOUGHT — like jazz improvisation — Coltrane playing in Japanbreathing a 20 minute soprano saxophone solo on Afro-Blue — Why did youplay for so long? It took that long to get it all in. God is and is in theimprovisation and the running of the blues down the cup and fifth: everytheoretical leads to an infinity (or regression of thesis and newsynthesis) like the most simple of recursive sequences: ao = 1, an+2 = an+1+ an and 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34 … Limit as n approaches infinity ofan+2 /an+1 = ( = 1+ (5 / 2 and in ( is god. (2 -1 = ( = (( )(( )- 1 = f / Us phi in two and subtract one [ {Benjamin, Christina} Ç {othersÎ 1} ] and maintains us singularly. Likewise, as an identity element, (e)(e) = (e) and the union maintains two is one and although there are twounique identity elements in system with three outcomes but the same result: (e’)(e’’) = (e’); (e’)(e’’) = (e’’); (e’)(e’’) = (e’’’) but allequivalent 1 [separate from {others Î 1; e’ = e’’ = e’’’ = 1 Ï 1} and gotthe whirlwind knows the paradox and (apparent) contradiction but itsconsistency. This is Fire and why the mirror reflects such orange bluestreaks of light. Columns and Columns mirrored and assembled no gravity nohands / partially translated I cannot hear but hear, satisfying. Themoving suspended dissipates — dematerization seraphim and demarked lightand Christ is God is one, lighting and music one moving and movingcontinuing to move complex fields fractal patterns self-similar and body ischurch a Christ (one), multiplied into infinity light descending on humanfaces many, the Kindred Facelike we meet, limbs and limbs, speaking whichone not speaks. Sometimes I pretend we are gods, I say to Christina, and maybe we are gods and don’t even realize it — when do you think Christ realized he was god (God)? We know at twelve he realized it.. What aboutbefore then? Do you think he just woke up one day and was enlightened? Perhaps someday we will wake up and be enlightened — do you know when I feel enlightened? when we converse — we are gods to each other then. Merchant as purchase ticket and bus and equipped busses precursor toenrichment class and classroom / Broadplay is purely American mix a lightoperetta a spur of drama and moving Ragtime. I see ragtime (Ragtime) anddoctoring script rowing script in a Century City a plaza going on bus (funbussing, nearly tearing the bottom of the bus going to low a dip in aparking lot and speeding like hell through the small streets) to Plaza (amovie theatre advertising Seven Years in Tibet; three floors of storesoutair and glass parent elevator crawling down and up repeatedly beforegettingchastised by a security guard) no recuerdo Christina unmemory only Veronica (wearing a pantsuit and beret and I follow her and Bonny aconfused and shy creature for quite some ways a crush a caravan) and forlunch, subway sandwiches and Ragtime itself (a Scott Joplin feel mapleleafing ragging in towing and four — cakewalk or a good boogie woogiething but even the caricature of that old (Benblood) music) was a spectacle with moving sets and heavy portions — Harry Houdini plottingstraightjackets and milk cans tight fit; fakes death every time death is disappointed except with sickness [Mirroring escape (named Mirror by Mirrorreflecting what Christina sees) and escape make my escape Christina a wifeand a mirror assisting gentle kiss] — and songs singing the immigrantsmany immigrants and explorer seeing path on steamships in dark and darknessunderstanding significance chosen / Evenlyn Nesbit (a sexy stripperaccording to one vocabulary test) and criminal century architect and Loversor production Lines (Sarah Brown Eyes, don’t be shy…Sarah Brown Eyes come on take a chance… dancing with a ghost a time period a turn of changingalways changing and objects like fame and success in stock exchange, alwaysperiodic up and down upping and downing dowsing drowsy for Dream American a Liberty somewhere Free a freeman (not a bondsman not under a nobleservitude but a compass) — a lock a right angle and moving pictures forchildren à novelty à new is attractive although rotoscope is protocinema(not meant art but just the novelty of movement, moving itself flip flipflip flip) and that success and Dream and marry to Explorer’s once wife,ragtiming ragtiming) and the ERA [armchair to call a bracket of time ERA;it means the survivors have all died and no left to recount experience –then its archaic; ancient — the industrial revolution, the jazz age, theswing era — etc etc]; dreaming locking automobile black. On the way homewe eat at In N Out Burger (or McDonalds — but who in their right mindwould eat at McDonalds? Oh, Veronica…) and it was wonderful anddelicious butMcDonalds has a ballpit and some fellows (unnamed) had a riotwith them and discarded them outside the pit and left in (our) bussesbefore being discovered by management] Seeing Phantom of the Opera in San Francisco; elaboration actress a Christine (my Christine) celebrating aCarmen a Bizet with elephants (descendents Hannibal’s elephants / Africanmajestic) and she sings and awaits angelic / covering cherubs / guardiansunto the gift — Angel of Music and like Music a mystery and fantastic (Christine I say you are a Muse why need any angel except me? an Actress’s acts acting upon apostles and Nats aching always — we always Muse musing)and the ghost of Opera Houses is music and coulomb’s music) Music Night ofNight for things of night are different than day and cannot be described interms of day: photosynthesis, solstice, care righteous, equator — but thedark and the night of itself, being children in the night but not of the night a thief in the night and sometimes the night is alright being withone or kerosene a Christine her hair likenight and comfortable and notkilling or injuring like being of a world (a world of many worlds) but aneater worlds (a Unicron or Galactus); musicking nocturnal and persuaded bycover grotesque follow Phantom Ghosting hidden under or transient to operahouse (housing operas, ghosts, mites, egocentricity) and Phantom is pitchcentricity a pearl centric Christinecentric although one wonders Love or if Love exiting at all between two unknowns (observer and subject, stalkingand being stalked) or equivalent fascination fascinating and