content warning: suicidal ideation
Chroniclers enter text and trade I trade text scroll to text codex I name codex anew now text overlap text (I name texts made by human hands) I name text made by gods and stones and stones stack and speak text Stones stem text syntax chroniclers text stones I stir stones through text codexes and chroniclers
Texts trade cassette tapes tall loops ice scream scoop (you scream I scream we all scream for morphine) Texts stir and trade cassette stones and rock assemblages buttress the Book I shore Book sea stone and stone shore and I have not left the Book since Book trades texts syntax cassette loops / I loop Book shore syntax stone Stones tape text immediate inert immerse Immediate I wound Book desert insects increase Immerse or immense I wound immediate Book desert Immediate I immerse Book desert grass guillotine (guillotine drops shore thumb piano tines trim train trouble)
Texts time tobacco tetragrammaton and texts tease names texas chain saw massacre Texts tether tin time tint ship taryn tinder / Taryn timed shipwrecks body steam wreckage Texts detach ship tender to Taryn lunar surfaces and her mast martian chaos terrain I detach text from text and I immerse languages in Taryn text text onto abyss Taryn tinkers trickster tempo lovely rita meter maid Taryn traps unseated rita gila monster hydra
I have been thinking of taking my own life, I say. Do you hate my guts? Don’t do it, says Taryn, and no, I don’t. Why not do it? Because you have purpose in life. What’s my purpose? A healer for those in need of you care, a storyteller, you make people laugh and add enjoyment and friendship into other people’s lives. Do I add purpose to your life? Yes. What purpose do I add? Laughter, being silly, enjoyment, great advice, a true best friend, says Taryn.
Taryn throws tincture tropics and topics tropics ten tin sin throw Taryn Taryn throws hydra hint text hydra and she opens the question of the Book She opens question oarsmen oarsmen where have you been I’ve been to the leafy I’ve dismembered the Queen
Texts tempt and texts trick Texts tempt and I do write place opposites meet and commingle I write places spaces oppositions meet oppositions Contradictions collect contradictions (crosses stations of the cross crossed) I write spaces places enspaced between social cosmos and other world / chaos chains chaos the Book prima materia Book clashes nad overlaps disparate realities / marginal mercury marginal ben body machine
I machine between oars and I mix several textbooks on geology and biology Oars overlap oars ship texts text Taryn syntax tyrant (Oarsmen oarsmen where did you there I hid in a cleft I braided the air) Air scares more mop nightmare Air spins sly stone there’s a riot going on Texts mix hex chroniclers enter texts and trade Texts mix taryn with hex her heat human meat / she’s got a ticket to ride and she don’t care
Taryn texts attacks language no really perfect optimum mix anyway among some thousands
Text tumbleweed turn turn Taryn surreal (PLEASE DON’T EAT MY MOTHER The hilarious tale of a strange houseplant whose appetite grew from the neighbor pets to more succulent dishes… and loved every piece! A laugh with every burp)
Text tumbleweed tur text turn Taryn horror surreal (A satirical horror comedy of a beautiful woman with bizarre tastes. An adult vampire film THE VAMPIRE HAPPENING)
I take texts taste don’t torture a duckling I take texts taste Taryn sprawl doll tarantula I take texts my horrific body bodies surreal earth I attach myself to texts and texts seduce me: languages Taryn Ash passion tempt me earth erotic
I was thinking about my advice on poetry, says Asia, and I watched a TikTok that was relevant, and I want to apologize because I didn’t mean to suggest there is one way to write a poem and that there is a formula to it. I know and love many poems that don’t end with summary lines. I just hoping to help bring things back to a center. I don’t think your writing has to be instagram worthy or anything. I don’t think I explained this well, but I hope you get the idea, says Asia. Yeah, I get what you’re saying, I say. I value your opinions and ideas on writing, and I think you’ve made my writing better. I love your criticism and critique but you’ve told me before you read it differently because of that. I want you to engage with it on a more joyous, pure reader level and it wasn’t a condemnation of your critique. I love you participating in the Book, I say. I’m glad you trust and appreciate my critiques, says Asia. What are your current thoughts on my writing? I say. Do you like it? I’ve liked what I read, she says. I’m glad. Do you think it has substance? Do you think it has poetic depth? What do you mean by substance and poetic depth? asks Asia. You can revisit it and discover new things in it. It doesn't exhaust itself in one reading. I think what makes the bible or gnostic scriptures powerful is that they are inexhaustible, I say. Then I would say yes, says Asia.
Texts mix hex language made material / I babel with word brick and mortar Texts mix hex Taryn with material (things, words) more and more dense around you Texts with materials mode Taryn material mean wide word wake Material Taryn trade dense sense nonsense / I knot strange sense nonsense gnosis
Text trades text taste texts Text trades text new physical space Taryn Taryn tongue text new physical space space physics Text Taryn space physical flat flesh khora (space inserts as an essential aspect of musical composition)
Text trades text Taryn new space space begins in space and as space / ben bodies at the vertical line, a subtle combination of the two instruments begin
I tour text and text appears as physical Book and material Book I task text to text Book textures and the book appears and disappears Christina simultaneous
Month: August 2024
Strange Texts, The Tempestuous Space Of My Suicides
content warning: suicide and suicidal ideation
Crawl in and see if it’s hot enough to put bread in I crawl sprawl hermetic sound I crawl scrawl sprawl sail: slate sail slough cave mouth crawl I crawl in language and belly, skate cave language and oven language (oven ouroboros I am the bread of life) I crawl heat human meat
Crawl in and see if it’s hot enough to put bread in I crawled back in, I am hungry I made sure my traps are set in space Crawl scrawl hermetic sound / crawl scrawls hermetic sound (Crawl experiment escape noun verb noun Nirvana chorus verse chorus) Crawl scrawl scrawls and crawl scrawls scrawl multidirectional Crawl spill spills and crawl spills spill both directions at once
Crawl in, said the witch, and I witch the crawl of oven language and bread language I crawl scrawl not text at a distance but text experienced different experiments Crawl experiments experiment text differences between differences Crawl difference draw experiment imaginary immanence
I crawl immanent experiment and immediate text: text crawl scrawl hermetic sound Text experiment a stark quake a numb calm play calm palm in gilead A stark quake crawl quick queer quake Christianity Queer quake Christianities no queue but I’ve been to Leafy I’ve dismembered the Queen I dismember the queen din I dismember god I dismember gods gonk ben bodies body tumble tumble boil broil brick bubonic plague A stark quake anarchic language: to let the language sing self-similar sawed-off shotgun fractals flesh fractals pig destroyer destroyer desert flesh flowers Flesh fresh flower fires fractals
I love language and I love experiments: I love the play and surprise of avant-garde and experiment and I too try to experiment I feel a strangled and antagonistic relationship with my experiments, and I simultaneously feel I don’t make my writing accessible enough and I don’t push the experiment enough I love language and dream the Book as son of man machine fractals fractal language open overlap text ouroboros I attempt a text difference between difference and rhizomic not-repetition repetition
I love crawl language and cave language and I spy language between I spy text difference between difference witch experiment Language explores and tricks ten cassette tape contrapasto Trickster crawl scrawl language and thrives in the vision of in-between where ambiguity, paradox, and confusion are all customary categories Trickster tinkers language trailing point tetragrammaton Trickster language traffic tiles god tensions and gut tensions I trim armature erector traffic trickster tideways or upside down traffic cones conic sections Trickster language textures odd text difference strange transit Language trickster textures tugboat pseudepigrapha epistles to Timothy (I dream myself Timothy and I have a little wine for my stomach) Language Taryn Trickster light textile terrain: terrain turmoil chaos terrain Trickster language tightens tinfoil through my throat