I supposethat’s how such crushings start / crush chew up diamond riverbed or Mainelobster and ballrooms and costumes (pretending my ballroom and costumes tocome) in fairs how and lights a glimmer box [light box orchestracardfilingcardcapturecarddirection] — costumes sometimes feels a differentperson or the Phantasm is same and is a costume, a mask/covering and I wonder at what point when one becomes hermit either living cabin in Springville; underneath opera houses; in apartments filled with cocainepackets and insulin injections) like a dungeon and reaching for this few orthat hand (like a Christina hand and fingernails painted) and six monthsand disappearing / reappear sending all sorts of crystal crashing andpieces into ground it is grounded. Pressing the Olives like a romance andit is of course a kind of ballet in the moving in the position of arms legsand torso, and all attired black, cloaking black (for black was the colourof her hair, my young maid said, my young maid said) and halfway throughChristina realizing dueling with a Phantom as myself in the course of danceand the Louisiana Swamp South trudging and mucking into quite a riling andruckus circuitry — kidnapping gracefully. Christina says, Ben you should kidnap me sometime and drive wonderful to New Orleans and We could spendthe night in Lafayette Cemetery. Kidnap you? Yep — When I least expect it, whisk me away… But not in the trunk — it would be uncomfortable in the trunk. I’ll just pretend you have a gun or something and then I can ride in the front sea(t) and we canhave those interesting conversationskidnappers and their Stockholm (Stockhausen) syndromed passengers have /Chose grave visit grave and many epigram and sometimes Father orGrandfather / Grandmother and Influence Here Infamous appearing in spar(k)sand flowers of skull but eventual — it’s all eventual that grotesquecamouflages except freaks with knives assemble — disappearing underneaththe lounge paroling bar / or as a dismay child sought the Lion King and thetwirlybirds (revolving circular) sharp colours very conspicuous and theshadow puppets speaking spirit (shadow is character, the revelation innardsand Spirit is from the gut, the diaphragm) — often Stampede is genesisscatter movement clearing in clearing is the silence where one hearsconsciousness (or lack of it) — but also recognizing heritage anddeterminant — heritage being chain atop chain gratins boundary and themakeup and costumes were so pretty (lots of orange and yellow becausethey’re lions you know) — when I was younger, Christina says, my littlesister was really into theLion King and I told her that she had to eatthis grub or you can’t be Timon — she ate the grub. I laugh. I don’tknow if I would like a sister like you, I say /and certain, man is a questfor Powerful or Persona. A man is a Lion and a Lion is a man and oftenquest the same meat, the same game. The hunter’s will — and either oneescapes into junglefold and meets carefree (or careless often one of thesame but sometimes necessary too for I am careless oft in the rain or mudnot noticing much car lights) / but my favorite are the birds / cryptozoickrill red cyclical cycle cyclical) mutual influence evolutionary:predator/prey or cling parasite/host) regal some elephants [some elephantsparading colours and trunk car trunk sitting cars clearance four directionsand wondering Scicon and sleeping Winter haven a terrible woodpecker of a place acorns in crevices and rarely shower (twice a week but not our faults, but the clumsy crowsyness and too many cabins for one bathroom) and reading 20,000 Leagues under the Sea (Nautilus Shell Brothers a Mariobrothers bullet)
Excerpt From Untitled Book #15 (Yet You Have Crushed Us)
Yet you have crushed us as the sea serpent was crushed and covered us with deepest darkness
Crushed us as the sea serpent
Crush me, Christ: crush me as cornerstone and keystone. I crumble against your stone and it shatters me completely. Crush me, Christina: crush me as the cry of Creation, and recreate me through the pieces. Assemble me from my ashes. I swim to sea and the ocean offers me the sea serpent and sea sovereign as a scroll, and the serpent surrounds me. The serpent surrounds me and surveys my skin and soul, the celebration of Christ. Serpent seethes as dragon, and dragon dives deep, a discourse between Christ and antichrist, and the Christ clutches and redeems.
Covered us with deepest darkness
Cover and conceal: conceal and camouflage: I covet nothing but Christ in Creation / Jesus hidden in earth and heaven. Christ and Christina churn the ancient chaos, chaos serpent and chaos dragon, and from the frills and flood emerges Yahweh a thundering God and lightning God of gods. The chaos charges charismatic, spirits spilling spirits, and each possesses me in prophecy, and I’m driven to depths. I’m drilled to deepest darkness, the dark of God and Jesus that brings justice and judgment, and I fail against the scales, the balance bodied against Benjamin. Yet Christina’s chaos shares charity and charis, and God’s grace gifts givenness, the absolute Adonai without separation, and I handle and hug the most venomous serpent.
And he asked the scribes, what question ye with them?
And ask: And asked as anchor – anchoring the asking and asking anchor askew, a chariot and cherub to the scribal spew – and I scribe. I scribe and I write, and I write law and anti-law. I write law and arche-law, law before law and law after law, not under the law of God but under the law of Christ. I question and quest: I question God and Christ, and their questions to questions skewer me: I Am before I Am and I Am after I Am: I Become. I become anointed in the asking and axeing, chopped cherry to the root, and all root rips fire.
The Eagle is the subtlest path so that this path is proper to transcendental labour
The Eagle isles infinite: the eagle inlets invisible dwelling place and invisible flight, the flow from feather to feather. Flow feasts path: path paving path and path plowing path and this path poses the most subtil of all created creatures and beasts of the field. The path procures the field, the transcendental labour of sowing and harvest, and the transcendental terrains Taryn. The transcendental labours light, light from the leopard leaping light.