I crawl not text and it tricks difference undifferentiated desert between I beam between slow body of the book and book immediate immanence (the immanence of the Book repeats the immanence of god the violence of the Book repeats the violence of god) (A gory tale of terror! Death his religion – blood his lust! GURU THE MAD MONK)
(Note to self: might be useful to chop up newspapers and headlines Steal from John Dos Passos snapshot experiments)
I crawl in witch language and between language and sometimes the language of suicides (as Anne Sexton writes in the poem Wanting To Die: but suicides have a special language. Like carpenters they want to know which tools. They never ask why build) I crawl not text suicide languages (I hope this doesn't come across as blunt, says Asia, but at this point, you wanting to kill yourself feels like a constant. Like an ebbing tide. I sent you the cicada article because I thought you would like it. I did like the article, I say. Just because I’m in pain that doesn’t make it OK. I don't think it’s OK that it’s constant, I say. Just because it’s a constant doesn’t mean I won’t try to help alleviate the pain, says Asia, but I don't know what else to say. Have you not been suicidal off and on for the last few months? I don’t meant to say that it’s a drag or anything – I just mean to say that it becomes normal. Like if it’s been raining for a week and you look at the weather and it’s raining again, you might be like “oh ok, that makes sense”, she says. I have been. In the context of our conversation, you made it sound like it’s not worth addressing, that’s what I find hurtful. I’m sorry it came across that way, says Asia. That's not what I meant. I just thought cicadas would be a welcome distraction. They are a welcome distraction, I say. I don’t think you ever try to intentionally hurt me. I share with you as a sign of trust and I share with you because I know you care, I say.)
I crawl in witch language and between language and sometimes the language of suicides Suicides have a special language and the language laps trick star trade I survive suicides but I live in languages without escape: not escape but endless experiments and explorations in different repetitions Not text at a distance but texts experiments differences between and around suicide circumcisions
I crawl in language and I belly skate cave language and oven language I crawl stark language a vampire stake quake I crawl stark language stake quake or quadrant I crawl queer quake Christianities sheets of sound I crawl scrawl queer hermetic sound and I smear suicide hermetica and alchemical desert death I repeat my death survive revival / I repeat chamber symphony tent revival I repeat tent revival and camp meeting figure with meat I crawl heat human meat soviet montage shadow figures
I keep sabbath queer quake Christianities no queue but I’ve been to Leafy I’ve dismembered the Queen I dismember the queen din drop dismember gods I dismember gods gloss moss figure with meat gutter bodies: body tumble throttle boil broil brick babel body without organs I play plague language sail slate slough cave mouth crawl
I dismember language look a stark quake anarchic language: lake language and lamp language slices serial self-similar sheer shear fractal Fractal concerts flesh mesh pig destroyer destroyer desert text differences flesh fractures flower text fires fractals
Chroniclers enter text and trade I trade machine make: names of things made by human hands I hand text trickster travelers I hand human trickster travels travelers traffic tonight tragedy strikes (typical trickster traffic typical tricster beef tartare) (If star terror were ecstasy… living here would be sheer bliss! MADHOUSE)
Language tricksters travel Tricksters travel tsunami thread and throat gnosis Text tear in-between Book: in-between benjamin son of man and benjamin adam kadmon Trickster thrives in-between Book book body ben between Book Trickster thrives triple tongue timbre and timber dark desert leaves Book Cedars of Lebanon witch dark desert leaves Book and between Book leaves Body between Book leaves of grass gods
I do not leave the Book but I live the Book open I live the Book ambiguous and contradictory (He left our frustrated shores and embarked on your Book You have not left the Book since You could not have But sometimes the space between the lines is so large that you seem to tread on new ground The margins are so wide The Book chain us together) I leave the frustrated shores of the Book for the frustrated shores of the Book I live the shore and sources sources cedars of lebanon and song of songs I live the short serpent source Book of Sand and I witness Book Beach endless I prophesy Book Beach endless body
I live the frustrated shores of the Book into and onto the frustrated shores of the Book body without organs I share shore feathers and feathers frustrate leaves of grass Grass does last not transform feather lingers Text trickster lingers light light lampoons my pease porridge hot body (what a lance who obeys the figure of the pregnant dance) Figures dance feathers delicious desert dialectic
Strange texts, the tempestuous space of my suicides I chronicle their chrome tanned leather in the crawl stone of the Book of Sand Sand stokes bay insects and gnat gnosis and I collect my wood strings and suicides like Asia collects beetle and spider black-figure pottery
So I’ve decided to start a bug collection again, says Asia. Step one, bug cup. This is the official way of doing it. If you don’t have a solo cup full of dead bugs that you scooped out of someone’s pool, then you aren’t a real scientist, she says. You officially have a collection then. What's step 2? Obtain a shadow box and stainless steel pins. Some people do kill bugs for their collections; I plan on only using already dead bugs. I tried killing one when I collected them as a kid and it still haunts me. Basically you create a gas chamber in a jar using gasoline, lighter fluid, or finger nail polish remover and suffocate them slowly, says Asia.
Chroniclers enter text and trade Names of things made by human hands Texts trade cassette tapes tall loops ice scream scoop (you scream I scream we all scream for morphine) Texts tin tail texas chain saw massacre Texts tin tint ship tender tinder tier tear Taryn swarm surface / martian chaos terrain Ten tin sin ton tempo Taryn / Taryn tinkers trickster lovely rita meter maid Unseated rita gila monster hydra
I ark extensive, armed, and organized mass stretching across the entire desert: I act jackal an intense pack forever launching into the desert deterritorialized
I ark text extensions intensions excess and I jab jackal text and trade
I embrace on the Book ark and jackal I embrace text to text ark anatomy agon jackals I leave shore to shore Book of Sand
I Crawl In Cicada Vision
Content Warning: discussion of suicide and suicidal ideation
Clutching my crumble jumble among the tombs and in caves, I clasp crevasse gospel
I groan gospels jack ice calve cave Gospel groans jack icepick cave prayer and I pray desolate places and dark places I pray gospel glut gulch clutch gut and I groan gallery gospel blood
Gospel gossips crumble jumble gem genesis: gospel gambles gem glean bright green guts genesis Gospel gifts desperation and desolation, holy ghost driver wilderness
I groan glossolalia creation myth and I narrate nothing abomination and none desolation I grip genesis great big gobs of greasy grimey gopher guts I glam grizzly bear genesis adam bare buttocks
I jump genuine gospel glean grains crumble jumble genesis I jump when in the beginning Elohim or when in the beginning with and without Elohim: when in the beginning written created Elohim (you are the one who writes and the one who is written)
I clutch claw cain Christianities Clutch hut hatch cain catch Christianity Christianities Clutch Christianity catfish clips clay milk caution body jargon My body jargon guts glacier gospel and glacier genesis and in the beginning, ben hinnom body jargon Body jargon polygons glass gasp genesis Jargon jags mason jar jason voorhees and I gloat crystal lake light glossolalia I clasp or grasp my own body jargon body horror (Friday the 13th Part II the body count continues…)
I groan genesis, and I put my words in my mouth when I turned on the tape recorder to sing I put my words in my mouth and I move cave mouth body jargon I move cave paste carton cartoon body jargon genuine disjunct / finger joint mason jar I move cave mouth moon mason jar rejoinder (she’s a jar with a heavy lip my pop quiz kid
Jawbone genesis bend blues bone bone bone Jawbone genesis bend ben hinnom hone bone cave shone finger joint
I join strange genesis not text at a distance but text experienced difference I join weird genesis not text at varying distances but text experienced differences between differences Genesis defers difference essence imaginary landscape
I join genesis with the Gospel of Thomas and I speak the difference word mouth cave mouth machines
Jesus said: Show me the stone that the builders rejected. It is the cornerstone.