Excerpt from Bunnies For Christina (High School Children swarms)
High School Children swarms, sardine pinks flippered through heavy outer doors (push bars, ground steel blue) into campus circles and centers. Proliferation foreign languages and “dense” literature mock literature pretending it is a ringing Revolution bells and glockenspiel but reality, it’s a toy piano (exception: A Cage Suite for Toy Piano is a great major / Caging Simple and sounds way y chance although chronologically existing priorChance, is also exist post Chance — time is forever dividing itself into innumerable futures, Christina, and in one of them, I am your enemy — Caging enemy has many enemies, most of all, control. Control is warfare — genocide, ethnic cleansing, gang wars, territory, etc / Remove Control and there is freedom, sweet suite as the toy piano moving in the span of one octave [octavius. Dr. Octopus corriding eight battling all adolescence and grow — reduce is grow, grafting true vine, rapid vine, a first construction in mental]. Arising out of asking questions and realize, there is no one particular solution but the renunciation of choices — then answers — the choices unchoosing have in common — is the question, all translucent sheets layered to create the experience. Springs wind-up toys minute instruments ARE experience and children in the house smacking pots and sticks together on a rainy day is free and recognizable. I recognize it as both literature and artnest) — mesostic vertical name — powerful Name / dialoga Socrate and bring chance to that old sophist, homology violin dance with thy gay lover, call-borate dance and making — a mistake is besides the point, for whatever happens, authentically IS — sounds and silence, tacet sometimes but containing to listen (scuffle uncomfortable and whisper many, all improvisation). Intuitive verse improvisation verse aleatoric not remaining inpage and not thinking/thinking — or rather the consciousness, yes indeed intuitive succumb / vibration of the universe, playing a tone so long it shimmers | that is where the lack of purpose originates/ No purpose is purpose for this is the nature of cycle and flux: uxx(x,y) + uyy(x,y) = 0: (from the mushrooms to the stars, existing nonpurpose simply existing) which we circulate and junkyard toy pianos [holy ghost children] and water filled conch shells, gurgle water, gurgle NameName Family saint [ JosephMarie MarieJoseph and genealogies] \ cycles — flow time in String String String String in Four Parts — Summer (summer sumeria), Autumn (Toru Takemitsu’s Autumn), Winter (I shall tell it softly as not the spirits yonder can hear it), Spring (Renewel through Chaos) \ moving softly, almost stationary and then flowing like a river and instead functional (no head for harmony) (no extremes or maximizing for harmonical harmonicity) is the beautiful itself moving from gamut to gamut — this aggregate, hearing the silence within the sound itself. A Sabbath waking Up Sleeper, rising from dead (deadening) cycle Life-Death-Life cycle palindrome Ada oro Eve my Love my Christian Love) Four2 or thirty-seven interact govern interact — sound — no longer argue consonance and dissonance but rather musical sound and nonmusical sound (Us-ing the spectrum White of sound) then chancing changes time — expanding from singular points (seconds, various fractions of seconds, linear addition of seconds) to intervals and boundaries of times — parts without scores; narrow band pitches that any play (within Four); coordinates; individual music moments from gamut to time delay; [0 00 – 0 37]∪[0 00 – 0 22] à ∞ / one chooses one’s own chance and uncontrolled over the neighbor ensemble within the span of time, within the interval of time (I do this activity, I make breakfast, within certain laws of gravity and physics — but chance the bus crashes through my front door) — one choice belonging to the chance of time, a measure of time. Collective Universe Universal Living Other Living Galaxy Cluster (local group) and if spatial aspects considering a pulse and ant pulse (the Fundamental Beat, diving into many) and once both time traveling forwards and backwards simultaneously as in a Crab Cannon (Kablooie! Silverware, rum bottles) / Pressing towards a goal which ungoal (my purpose is no purpose; my time is alltime/notime; Yah harry)
Arraways plosion, as extraterrestrial pauging corridor and reckless I wrocking determinant, colleagues expansion, I a cofactor and I meet second coming always coming SerraChristina \ Marie a geometer and a protractor glide] classroom classing pout Christina pouting (although I had forgotten thee FaceChrisFace like ChildrenChildhood, placing pasting and I forgot so many persons and loves, the upmost love — don’t forget things, Christina says — she knows my memory)/ Euclid Investigators arranged four-group (Christina and me elements of the four-group). One point meets a point is the number line (We are the point and the real line). The line extends indefinitely in either direction (Christina Direction approaching right Benjamin Direction approaching left)/ Right angles are congruent π/2] which two lines perpendicular (Benjamin/Christina both perpendicular and simile line simultaneously embody geometry, the radium circle (compass circle, earth circle orbit circle). I remember you! I say. You were the weird girl in my English class. She is exiting her remnant (and maybe increasing) weirdness, writing weird lyrics: infested, polluted, 80 tons of mercury dumped in the bay: I’m not weird! She says. But I remember you too — ancient Rival. Killer Rivals. The ammisandivis. I nod. This is a most opportune time for us then! I say, to know Us as enemies and the clay which we are made.
(I love you though I do not know you and I love you as strong as the death)[…]
Excerpt from Untitled Book #15 (I Suffer From)
I suffer from a strange psychosis for God. God has injured me and only he can heal the wound; it is the thorn in my side. His grace is indeed sufficient for me, and in my weakness is his strength, but I hunger and thirst for God constantly, and there is never enough God to satisfy me. My desire and obsession with God borders on monomania. God injures: God binds up: God has injured me with this monomania but he has yet to bind me up. I’m not sure what that would entail: perhaps I will not reach the binding up until the beatific vision upon departing this earth. I am called to be a prophet of God, to prophesy through my writings, but at the same time, I often experience darkness and despair. I alternate between spiritual ecstasy and dark nights of the soul for God.
And Peter answered and said to Jesus, Master, it is good for us to be here: and let us make three tabernacles: one for thee, one for Moses, and one for Elias.
Master, make me new: make me anew, a Son of Man to a Son of Man, and my humanity flourishes under your flesh. Master: it is good for me to be here: be near and be new, being benjamin, and I go to the gospel as a prophet: I go to the Good News as a nurse and I nurse the news new and anew, and I build benjamin a tabernacle, a tabernacle in three: trinity triune Trinity, and KRYSXTRYN X KRYSXTRYN, depths and deep of the Godhead. Each depths and deep of the Godhead. Each tabernacle toasts Temple, Moses to Krystal, Christ to Christina, and Elias to Taryn, and I fulfill the law and the Prophets through Gospel and Kingdom.