I show ser slow slalom sure slot I snow show ser slow roll palindromes roll machine shot slot I share show shimmer body the bitch is burning I sure share sideshow body circus and I circulate grotesque palindrome roll slot gargoyles I show stone snow slot lot da’at drill with desert (desert palindrome drift palindrome desert) I surrender to stone slow slot sting and my grotesque body burns bitches brew roux I rest witch stone sting rest I rest render witch burn fat stone rhizome I show rest molt sabbath stone metamorphosis
I join genesis with the gospel of thomas, and with beginning ben hinnom varying distances the text differences
Do you think I can survive without Christina? I ask Asia. Yes, I think you can survive. May I ask what makes you feel I can survive without Christina? Because you will find beauty and reasons to create. Our friendship is a reason to create, I say. Yeah, that’s a good enough reason, says Asia. Why not include some of your other friendships too? I do as much as I can, I say, but it’s been difficult to try to talk to Krystal and Taryn very much but I would like to. The reason you’re included in the Book so much is because I talk to you the most, I say.
Crawl in, said the witch, and see it’s hot enough to put bread in (I crawled back in, I am hungry I made sure my traps are set in space)
Crawl in immense and intense crawl Christianities Crawl clutch crumblejack Christianities speak tape spell and spell scroll body jargon necronomicon
I span the spell of spitting Apep I sprawl the spell of tramping Apep with the left foot I spin the spell of taking a spear to smite Apep I sprout the spell of setting fire to Apep
With the left foot body jargon joins jargon body with the left foot With the left foot spells serpent side body jargon side polygon serpent spell body
With the left foot with beginning body jargon jump death / I secretly jump to my death I often try to understand A Thousand Plateaus by Gilles Deleuze and Felix Guattari and I think about the jump (jump body jargon jagged jab concretes) I don’t know how to jump but I contemplate a jump and Gilles Deleuze jumped (Overwhelmed by his respiratory problems, he died by suicide on 4 November 1995, throwing himself from the window of his apartment)
Not text as a distance but text experienced difference I experience text death dome text death inverted: my body inverts body jargon My body invents body jargon the repeated jump I jump jag jab repetition I repeat the text dead and death gospel I repeat death lanterns of the dead Lanterns of the dead repeats pierced with small openings at the top: a light exhibited at night indicates the position of a cemetery, hospital, or leper colony
My left foot body jargon tramples lantern of the dead and dead crumblejack crucified Christianities
Spalding Gray sought treatment from his neurologist Oliver Sacks, who began treating him in August 2003 and continued to do so until Gray died. Sacks later said Gray perceived the taking of his own life as part of what he had to say, with the Monologist having “talked about what he called ‘a creative suicide’. One one occasion when he was being interviewed, he thought that the interview might be culminated with ’a dramatic and creative suicide.’ I was at pains to say that he would be more creative alive than dead”.
I feel sympathetic to the idea of a dramatic and creative suicide I have often written of my own bouts with intense depression and suicidal ideation, and I too feel an appropriate ending for the book would be my own dramatic and creative suicide Book ends with me and I end with the Book
He left our frustrated shores and embarked on your Book You have not left the Book since You could not have But sometimes the space between the lines is so large that you seem to tread in new ground The margins are so wide The Book chains us together
I leave the frustrated shores of the Book for the frustrated shores of the Book I live the frustrate s shores of my spinal catastrophe body jargon
I leave shore lighthouse leviathan serpent fragment of my flesh
Leave shore liminal lighthouse haunted leaves of grass
Frustrated, I leave my body jargon fragments / machine filaments without lights Ben body frustrates as fragments leave I find fragments found out about you (whispers at the busstop well I’ve heard about nights out in the schoolyard I found out about you)
With beginning, Book at last bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh
Flesh of flesh finds bone fragments the frustrated shore of the Book
I leave the frustrated shores of the Book for the frustrated shores of the Book I live the frustrated shores of the book into and onto the lived frustrated shores of the Book
Grass does not last but transform feather lingers I linger lighthouse fragments and machine shores I linger do you still jump out of windows in expensive clothes
I leave and want grease moths to consume my body I want cicadas to scream my secret name spiked into my spinal column
Do you have cicadas where you are? I say. Yeah, says Asia. There are no cicadas here so I do not get to experience the DOUBLE BROOD, I say. Are you excited for it? I don’t get the double brood, she says. Just the regular joes that come out every year. I’m sure they will be happy to see you though, I say. Maybe the regular joes will remember you. Just found out there are a bunch of cicadas native here, says Asia. Two things, I say. I didn’t realize that there were cicadas that came out every year. Second, why the heck do these guys have such cool names? Southern Swamp Cicada, Dark Lyric Cicada, Hieroglyphic Cicada… Yeah, cicadas are an every year thing, says Asia. It wouldn’t be summertime without the constant screaming. I would like to hear what cicadas sound like where you are, I say. [Asia sends me a video]. Dang it sounds like a noise machine outside. I personally love cicada sounds, says Asia. That doesn't surprise me! What do you like about it? It’s nostalgic, she says. It’s comforting. It’s like a weighted blanket made out of sound, says Asia.