Her fingers and toes touch the four cardinal points
Her fingers feel me flush, future and fantasy finishes clean. Fingers fold five against my future, and future fits her fingers female. Her toes tip the taste of touch Taryn, clutching her breasts naked, and her body extends flesh in fours: Trinity plus one and Trinity plus Trinity, unity in three and plus three, and the four fasts cardinal Christ and Christina around cardinal, the crux of the mystery. Mystery parks the points perfect in her position.
Oh My Mother stretch yourself over me, that I may be placed among the impersonable stars which are in you, that I may not die.
Mother, moor a mast, and moor aftermath, the moving mist of my body, and you birth benjamin. Stretch your skin over my skin, our skulls silking silence, and your stretch saws me spineward. Place and pluck me among the points of your stars, and stars stem stalk tall, total light with total light, the imperishable incarnation Christ, and through Christina-Christ, I do not die.
For he wist not what to say; for they were sore afraid.
I wist woman where and when: I was waving woman where and when, each woman what behold the wilderness, and not what to say, but why to say: say in Spirit and say the signature and inscription. Sore afraid sore in spark and spirit, and I fear not for perfect love drivers and fear. I fear not but fear in awe, the adoration, and Adonai allows me the fear, afraid not in the apartment but make it an altar
Excerpt from Untitled Book #15 (All The Letters)
All the letters were arrayed in their wheels by the expanding scribal matrix of the nexus
Letters
I learn the letters. I lift the letters to learning, all light from all light, and light lumes all and flares all, the silent blare boisterous in its kerning and kenning. Letters loosen and loosen law in freedom, Torah Taryn repetition, and repetition changes law and ordinances. Laugh the letters: lap the letters but the letters last by all and beyond all, tracing and lacing moment by moment the meaning.
Arrayed
Arrayed by Adonai, setting letters in olive and soil, and the place pearlettes light in signature. The signature lights holy light patterned and lanterned as letters in mid-air. In air, Adonai, Adonai aero and aether, and the invisible becomes visible through his breath a divine wind blowing over waters. Letters trouble the water.
Wheels
Wheels wail Woman. Wheels wail woman’s letters and women letters, the everlasting and enduring edge on edge. Wheels track and tick time times half-time, waltzing wonderful and wild, and the writing writs whirring wild from the whirlwind. Woman, warp me by your whirlwind, a wasp wattled through the wadi flooding stinging transformation.
Matrix
Matrix metrics Mother, the distance from Mother and me, a vanishing zero. Matrix muses Mother a muse, and my Mother mines and mimes my prophecy. Prophesy Mother, a child to be born through the letters and numbers of the name. Prophesy Mother, your maidservant and handmaid, blessed by all generations through God’s grace. The zero throws zero and the zero grows zero, the zealot from Zion, and I symbolize the letters by the sign.
Nexus
Nexus announces newborn. Nexus enunciates newborn letters, a babe baptized in locusts and honey, and you, my child, will be a prophet of El Elyon and El Shaddai, nexus in names and of names, another tempest and temptress transforming as empress. Empress emerges as High Priestess, a prophetess to my prophet, and our letters lamb Christina and Christ. The letters behold the lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, a wheel within the wheel of Whirlwind Woman.
On that day the LORD with his cruel sword, his mighty and powerful sword, will punish Leviathan the twisting sea serpent, that writhing serpent Leviathan; he will slay the monster of the deep.
On that day
Day descends day-star. Day deeps star by star, cool constellations and all the sons of God shouted for joy. Shout day: praise day: morning and evening, the first day.
His cruel sword
God casts his cruel sword into my soul, and slices, severing soul from soul into seven: seven days, seven dolors into seven sabbaths. Cruelty crushes and recreates, no sabbath for my soul.
Mighty and powerful sword
Mighty the sword minces and paradoxically names mercy: mercy and memory to Benjamin, mercy and mankind to Joseph. Merciful power: power in plague and pestilence that purifies my person.
Leviathan the twisting sea serpent
Leviathan specializes the letter in light, a serpent of the light, and the light coils Christina and twists Taryn. Light sees sea, soothing the serpent spread, and spares none and nothing.
The writhing serpent Leviathan
The writhing writes the written word, and Word writhes Woman glory God glory. Woman seizes serpent and steals gnosis, a new name spelled Leviathan by the letters, and the sword slays and slains the secret.
Monster of the deep
Depths reveal monstrosity: deep visions monstrous abyss and chasm, creation’s eyeball of God. God peers and spears the sword spawning behemoth and leviathan, burning Benjamin in depths, and the monsters mark and remake me remain in the deep.
Excerpt from Tigers for Taryn (I Miss Elle)
I miss Elle. I have not heard from her in a long time. Elle gaps like gods transition Holy Ghost. Christ is the transition between God and the Holy Ghost and Christ gave up into the Holy Ghost. All of you will be made to stumble because of me, says Christ himself stumbles. I stumble and Elle gaps My God Phil (the Ghost among us. Walt Disney among us. I await the resurrection of the dead. The food on the plate will start to disappear. Body reappears or appears for the first time (the body of Christ for the first time. T. has two dogs. Oh no a dog person! I say. I hate cats, says T. I tell T. about the time me and C saw Siberian Huskies in the pet store window and how C fell in love and cooed at them (I forgot about those huskies! Says Christina. I’d like a puppy but they take a lot of work more work than our useless cat. He’s just a lump who keeps eating the Christmas tree, says C. Christina got Thomas venture brother cuff links, French cuff links, Earth the Book, a couple of dinosaurs and chocolate oranges (yuck! says Christina) for Christmas. Thomas should be careful around those dinosaurs or they will get upset and eat him. I got T. a Christmas card. It is not as impressive as a dinosaur, but it has Snoopy and Woodstock on it.