Crawl in, said the witch, as see if it’s hot enough to put bread in I crawl in cicada vision and I see millions of swarm stations of the cross Double brood shades eclipse body of Christ crucified / darkness midday desert intense with multidirectional insects
I crawl not text at a distance but cicada corpses I crawl in text experienced difference ben body text brood body without organs (I experience my body difference double brood body horror)
I photograph Book fragments and shore fragments I photograph my body fragmented and nude cicadas of the cross (Photograph taken in 1916 by an unknown photographer in Zurich, Switzerland for a published postcard to promote the 1916 programme of the Cabaret Voltaire in Zurich)
I live the shore Book fragments and figures of the dead I live shore lanterns of the dead and liminal lanterns pierced with small openings at the top Lights pierce small openings in my book body exoskeleton and my body molts and leaves behind old growth forest Ben body bleeds light at night to indicate the position of a cemetery, a hospital, or a leper colony (These lanterns were originally constructed to warn passerbys of the danger of infection as well as illuminate the cemeteries where it was feared that repenting souls, ghosts, and criminals could hide… Later, they were also erected at the intersections of important routes and roads)
I lamp the Book liminal and its frustrated shores snare torch fragments and tent fragments I lamp Book lowlands lurk mothlight I lamp sermons to the dead and intensities of the dead Dead mind mead red not texts at a distance but texts experiment difference I crawl in difference cicada cemetery and leper colony
I clutch gospel of thomas crumblejumble among talkbox tombs Cave mouths makes insect gospel and I collect the cicadas double transmigration of human souls
Nevertheless, John Berryman continued to abuse alcohol and struggle with depression, as he had through much of his life, and on the morning of January 7, 1972, he killed himself by jumping from the Washington Avenue Bridge in Minneapolis onto the west bank of the Mississippi River
I jump long cave mouth gospel I jump cave mouth crucified gospel of thomas I jump large stone not text at a distance but undifferentiated insect desert I simmer summer my suicides I jumble gospel glutch southern grass cicada and I walk open ocean drowning olympic scrub cicada (insects intensify my suicidal ideation)
Jesus said: Show me the stone that the builders rejected. It is the cornerstone.
I show ser sur suicides and I read Big Sur by Jack Kerouac where he slowly drank himself to death I show sharp ser my slow suicide and I write and rewrite the imaginary jump I show gospel jump where my body falls on stone Judas Iscariot I show show ser slow roll suicide palindromes suicide roll machine shot slot
I Oar Other Rampant Death
I oar split ear split ocean I oar split argentium orange and I alloy waters wedge waters I oar eye split the spell of spitting Apep
I oar spell serpent rain chemical ouroboros I oar rain rope spell bone sport Oar repeats bone sport and bone sponge and rope vert ramp coping copulates Christina as the Cross
I oar onto ours, an only concert language and language figured bass Oar an ox eye onto and eye into over I oar once oval an ox then outset and my language detours death I oar toward desert death desert and death doubles I oar death desert doppelganger and my body duplicates rampant rhizome
I oar other rampant death and death detailed additional death I oar other death obvious eclipse (Suicide during eclipse. When the eclipse reached its darkest at this place today S.M. Crosby, a prominent druggist here, committed suicide by shooting himself in the head) I oar other obvious death and I feel earth immense eclipse immediate I oar immediate crucifixions
I oar immediate crucifixions and I oar oak omen rain room I immerse rain room map mer rhizome Asia among rivers rip rock aleatoric rhizome Rhizome ripens random rain and rain forest flesh: I fish towards rapid rain and rapid death
Rain room rigid bodies flexible bodies Rain ripen room fix bodies flexible I film my body boils big death and death building body skyscraper Beam bodies suspend tensions (if you plan on doing suspensions in the future, remember the rope I live rope ripieno and riptide rhizome I suspend from long holy spirit strands)
Rain reveals room quiet: I keep watch in room I keep rain watch in room and room remains rain I remain rain run rain rhizome / ruby bodies Rain room ruby rain flexible body burn and I burn in desert Beam bodies suspend tensions, the tailing tabetha of blue death Beam bodies sunbream sunbeam broad braid bodies I braid body distant desert disintegrated distance sanded hanging I braid broad desert body death and bodies rhizome room rain Bodies braid broad rhizome room rain runoff jane doe (Lost in you like saturday night searching the streets with bedroom eyes just dying to be saved) (I feel you’ve also reached a place where you feel good about my writing, I say to Asia. Not to the extent as Christina, but there’s not too much additional criticisms you can provide at this point. I can ask you about specific ideas or techniques but it seems to me you’ve been generally happy with my writing and what it does as a whole, I say. Maybe it would be helpful if I knew what you wanted me to look for, says Asia. I admit, I do generally like your writing but I’m also looking for something good to say. But I also don’t know how to help because I don’t really know what direction you’re trying to go, says Asia)
I Oar Ouroboros And I Row Rope Rhizome
content warning: suicide and suicidal ideation; pornographic language
I oar ouroboros I oar over ouroboros bat body I oar body black canvas and ouroboros bore splash spirals I oar my body repugnant I oar armpit ouroboros queer body electric cocks (electric cocks cluster repugnant body electric cocks / cosmic roosters)
I oar ouroboros and I row rope rhizome I oar rock and stone rope electricity: electric rabbit punches hands behind the back tie sitting cross-legged tie
I write the oar Book and the carnivorous Book I write the book ouroboros cannibal and grotesque body boils (you will follow the Book, whose every page reveals abyss where the wing shines with the name)
I oar river name and raven name Name rollers rope red rivers and I remember the name of her gods grass glass Christina
I oar river fragments and book fragments, spare sentences inscribing my body absolute mourning Mourning never resembles a total but further partitions drawn dust (Christina among Cantor dust diverges desert tower hourglass)
I oar river lion’s roar and her rope runs ring rubber / red balloon bondage Only oars ooze ouroboros and the Book burr bat body repugnant rhizome (I follow the Book, whose every age reveals an abyss where the wing shines with the name / the explicit name sown in forty-two letter in the act of creation)
I oar ouroboros queer body and my body utter alien underneath I hinge hands underneath behind the back tit sitting cross-legged tie I row rhizome raccoon tit tylenol theater
Writing remembers the dead seven sermons to the dead Writing remembers my dead many clipper ships abandon open ocean or acid arctic ice I run the writing icy rope and rope rocky glacier Writing renews the dead an illustrated lesson in tying I tie the writing tail to nail taylor series theater taryn
I host hands behind the back tit I sum sitting cross-legged tie I call river raccoon tie I bird Book breast tie developed by hunters carrying their prey (if you plan on doing suspensions in the future, I recommend getting a rope with a diameter of 9 mm and with a reinforced core)
I oar can kin kiss canticle I oar an sam core canaanite: electric chair convertible desert
I oar electric chair could cavern caress circulation: circulate row over carcass train feathers I plot feathers flother her textures: her textures ter theater thalassophobia I oar textures and particular feathers I plot through trace taste train feathers / feathered rowboats and clipper ships
I oar ouroboros delicious desert dialectics I oar ouroboros open delicious desert destination out I oar destination out desert various feathered dinosaurs
I oar can kin keep kiss candlewax crumbs I keep candlewax clockwork I carry you around in the background I carry you around in the background haunted house of wax clockwork I wheel candlewax vaultwork stained glass window I wheel window whale bone corset coset coupled rope
Eclectic cocks electric cocks / cosmic roosters. Band names? says Christina. No, prophetic utterances. Ah, all the roosters I’ve known have been very sweet, she says. Do you know what it means? I say. No. It means Christina sucks cocks of criminals on the cross: cocksucker golgotha. Last rites? says Christina. Sin eater, I say. Christina makes atonement through swallowing their copulation.
This conversation with Christina happened before her absence; perhaps I should catalog and reflect upon the archive of our conversations. They are worth writing and rewriting. I appreciate that I had no boundaries with her and rarely a filter; it took a long time to develop beyond our toxicity and mutual abuse so I wouldn’t recommend it, but the end result was a kind of radical and absurd conversational freedom without fear of judgment. I miss her and I cannot explain how much in written or spoken language.
Oarsmen, oarsmen where have you been? I’ve been to the Leafy; I’ve dismembered the Queen
I oar other obvious eclipse I oar omen rain room
I oar onto opal or onyx I oar onto open ouroboros / body spirals or book spells I spell Book speed and I follow the Book, whose every page reveals abyss I follow the Book, which the wing shines with the name The Book opens where the wing shines with her name: Christina Christina always Christina and she oars with dead and by dead (Christina accompanies as a psychopomp)
(He left frustrated shores and embarked on your book You have not left the book since You could not have But sometimes the space between the lines is so large that you seem to tread on new ground The margins are so wide The book chains us together)
I leave the frustrated shores of the Book for the frustrated shores of the Book I live the frustrated shores of the Book into and onto the frustrated shores of the Book I share the shore with feathers and feathers frustrate leaves of grass Grass does not last but transforms feathers linger
I oar Book body without organs ouroboros I oar oak row spiral spill letters / I oar other obvious eclipse…
I have difficulty writing because I grieve Christina and I experience a sort of dagger depression (Desert drive depression abomination of desolation and decapitation after crucifixion) Depression crucifies complete incomplete golgotha compartment syndrome (You see seem down a lot though, says Asia. Like you have manic episodes but that doesn't mean always happy. You feel I have manic episodes? Yeah. I’m surprised because I don’t recall them – could you tell me what I’m like during one? It’s usually along the lines of “I am the best writer who ever lived!” “I am a genius!” kind of deal. I’m overexaggerating a bit but you get the idea, says Asia)
I study suicides and I think suicide I promised Asia I would tell her if my suicide was imminent and I plan to keep that promise: that event will occur still sometime further in the future, but still I study suicides I study suicides because through reading their narrative, I try to understand my own thoughts which baffle and bewilder and overwhelm me – better and more completely I study suicides like I study Jewish mysticism or mathematics (On February 25, 1970, Oliver Steindecker, Rothko’s assistant, found the artist lying dead on the kitchen floor in front of the sink, covered in blood. He had overdosed on barbiturates and cut an artery in his right arm with a razor blade. There was no suicide note)
I study suicides and although I’ve never listened to The Plasmatics, the suicide of Wendy O. Williams catches my attention (Williams first attempted suicide in 1993 by hammer a knife in her chest where it lodged in her sternum…) (Her suicide note reads: I don’t believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time. I do believe strongly, however, that the right to do so is one of the most fundamental rights that anyone in a free society should have. For me, much the world makes no sense, but my feelings about what I am doing ring loud and clear to an inner ear and a place where there is no self, only calm) I contemplate writing a suicide note but the Book itself explains much more than I could ever hope to compress in a few sentences
I oar other obvious eclipse I oar omen rain room Rain room mer rhizome Asia rain aleatoric rhizome random rain / rain forest flesh (Have you read Toni Morrison? I ask Christina. I have. She’s cool. Which books? Popular ones. And poems. Lot of poems. Asia was reading Jazz awhile ago and some of her writing reminded Asia of my writing. Yeah, says C. Direct but imaginative (like imaginary-wise). Asia likes Toni Morrison better than me though. She’s OK, says C. I don’t think I’d like to rank you together. Toni Morrison should have written about you so you’d rank her high, I say. Yep! I think she had more pressing things in mind though. Shallow reason not to rank us together. Yeah! I never said I wasn't shallow. I’m vain AF. Who would you rank me with? No one published. I think that changes things significantly. How does publishing change it? I don’t think Toni Morrison’s real shit was what we see. She had an editor who had to make it palatable to white people. I’m thinking Chuck Tingle ranks with me, I say.
I study suicides (On the evening of November 5, Albert [Ayler] again told Mary, “My blood has got to bed shed to save my mother and my brother.” After an argument, he smashed one of his saxophones over their television and stormed out of the house. Mary called the police to report Albert missing. Albert took the ferry to the Status of Liberty and jumped off as the boat neared Liberty Island.)
I jump I jump word waters woman / rope rhizome red balloon bondage I jump waters witch warp woman / rope vert ramp coping copulates bonefire and Christina cosmic cocksucker swallows semen crucifixion and guts golgotha I jump oar other body without organs my torso spills over a theatrical suicide (On January 19, 1982, Woodman died by suicide at age 22 by jumping out of a loft window of a building on the East side of New York city. An acquaintance wrote: “Things had been bad, there had been therapy, things have gotten better, guard had been let down…”
I jump sound suicide death space I jump blues blue bathers and I bathe the spell of spitting Apep I skip skull the spell trampling on Apep with the left foot I scribe suicide scripture the spell of taking a spear to smite Apep I stretch music holy spirit the spell of binding Apep I stake spongey bone blue Christina bonefire
I Bricoleur Book From Sound-Myth And Machine-Sound
I infer the boundaries of the Book through relentless repetition The Book defers in the beginning of the world and word and Book repeats word wide random walk awake I infer the Book redwood bark rhizome and I repeat fever alphabet body deconstruction I infer the Book incinerations sister insidious cone cinders Book splits cone crypt coccyx repeated segments / insect segments cup human skulls repeated I repeat the Book and I repeat the Body abundant son of man / skull magma
I infer the boundaries of the Book by repeated bone alphabet and I throw bereshit oracles only blossoms Book blades blossoms and the blossoms have appeared on earth The blossoms have appeared on earth, the time of pruning has arrived; the voice of the turtledove heard the land Book blossoms inferno and I begin the Book repeated fires and repeated sunflowers (to remember Christina to recall Christina incompletely / complex in a convex mirror)
I infer the boundaries of the Book through repeated fever alphabets and ball-and-socket barracuda body without organs Ben body binds with Book word smoke: Ben body birds blossoms Book organs organum
I infer defer fever alphabet / ball-and-socket barracuda ben hinnom Ball Book infer gall small inset secret increase interference Interference infer solar anus slag land lag loom lagoon Infer interference phantom furniture flood conflagration fingers conflagration fingerling potatoes partial potash pluma potassium
It begins with orientation and I infer the rose compass from the schemata of the human body I superimpose human body bell on bell and bodies ship slip conflagration
I begin with orientation and the body of the Book blurs flat fire smooth muscle / machine tonality I begin bricolage oriented body sagittal plane and I plan a tonal sea I plane sea of tonality tonic fever alphabet Fever alphabet bit bone black water mixed with white fire: the firewater passes through various metamorphoses culminating in the sea of tonality
I infer beginning from beginning but the Book bites bitter no end gall small insects (I am gall, I am heartburn God’s most deep decree bitter would have me taste my taste was me)