We knew each other for a long time and life was boring. We know each other and life is boring. Christina can eat two boxes of macaroni and cheese in one sitting. I have coffee with Ann Marie and we talk about Ezekiel. Israel is a woman (the lamb is a woman. You will no longer hire lovers (the burden is the trauma of love. Creation is an attempt to reconcile the trauma to the body love cannot be reconciled. Love opens the body is an empty tomb death happens. The tomb is empty death happens. Creation resurrects death. I drink a gingerbread latte. I think of C.C. who is coffee coffee coffee (Lorelai says coffee coffee coffee. The brown bird pecksat the Chevy’s license plate. I will write a series of shark poems for T. I do not know yet if she will be eaten. It’s amazing how stupid you can be when you’re in love, says Lucy Van Pelt. Love is not knowing what you’re talking about. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I talk about emerald tiger beetles. Christina is a sestina. T. is terse. Yeah, says T. Nice. That sounds good. T. is terse. I mistake words for things. No one needs more poets. Christina teaches, not writes. Meg will teach and not write. I will nurse wounds and mistake them for things (the Real is not impossible. Repetition is the negation of revision. I talk too much. I should be terse. I will not be terse. My brain is full of marbles marbles poured into an open piano. A valentine out of season. I played flute the other day, Christina says. I forgot a lot of stuff. I still remember how to play hobbits and some marches and of course the Imperial March. Thomas laughed that that’s the one thing I was sure to remember, says Christina. I haven’t played saxophone in a long time. I listen to Alabama by John Coltrane. I listento My Favorite Things by John Coltrane and his soprano saxophone sounds like a double reed.
I’m meeting T. today for coffee. Makes me nervous. I am almost not nervous. I’m too self-aware. T tress t her narrows the room. T east saying less I avoid disaster. I don’t know what I say too much altogether. I saw a dream like this. I did not dream. I wake early what the hell am I doing. I am doing what the hell go on well go on what the hell I’m doing so I go. Love makes you do strange things. I go I will be brilliantly and confidently awkward. T. will be pretty. T. is pretty. She wears those torn up jeans and I can’t imagine her in a dress and I realize I’m not nervous. I offer to pay, but she declines and I think of that episode of Doug where Doug and Patty Mayonnaise go to the movies and Doug is trying to figure out if it’s a date and Patty pays her own ticket and Doug thinks it’s not a date. It turns out T. has a Starbucks gift card and I used up my last one a few months ago so I pay cash and I get a Pumpkin Spice Latte (two times in a row I don’t order a whitechocolate mocha. T. orders some blended drink and she wants to go to the beach it’s too cold here and she says she would have gone last weekend but her friend had to work and so here she is stuck in Porterville having coffee with me. We talk too much is wonderful and T. hates med-surg there’s too many old people, says T. I hope to go to Sierra View first. I hope I go first too, I say, so the second half we can go get tortas. T. had too many pneumonias (so that’s why she did so well on her pathophysiology. They should make cards for pathophysiologies like they do for meds, says T. You should invent them, I say, and you’ll make a lot of money off poor nursing students. T. was a terrible child. When I was in kindergarten, a girl brought her favorite book and I threw it in the mud, says T. I’m glad you mellowed out as you got older, I say. An old man with a long beard walks into the Starbucks. Look, it’s Santa Claus, says T. (he looks like Santa Claus if Santa suffered from several consecutive hangovers. I almost laugh. I go home almost mad and I read Mad Kerouac’sBig Sur and of course he’d keep drinking despite the madness and he’d die from all that drinking and it reminds me when I went hiking there and I was too fat and I couldn’t finish the hike I fell. Fuck you Kerouac I use real names (T. is a real name. Nursing is in us forever, huh? Says C.C. Yes, no escaping from it even on winter break, I say. I went to my friend’s mom’s funeral, says C.C. and she died from complications of pneumonia and my brain started thinking like a nurse wondering if they had done everything. We will be terrible patients, I say. We will quarrel with doctors and nurses. We will demand to see our charts and demand changes be made.
Excerpt from Bunnies For Christina (Ego Supremum)
Ego supremum Oresteia matropattercides in one swift slow/falsetto Kassandra greek battery soothsays doom faintly cigarette, same consistency as a bullet — maritime to a grape god and a shine pel à revengeful revenging revengeful reiterating and rusty and plugged a poor father with the bad side of the sword, sleecing white — affirmatively choral! [we what get for prophets being, two sackcloth witnesses] moral voice antilistens, sucking young. Opine justine Athena hence ghost trial millennial Fair Trial (all clones all tragic stop), shrieking ancient Low (the creator of this world is demented) — Sow haruspex and oracled the seventh grade — a butcher or harbor /his meat cleaver / into commandeering hydraulics and chair — an executioner’s modern guillotine, standing face upwards. This is an invitation like a wedding card or Christmas greetings. Into the cushions you go! and her parents divorce tried to kill her too — not even battle custody just brought up and leaving like an arctic tern a yellow-tail swallowed mirroring Marilyn Monroe [stip –sip — strip] clocks. If ever drunk not maliciously (for my love) but Patriarch drunkenly so and smells perfumes as fresh as children’s flesh, sweet like oboes and green like meadows and celebrates such a carnival before the giving of Lent, giving up a Life entirely (suppering affairs or handholding, and ironic in a sense in continues into a bloodline linear, her kissing whatever boys — time out of mind — Time pieces gumming in and out — and boyfriend so mean, you know — but quite different in the device and surround; absent children, for example, casual — it must be always in the most casual sense although that is still I jealous and contraposisted — I say to her, I think of you less. But I think I lied to her when I said that. Not a complete lattice. Be good, I say, be true to your Dick and ignore the insects — insects are born from the sun, they are kisses from the sun, and Icarus you — be good. [[Hospitales with so many of these tubes, the blood being so thick that none flows so easily — lack of iron, lack of force and guts one says. None so cut as a hearty soup and a child is only a child. Urban ploring like Bridges and Orbits] Smashing some chair a grandfather made and I don’t know how paranoid — I get the feeling sometimes — or why eating my Halloween candy? Not eating your Halloween candy. You could have just asked you know. I DIDN’T EAT ANY/ Oh-arrest-these, gattling eggshell busby: soul gouged eyes and wailing white flame, zeppelin weightless