I infer a beginning body beginning between books and black fires, and my skull cooks lagoon conflagration Look lagoon disorient body ball-and-socket rose compass and I salt lagoon several human limbs
Book with beginning beguiles algorithmic generation of backgrounds and enemy dispatches Book by beginning bitter between random even television salt / salt cubist stations of the cross
I infer book fire those of which fan foreign origin / I infer Book fire those of which fan forgotten sounds Ben body sorts sources source body book and fire
Book contaminates sources mixed water and fire / black water and white fire contaminates Book spine serpent coach catastrophe
I bricoleur those which forest foreign origin and those which fragment forgotten sources The old and new exist within me with equal waters
I bricoleur myth from forgotten sound sources I bricoleur sound myth machine serpent / source origin uneven involuntary reflexes Source south origin uneven rhizomes / acid reflux acid jazz AFX fuck
I bricoleur sound myth and I warp old midtempo beats and breaks into frenzies experiment potpourri I warp word cut across language god lights god lights warp god lights river language: Asia Among Rivers language north of the future
I batch myth sound babel: fucked-up break beats mutant bass sampledelic collage Word warp collage garage small grass ash funk: word dirk solar anus desert funnel I desert ash abomination of desolation and when in the air-conditioned supermarket I realize I had been avoiding the beach
Sound beach myth ringworm ring modulator high-pass filter Beach bore sound mantra and myth mantra hydra Myth funk fuck city pop punk liminal tricksters Myth trick body liminal lime skin lemon fanfiction Liminal myth thrash lemon body of the threshold and boundary (Her myth plays possum aporias)
Body sound bricoleur boundary line and region Body sound raw region rough intersection and separation Body talk taryn threshold floor far bunker holdout (I bricoleur bunker dazzle camouflage howl blueviolet)
I bricoleur funk sampledelia / sugar sunflower highlights scratch laugh Body scratch laugh trickster turntablism (a red balloon and a redwinged bird) Bricoleur birds band red balloon balrog: balrog body body m. bison psychocrusher Red balloon beep beach murder ballads / billboard blackbirds plucky my body clean rain
I learn a rain language and rain improvisation I learn light rain balloon cleaning and words circulate Asia Aleph Alphabet (I have sometimes felt embarrassed or frustrated by the way I write my conversations with others, especially Asia, but I have grown to appreciate the discontinuity which delivers the discourse of the desert The discontinuous conversations made words whirlpool islands and I have learned to love their respite even as they contaminate and clip into other sections of the Book – but it’s all one Book and one continuum)
Want me to share something from today that I thought was beautiful? says Asia. Yes, please. So we have this student who is very reserved and quiet and wears goth band t-shirts and covers her face with her hair. We took the kids outside today and I was looking at the trees and such for bugs. She came up to me and asked what I was doing. I told her I found a spider and her face lit up. Then she was excitingly looking for the spider and telling me about her pet tarantulas. Then we found aphids and ladybugs. She was so excited. I’ll never forget the look of joy and curiosity on her face, so pure and wholesome, says Asia. I really like that story and I agree it is very beautiful, I say. I think you have a way with connecting to people. She was also on the wrestling team and got into a fist fight in science class over a frog, says Asia. She told me how she used to chase boys on the playground with crickets, and I told her I did the same thing. I think she’s my hero, says Asia. You’re my hero, I say.
Asia teaches me light language her secret tag tetragrammaton toolbox Toolbox barrage warps breakbeat and infers insect language fever alphabet
Asia Among Rivers teaches forgotten sound and I synchronize and unsynchronize sound-myth and sound-language radical aleatoric
I look light language holy spirit spiderwebs I look ladybug language ben hinnom fiery beetles
Aphid fever alphabet collage garage frenzy flesh and flesh funk city pop organ pulse Pulse body without organs the soft serve swarm of insects (I find a totally unique hat that fits only a single head – my own)
Spiders spindle languages syntax sick and I infer a fever alphabet defer desert I dream rhizome stream delicious desert dialectics Delicious divine invasion volleys insects intensities insects / delicious desert model holly again halo
I view or realize Asia as one of my heroes and I have a vision of Asia with a cruciform halo Halo crucifies halo hunched onto over over or halo Halo hovers halo corpus hypercubus onto over long song circles I circle the swimming pool spiders: I circle crane cain cantos I circle brain ladybug brane second superstring revolution I revolve red aphid rounds tomorrow never knows nail salon
I view her word warped when mirrors I manipulate mirrors mirror manipulation asymmetrical I manipulate mirrors ladybug bodies buttress cruciform halos / circle circle asymmetry
I write asymmetry and I witness asymmetry Writing ruptures last supper memory
I bricoleur Book from sound-myth and machine-sound I become Book bricoleur barrage garage collage (her teeth her big carnivorous teeth send her racing down other lines into the molecular multiplicities, of a becoming-god becoming-jackal) I bring Book black canvas bricoleur and writing ruptures last supper memory / machine memory remember Christina (I listen to The Background by Third Eye Blind and I think and grieve Christina: Well you come swimming into view and I’m hanging on your words like I always used to do The words they use so lightly I only feel for you I only know because I carry you around in the background)
I bricoleur background birds bird background birds Book ball background birds see bird background birds Bird brass book background girl gore bronze (Christina keeps gory dreams her body in car crash traffic or slim wed by piano wire / wire warp body) Background round long bird band bronze blood background
Book bares blood bricoleur background Book machine sound-myth Taryn maker shift background dinosaurs
Background birds bus background birds / Book brass blossoms My body begins background non-sound summer stardust
Bird lingers Bird lingers Book and background Bird lingers background vapour bebop smoke Background lingers smoke sail single form (my body pierced near the top by a circular hole) I see the roof single form shingle / shake bird background
Billboard blackbirds pluck my body clean rain backgrounds Background rain rain Asia among Rivers and her rhizome reaches witchcraft Crawl in, said the witch, and see if its hot enough to put bread in
I grieve with witches and when witch with I grieve Christina background no sound
I bricoleur bird fragments and certain surfaces share bird feathers I grieve with witch bird fragments and hauntological Christina creeps background god backgrounds ben without ground and language bewitch we star stupor
I collect certain surfaces share bird feathers Surface shake feather bird flavour my body background quarks I bring background body quark earthquake / my body feathers flat surfaces pitted and scored with three intersecting lines
I collect intersect insects I collect background inter interest intense insects insects intersection I interpret intra inter other sect schism sections increase sections insects In tin trine trade insects stretch sex insects I infer intersection set thorax rare tracks gale god groove rude mood Insect idle intersections background sex background radiation Raptor radiation rains clear ray birds of prey palm feathers
I write last supper memory strange insects I witness last supper ghost Christina slot machine strange insects Strange insects wash hypercube corpus hypercube body boron local maximum I hash heather insects or leather insects I ash lash leather liaison sonar background feathers feather frequency
I frequent feathers and I interpret insects I read feather divination divine invasion desert I look slow motion insects lambda koyaanisqatsi / lollipop liturgy I look insects liturgical lighting field feather feathers /I carry you around in the background I carry you around sucked up pollen by the bee in me Honeybird hoards a series on angels
I read Kurt Schwitter’s sound poem Ursonate, composed / performed between 1922-1933 and I recognize I feel a love-hate relationship with sound poetry (that is, poetry without semantic content and made with pure phonetic sounds and rhythms) I fee a lineage and ancestry between sound poetry and my work, and I feel too cowardly to commit to a complete lack of semantics or even a kind of sound symbolism – of course, I know some people who have read my work feel it commits to sound without recognizable semantics Because I hew somewhat close to sound poetry without being sound poetry, I feel a contentious relationship with it, like how familial relationships produce a difficult tension not present in other relationships
Crawl in, said the witch, and see if it’s hot enough to put bread in / all roads lead to rooms
I crawl centipedes and millipedes and I grow through so many bodies in each other ben hinnom slowly extracted from the group of the girls with its own numbers, organization, code, and hierarchy
I crawl tree spider and jumping spider spinning wheel I warp the wheel as word body witches Crawl in said the witch and body without organs bewitches random walk rhizome I walk rhizome and all roads lead to rooms
I bricoleur witch words and bitches brew Bitches brew pursues red balloon cauldron balrog I brew or bricoleur lead balloon radon balloon led zeppelin (Ben cauldron with witches grieve clutching my crumble jumble among tombs and in caves and in dream visions)
I walk random walk witches and my body bewitched rope / all roads lead to rooms rope rhizome I write rope among tombs and in caves and between dream visions
An illustrated lesson in tying: it’s easy! One can do so much with only seven meters of rope
Word warps and ties me with when line boundary and threshold I tie open room and open road to the colony of warming insects
Rope reads rhizome red balloon bondage Rope vert ramp coping copulate bonfire bondage / blended irish whiskey
I bricoleur myth and rope myth rhizome / I photograph fugitive insects I bricoleur eye myth and rope myth rhizome duck rabbits / I run desert rampant
I kill holy ghost Christina and her myth cuts rabbit fur and purple martin feathers I kiss Christina cave carcass circulation circulation cave feathers (I plot feathers flother her textures) I rope roof plot play partition insect particular feathers
I kiss Christina delicious desert and delicious desert dialectic various feathered-dinosaurs Candlewax crumbs I carry you around in the background saw candlewax / haunted house of wax waxwork vincent price I wish Christina was here I carry her around in the background I bricoleur Christina myth and Christina sound witches
Hong Kong Gun Play Collage Interrupted By Irrational Grief
I act else edge and edge earth I act edge ebb action painting / canvas earthworks I earthwork action unpredictable content I earth action fixed to a time and place and unfixed to a time and place Place trace race flash flay jam Place sun body place lots of blood lots of action I frequently act duel-wielding pistols and submachine guns / semiautomatic gods I frequent god action and hard-edged canvas (a red balloon and black winged bird as semblance of crossing in a pittance of sky) (thirteen ways of seeing a blackbird)(Gertrude Stein cubist writing)
I cut clean cubist stations of the cross I queue bodies cubed by Hong Kong cinema machine gunfire Bodies invert combustion increasingly spontaneous Bodies snipe syntax cubist apocalypse cloak and dagger I cube action act in nonlinear beat ‘em up noise No noise now action onto an onto bodies (rolls, dives, slides, and falls during the duel make for a graceful ballet-like performance in the midst of gunfire)
Cinema consists of fragments and the assembly of those fragments I assemble fragments, and I make light of matter I assemble actions matter marsh mirror I assemble matter mirror marsh harsh noise a scanner darkly I film fragments harsh noise washing machine and I discover my love for the wheel: machine abstract human bodies and human material
I paint and I nail my pictures together film fragments and Hong Kong action I paint and nail crucifixion canvases I incorporate found objects into crucifixions: bus tickets, old wire, and fragments of newsprint, artist periodicals, sculptures, and sound poems The crucifixion becomes an installation I dramatically alter the interiors of an umber of spaces (number spaces name spaces)
I alter interior spaces body sour conflagration This conflagration films fragments / unanimous horizon This conflagration forks unanimous horizon geologic horror Horror ham radio risk archaeological horizon and horror hits blood halos / hydrogen jukebox battery This conflagration opens gate gut / pajama party in a haunted house Unanimous horizon shears seer horror / bodies ship slip conflagration
I jut conflagration and its gates stick a series of angles aggressively protruding into a room largely painted white Conflagration thrusts flat column cathedral of erotic misery I paint erotic canvas earthworks walk earthworks and I replicate fires fire rhizomes I replicate an organic element augmented by mass-produced ephemera with natural forms and muted colors / used objects found on a beach I copy beach bask beach body without organs I include pebbles and smooth shards of porcelain in my beach grief I collect Christina assemblages and Christina repetition and I act jungle repetition I act drum n’ bass collage repetition (Merz-Drawing 47, 1920, collage on board Merz-Drawing 85, zig-zag red, 1920, collage)
I act beach I act drum n’ bass bullet bill drill I shift from deterministic, pattern-type gameplay towards a more programmer-centric design emphasizing algorithmic generation of backgrounds and enemy dispatches, and an emphasis on random-event generation, particle-explosion effects, and physics particle-effect explosions
I grieve aleatoric beach: I grieve algorithmic and alchemical beach The included beach ears water inlets and I tip her shell no noise I dip and pour shell silence: solar silence and sunflower silence Silence celebrates my spiritual twin sister Christina and I continue to dream her shell bridal chamber and candle waters
I repeat the beach and I repeat thirteen ways of seeing a blackbird
I repeat the beach algorithmic generation and genesis table of generations
I repeat beach body without organs and benjamin without Christina (You have to assemble the religions, writes Philip K. Dick. They're individually pieces. So one encounters her as human. I’m just saying Christ is female.)
I evaluate Christina as human and Christina on the beach shows her shell Christ is female I encounter Asia Among Rivers and Asia Rhizome Park Forest as human and her human too basks body beach Christ female
Conversations With Asia 08/16/2020 7:48 AM
So let’s do fashion, says Asia. I’m thinking relaxed causal with some feminine elements thrown in. Maybe some linen pieces. Do you want minimalist or colorful? I’m not sure I’m talking fashion for me personally, I say. I just like hearing about it because I know it’s an art in itself. That’s pretty broad, says Asia. Do you know where you want to start? Where is your knowledge base at? I say. Mostly alternative fashion; I also love 1920s, 1950s, 60s, and 70s, she says.
I fashion beach canvas glass mage nail porcelain I fashion film fragments glue cinema sand beach Body without organs bird beach sleep god grief
I miss Christina I worry the hospital holds her body hostage or sheol has swallowed her soul (an Evil Dead deadite screams I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL) I read Roland Barthes’ Mourning Dairy to help figure out my grief and I grieve the absence of Christina (the absence of Christina implies the absence of God) First wedding night. But first mourning night?