fire, floating up ash. That is alone the sweeping and tipsy of airframes — the sliding of daughters down gravity, a rail of gravity and weightlessness. Blood familial — homony corrugate blood as perforated magazines subscribe — embity Christinaless, alicial, grave gravesite — psalm. Wogging tails angry and growling friendly-like. Vibrations are blue poles the clean hands — deep colour, rotation orange, pure lines (antigeometry lines) [formed valic helium a whole boxworth — photograph slutty santa lingerie, black — mascara and a eyelash curler, the sexy scowl, a cigarette: our fist fights (rumbles in the Jungle) / always nearly killing Us both. That — Alive. Such blood] Down the ice palace like a melting princess, a melting monarch. In her room, stealing chair and babel, power towers of babel, group Knuth arrows, and — Christina we could move in together! — […] Christina, if we get married we can […] I love you, let’s run away to New Orleans and — […] Christinaweary solder and she roll eyes egotistical I’s but sympathetic — more sorry for or maybe through psychosis but Loves anyways — For that, I am grateful. Ben you know I’m not good to be with (there are a million reasons, like how untrustworthy I am and …). Those blue poles when you drunk Jackson driving (sometimes — most of the time — driving even paramedic and behind in the back of the ambulance strapped into the gurney (or whatever they call it these days — straight lace back stable cot is what I call it, with immobiling straps, a portable straightjacket if there ever was one) and for half an hour driving to any destination and it’s cold so I’m glad they put a blanket over me, and all I see is the passing over of highway behinds me through tiny rectangle windows and l crank my neck around and look around — instant sugars, adrenaline, sodium somethings, oxygen masks, a coffee pot (for those late late nights); looks like the inside of a coffin I thought to myself, they transport the sick and dying inside moving coffins dull light of coffins and nobody says anything at all, just doing their jobs, and I don’t say anything because what is there to say in such a time like this? and I arrive and then I […] — / that’s how I imagine it was sometimes even seatbelt less and I wish I understood more and all I can do is write sometimes to help me Into what Is, not to say this happened or that happened but rather to say I’d like to understand I want to know — and moving and even risking death to be with those you love… driving, some stars — the ammonite and swirl um atmosphere like an artist, the bluest enamel like blocks of resurrection and dripping the drunk water faucet and I saw your eyes ambition — alcoholic — as one, galaxy. galaxy; dripping from a stick, slacked around, dip and poured. Psalming Psalms the spawl sparl of suicide, dropped like a pistol or matador / delusion of the Fury percussion endless autumn, a foreign language these songs no more, a famous on harp and lyre, leaving the birds you killed at your father’s feet. Bilderburging to a grocery store (unique Chris, that you an upmost guardian to grain and sacrificial animal) / hunting for an extended weekend (birds birds birds what kind? I ask, surely not Bird’s kind. I heard Bird who says by using the high, played what was heard inside — that’s when Bird was born. Not that Bird, although many hunted him, including the same hunters as Her father) / car ride Sundays despite risk injuries and thrown mottle in the back of the head requires stitches but worth it sometimes, you know? That’s what it means to be a family — forgiving and forgetting to forget. So if one Thanksgiving one wakes up and is invited to participation of Dad and daughter, all worthy and in the next morning coffee is good, the best coffee has ever been or ever will be — futures sum, sparkle sometimes / Christina the Mocking Memory — consciousness and memory are mutually exclusive — I live your memory through me — and I become memory and unconsciousness. A complement. Hare
the alto saxophone as a snake in fourth grade
(grading scalar and points) “back me up Diz!” on the trumpet and jammed
the tunes in the music rooms
despite being agnostic on bebop
so play it cool, jazz cat
and sleep underneath the music sheets.
except: I exited on blue track, art —
I exited the band.
Some boredom slug, white lye;
Sergeant pepper nudge and rye
Sledgehammer to the small of the back
curb stomp the teeth and brains:
functioning too loudly of upper skull cavity octaves /
Christina and Lucy in the Sky
with diamonds
(in the dark, the black magic) delirious and hallucinogens:
aren’t those stars something? and
radio playing and locked the automatic car doors
in dismal tequila races
polluted lime flavor atmosphere and
depraved
box mimed statuary wasteland
this puzzled hard swallow
down-not-so-easy without the medication
and something like
an asthma and panic attack
of the first kind
off the highway hill off town —
The Queen is Dead.
Thanatos, Christina — aggressive / destruction
a bit of orange and a haircut,
gel, the spiky crown upon)
splintering past the stucco:
a holy grail a dripping lance a fisher king and no question
I ignoramus if I could be feast and know not the question
an anachronistic
to prevent the taunting
or
the tongue-down-the-throat
homemade amateur videos and/or movies
The Queen is
DEAD in Antarctica landscape
Snow falls asymmetrically on me, still exhaling frost walking ice and frozen rivers (the Charles?) and I remember the Jewish girl Jesus stole from death and when Cephas resurrected Dorcas — I need you though I do not know you, and I love as strong as the death. [exhale] It is pretty in a way today is and a car crash — no wait — a bumbling HEAD SHAKE bumble bee — a queen, the Queen tremors like Parkinson’s but not a disease, just disorderly bee and eggs some egg (a disorder) and a drone to fertilize it. you queen your childhood your lifetime I live your lifetime I was your lifetime and I have not forgotten and I never forget I forget like Death does and you spill unto me your ruby your sun and white light and I am blind and I do not know what time it is only watches as a time and time is a Watch a Watchman hanging on bells and ropes and I wonder what they are tuned to probably tuned to the C the note that starts Christina and maybe ends with A which ends you. You are the Gamma and Alpha I am the Beta and Nu and I make all things new in a rosette and keptomaniac like candy barred from entire departments, casinos or jail time as kissing my baby on top of her head (on this spot where the hair is like this or this or a black a red a blonde or lavender) and a lip piercing expensive ring gagging is a window mistress a window mistress just window shopping — sultry vocal unique the stockings and nylon and pretty feet toenail sparklers in a pottery glaze. Oh Christina you alcohol you laughing gas peyote and LSD encompassed the drinking I want to kiss you and kiss you — those beautiful drunken lips and hips! — and taste a little and swallow a little to sleep the entire summer over with that bottle of a body on this couch sleeping and not wake up early in the morning.
Excerpt from Untitled 15th Book (Book Transforms)
Book transforms, a cloud of witnesses. Book translates cloud of unknowing cloud of becoming: becoming Benjamin, a Son of Man – Adam Kadmon – Human Being. Book binds bound becoming, beckoning becoming and birds bring letters angels celeste celestial. Each letter chimes color: each letter chimes becoming, blue bouncing blue – red roping red – green grinding green – rare rainbow brightness illuminating beginning and beginnings.
Transformation steadies: transformation steadies strange, rain ring rain, droning drops dressing my dance, and I dance daring transformation. I move mother translation, a mocking minuet, and transformation mocks sincerely and succinctly. Transformation parodies and palimpsests, a collision collage collecting texts, and each text tempts and tests.
Text troubles: text troubles as Taryn, my trembling spouse, and she spins transgressions and sin. My sin transforms and transfigures into gold Trinity and silver, a mine mine minerals materializing ore and offering. Text offers absolutely: text mines completely, setting an end to all darkness, the stones of darkness and the shadow of death
/ placing sapphires and gem dust.
Transformation necessitates the tug and turn, pulling twine twins gems Gemini, and her eyes narrow the straight gate, overlapping broad destruction and desolation, the desert transformation by testing and temptation. Turn to the desolate place to pray: turn to the desert place to pray secret and solitary, the Joshua tree twisted two, and where two or three, salvation. Salvation – transformation – sanctification – sanctuary: the desert sanctuary traveling as the temple and tabernacle, and I lead as a leviathan. I bend Book as behemoth, a burgeoning Baptist breaking levees levels leftward, the Word to Woman. Woman limbs left thwarting the side of evil.
From the Red book by CG Jung:
When the desert begins to bloom, it brings forth strange plants. You will consider yourself mad, and in a certain sense you will in fact be mad. To the extent that the Christianity of this time lacks madness, it lacks divine life. Take note of what the ancients taught us: madness is divine.
I will not lie: my love for the Divine and for the Godhead is certainly a kind of madness. It is a longing and thirsting for the Godhead. My soul is a desert waiting for the floodwaters of the Divine. My life is a wilderness awaiting the Divine Flame and Shekinah to spark forth as a wildfire that sets my whole landscape aflame. My Christianity is certainly a madness: a madden longing for God.
From the Dialogue of St. Catherine of Siena:
Oh Abyss of love! What heart can help breaking when it sees such dignity as yours descend to such lowliness as our humanity? We are your image, and you have become ours, by this union which you have accomplished with man, veiling the Eternal Deity with the cloud of woe, and the corrupted Clay of Adam. For what reason? – Love. Wherefore, You, O God, have become man, and man has become God.
The Abyss of Love: it was through the Abyss of Love creation was manifested through the Wore, and the same Abyss of Love motivated the kenosis and incarnation of that word, Jesus Christ Our Lord. God is love: Christ is love, and it is truly an unfathomable abyss, and in it, one dies and is baptized. One is purified as by clean fire through the Abyss of Love. As CG Jung wrote in the Red Book: ‘God is love – but love can be terrible’. Yes, a terrible purifying love because God is a consuming fire. God is fiery love, the vehement flame, the love many waters cannot quench and is strong as Sheol – this is the love that made God into man, and humanity into God, able to be unified with the energies of the Godhead.
: I had a revelation yesterday. Want to hear it?
: Yep!
: I wrote this in one of my discord chants. Perhaps I have been all too guilty of being too self-involved, even with the Living of God – I must pursue something both simultaneously outward and inward: inwardly transforming and outwardly loving. I have been going through a mystical spiritual transformation and I thought this was an inward cleansing of my soul, but this inward cleansing must come with outward love: love absolute and love unconditional. Perhaps this is what my transformation has been culminating into. The question becomes then, what can I do to love my neighbor absolutely.
: That’s a good revelation. You love the Lord your God above all else. Now it’s time to love your neighbor. It’s, like, the most important. Jesus even said.
: How do I love my neighbor?
: Do you think it means you should be more social in a traditional sense? Like baking your neighbors cookies and volunteering at soup kitchens? Or might it mean opening up your prophecy to interpret for more than just yourself? You can love your neighbor in many ways. All ways.
Christina, Mother of the Irish gods, well did she feed the gods. Christina, Mother of God: God, who is my god? God, who is my god among all the gods? Benjamin, you believe in religions and all gods, but you cling to Christ. You cling to Christina who manifests both as Christ and Yahweh, and you never forget the feminine and woman of the Godhead. Yahweh He: but beyond male or female. Yahweh He: the continuum between the poles of Absolute Male and Absolute Female. Yahweh the chain collapsing into continual sexuality, and Yahweh sows all sexualities and reaps the redeemed. Yahweh Father and Mother: Mother of even Christina the Mother and Mother of all gods. Mother of all gods, be my God: Father of all religions, adhere to my religion. Do not forsake me, regardless of whether I go.
Midway upon the journey of our life
I found myself within a forest dark
for the straight forward pathway has been lost
I am nearing the same age as when Dante wrote the Comedy: midway through life. I did not think I was far of the straight path but getting closer to the path has made me realize how far into the dark wood I am, and I have a long journey to go. A year’s worth or more journeying this spiritual chasm and transformation.
And he began to teach them, that the Son of man must suffer many things, and be rejected of the elders, and of the chief priests, and scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again. Teach me, Yah: teach me, Christ. Do not tease knowledge but open the full flood waters and sate my fleshly wilderness. Teach time, times, and half a time: teach even through temptation and trials: but teach. Teach Son of Man: my Sophia and Shekinah: my Spirit and Salvation. Grant me to suffer with you: I pick up my Cross and follow you. I pick up my cross and crawl toward crucifixion.
Do not reject me but I plea to be your remnant. Reconcile me to you, my Redeemer. I kill the self that severs me from you. With you, resurrect me.
Excerpt from Untitled Book #15 (I Do Not Know What Is Happening)
Yahweh God, I do not know what is happening to me. I think the Rumble in the Jungle (PKD was injured by God: he saw God fire a pink laser beam into his skull and suddenly he was enlightened, and after that, all he yearned for was God. When I was in college. I went through a very dark time in my life, and I was hospitalized for mental health reasons. God had struck me down and I encountered this book by Philip K. Dick, and I thought to myself, someone who was wounded by God like me! I have been injured and wounded by God, and I continually long for him and her, to be at union with the Godhead. I get distracted a lot, but that’s my ultimate goal. Philip K. Dick thought he was insane and maybe so am I: this stark hypomanic illness for the Godhead.
It is hard to explain. There are some mystics in history who God really wounded like St. Teresa of Avila; she described arrows of love being fired into her and going into ecstasy. My wounding is not so literal, but rather he wounded my mind. In the Book of Job it says ‘God injured and God binds me up’ and God has yet to bind me up. I go through cycles. I don’t always feel an intense yearning for God, but when I do, it is like a lover yearning for their beloved to return to them, like I have been abandoned by God and desire union with God. Cycles of information and stasis, depths and stability.
And Jesus went out, and his disciples, into the towns of Ceasera Philippi: and by the way he asked his disciples, saying unto them, whom do men say that I am? I went out to Woman: I went out to the wilderness of transformation. I fast to my flesh, and I imbibe the water of woman and word. I went with wild and why, the why and where of my transformation, and Jesus the way transforms thoroughly and absolutely. Oat out to my oath and offering, a barley Benjamin John Barleycorn must die, and I die dune death to and by my (and not mine but thine) transformation. Transformation: out and in, the reformation of Flesh. Out, and I become disciple: in, and I become apostle: beyond, and I become a Christ. I prophesy to the cities and towns proclaiming word and Gospel: the Kingdom of God is near: the Kingdom of God is here. Here and near I am: I am near and here, within you and among you. Do not fear: I am.
Do I dare call myself a prophet of God any longer? No, I am merely a slave-servant. My wellbeloved hath planted a vineyard in a very fruitful hill… The vineyard is my soul. God planted the choicest vine in my soul: the true vine which is Jesus Christ. He watered it and looked for choice grapes, but my soul yielded only wild grapes. Thus God will break down my soul, and lead me through the dark night and set in fire everything that is wild, to make room for what is choice and good fruit. My soul leads me into the desert, the desert of my own self… Just as C.G. Jung encountered a desert in his soul, I often encounter both desert and wilderness in my soul: the wilderness that Jesus was driven into by the Spirit for 40 days, and the wilderness occupied by the Israelites for 40 years. My soul too is driven by the spirit into desert and wilderness, into the very ground of myself which is God: God the ground of my being and the ground of my existence. But I have made my existence desolate like a desert. I have not sought out my God and ground: yet God has led me through my desert and manna and water from the rock, and the rock is Christ, the living water.
Birds of prey and poisonous snakes
She-As-Death Mother Birth and Fertility
Moths, butterflies, and bees in regeneration
Frogs, hedgehog, and bull’s head as uterus and fetus.
The image of the Woman wails wild incantations at me and with me. Do not forget the nature of Woman. Do not forget God nature and God Mother / the God who mothers and nurtures me.
And they answered, John the Baptist: but some say Elias, and others, one of the prophets. Do not forget God nature and God Mother: the God who mothers and nurtures me. God baptizes the baptizer with fire and calls me out the voice of one in the wilderness: behold the lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. I must decrease: he must increase.
Maiden Waxing Moon Mother Full Moon Crone Waning Moon
Moon always mothers and Marys: moon always maries Christina Marie, herself Triple Goddess and Trinity. Moon mulls many miracles, Mother miraculous and Mary miraculous, the merging of metals gold and silver, a silver fish girl glinting from the waters, and Christina swims to the sword.
And he saith unto them, But whom say ye I am? And Peter answereth and saith unto him, Thou art the Christ. Benjamin, whom say ye I am? You are I Am, the I Am that I am and the I will Be What I Will Be. You are the Christ and you are Christ: How can I be a Christian otherwise? How could I be a Christian without the incarnation and flesh of Jesus Christ? You are Christ and you are Jesus Christ.
Yahweh is our God, Yahweh alone
Yahweh our God is one Yahweh
Yahweh our God, Yahweh is One
Yahweh is our God, Yahweh is One
One in Christ one in Word One in Spirit
One in Krystal one in Christina one in Taryn
One with Benjamin to Benjamin for Benjamin
My God and Christ is my God, One.
She who had been called by her daughters throughout time, in many places, and by many names. She calls me daughter; I name her multiply and multiples. I name her multiplicity and matriarchs. I name her Mother and Mary and Marie, and the three are Christina and Marie: Christina Marie. She calls me to daughter and a daughter to the desert: desolate and destitute but the desert blooms. My soul sits her sister a desert, and time tempers and tents desert. A desert companion is my sister.
The Moon, the corn, the realm of the dead. Moon mistress: moon major: moon merger: moon mirrors many names and many mothers, and I mate in moon and with moon. I chill child of corn, the grain of God, and the grain garnishes my ground growing God: growing God and Goddess within my ground from generation to generation. I grow to the dead and I orate dead: praise the dead and the realm of the dead, the Hades Christ harrowed.
And he charged them that they should tell no man of him. Christ charges me Christ: Christ charges me Christina. Cool Coltrane changes, and I change and charge the charge to Christ. Christ changes me: Christ charges me through incarnation and identity, and his identity compels me to prophesy secret and secret Son of Man, the maternal Human Being, I prophesy his person: the person and substance of Christ and I am, and I am his Prophet: I am her prophet prophesying PKD’s Sophia, and the Spirit of Elijah rests upon me, charge to Christ: charge to Christina.
Vision and Mysticism 