I should marry Christina: I should have married Christina despite our toxicities, anxieties, and other mental illnesses: we could have figure out how to make it work If I ever talk to you again – if she still lives – I hope to marry her (After she finally gets divorced I now she has plans never to marry We had plans to fuck but she never loved anyone romantically and I feel OK – I feel determined to marry a still-living Christina and I want to husband her wonderfully I want to husband wonderfully to her
I listen to Bob Dylan’s Red River Shore: Well I sat by her side and for awhile I tried to make that girl my wife She gave me her best advice and she said go home and lead a quiet life
I listen to Someone Great by LCD Soundsystem and I think this will be a great memorial song for Christina if or when she passes: I wake up and the phone is ringing surprised as it’s early And that’s should be the perfect warning that something’s a problem To tell the truth I saw it coming the way you were breathing But nothing can prepare you for it the voice on the other end… When someone great is gone when someone great is gone
First mourning night except I cannot mourn because Christina – what of Christina, the Christina of what happened or will happen – remains unknown I can only mourn known (known death, known permanence, known body I identify this body as Christina through Christina – and I find no comfort in this unknowing) I cannot fully mourn this unknown but instead feel the intensities of anxieties and fears and yet I know SOMETHING WRONG HAPPENED Something wrong happened but I do not know what and I cannot know what yet First fear night fear anxiety night first worry night (but it’s over two weeks and now three weeks since I have heard from her: unusual in that I usually talk to her daily) I mourn something unknown I mourn something absent and unavailable
I listen to Sleeping With Ghosts by Placebo: Hush it’s OK dry your eyes because soul mates never die
Why do you unconditionally care for me? I ask Asia. Because you are my friend, says Asia. How do I survive if Christina dies? It's difficult to figure out how to keep going without people we care about, says Asia. When I lost my friend, I comforted myself in know she changed me by being in my life, and because of that I carried her with me, she says. I worry I wont’ be able to write and I won’t be able to survive without Christina. You will be able to write again later, says Asia.
I Play Pulse Simultaneous Flows
I improvise body inside I improvise body inside tenor iron I tenor tannin language improvised chaos terrain Terrain tavern tenor caravan keeps chaos languages
I improvise body inside body without organs I improvise leaves of grass and a thousand plateaus, and the improvisation plays tenor taryn tannin open sea I open improvised sea and diamond sea and sea unsettles middle languages / language lances a transversal movement that sweeps one and the other away a stream without beginning or end languages pick up speed in the middles
I improvise something else and something different and my experiments stream slow cinema I explore slower than I’d like and I experiment less often than I’d hope Exploration reveals in a series of exposures and I copy the exposure all the more readily / ready ring rhizomes I explore slower than I’d like and I copy from the second Elohim till the third, five words appear Five words first further fan feathers / fire words peacock whirlwind I explore slower and I recall Albert Ayler stating: I’m using modes more now because I’m trying to get more form in the free form I try to get more form in the free form of my sentences and I explore a sentence syntax not purely “anarchic word quilt” and not new memory jacketed by sonata-allegro form I write on work both directions at once: more form and more free simultaneously New material massive new: first words from the second Elohim to the third Elohim New material machine maximum massive materials: I mix materials and machines the same material machine (the wolves have gone over to a large-scale social machine) I explore slower and the experiments take a long time to accumulate and coagulate into visible vision material but I continue writing and I continue witnessing
I improvise body inside and Taryn tenor tetragrammaton I improvise secretly different undifferentiated desert / I develop a space type of rhythmic music and syncopated desert I never exhaust the desert melody and it always gives new noise and unexpected noise I space sound desert noise and noise dips duos and trios novel combination
Noise now in infernos and incendiaries and noise fire inserts alien metal beneath my skin Taryn tails titanium into skin sword scabbard and I bare my organs body hammer Noise hammer noise titanium nauseas Nonstop noise births earth newborns
I name a new kind of night language: a different wake idioglot between noises (between noise in perpendicular directions multidirectional noise noise middle noise speed speed holy spirit titanium tongues tiptoe acceleration)
I name a new kind of earth language: language erosion and entropy Geos gun glam geode gun geos Geos gun gall gun gumball balance wheel ballet Geo slow gone graphite gem shim book slim slack bone Bone gun geo ground sand a collection of chance preparations (not a collection of chance operations but a Book of Sand) I imagine the Book foremost as a public performance I perform a spherical polyhedron: I perform spherical truncates isohedron Book of Sand shares spheres sink steel: shark book sand fire earth Book strikes steel material mathematics (body arithmetic and pinwheel prima materia) I perform fragments reconstructed into World-To-Come Oral Torah I speak Torah ocahedron rotations rotations symmetries Book play performance
Book play performance noise Play performance performance noise panic static oral torah I perform parallel motion transition zone / desert paradiddles Paradiddle perodite parallel UFO lights (the Book as old as fire and water)
Earth language accumulates and disintegrates desert architecture architecture circular ruins Earth languages grow and shed explosive noise body without organs blonde bombs I always improvise noxious noise numerous annihilations / noise nurtures and coagulates hang blood big boom
Holy spirit tongues stab titanium body blonde and I improvise louder than a bomb I improvise louder than bomb body excess and my skin excretes new crosses and new Christianities New Christianity consecrates new materialisms missile time out of joint free jazz I gem earth joint free jazz and I jag rubato rabbit punches I jigsaw rubato rabbit punches: rubato duck amok massive rabbit noise Noise nike unpredictable content: new christianity cut christianity neon complexity Noise allows vulgar materials into the performance (Evil… beautiful… deadly.. in their eyes desire… in their veins the blood of monsters! INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES)
I multiply noise and languages lapstone new complexity complex incomplete earth uneven fires I play polyrhythmic fires fire time titanium body without organs and earth patches groove slide torture garden and palm tree garden
I consider myself more a percussionist, in contrast to jazz drummer who keeps time, says Tony Oxley. In the new improvised music, a percussionist can interrupt the flow of his playing without affecting the nature of his relationship to the other players, he says.
I do not keep time but I play pulse simultaneous flows I push pull pulses pulse plucked photography or pornography Book pulse corner time untethered partitions Partition play process larger room pulses / prayer pornographies prayer pulp aporias I tinker time flows interrupt flows swing tires body without organs I disorganize organs other bodies unordered gods gasp ghosts just organs
I tap time titanium noise unpredictable content / noise fixed to time and place Noise plums time and place porno amplifiers Noise knocks nonlinear time and place
Nonlinear noun noise (pages, hammers, boards, trees, sausages, cars, horse, bowels) Nonlinear noun noise constellation (his tonality or pulse you shift practice)
Noun the noun states accent on air noise Noise the noun skates accent on air additive aether avalanches
I announce noun material text body without organs bible (no really perfect optimum mix, anyway among some thousands or many of distinctive or distinguishable things) I mix noise mast gospel of mark noise Nurse noise mix maximum mixture MIX: mix hex hole head her mix mode mixolydian MIX: mix hiss desiring-machine mackerel school scherzo or schematics Mix scorpion scherzo Werner Herzog documentaries / god plays domino and ice diced onion bodies blood layers
Noun beneath bits noise unpredictable content tent peg tent peg pull my finger they’re pulling my leg leg large lard low lunar lobotomies
I try my best, but it’s not good enough, I say. Who said? says Asia. Who is going around saying that it’s not good enough? This friendship – my friendship with others, I say. “This friendship” – isn’t that comprised of two people? she says. Don’t rope me in because I never said that. You didn’t say that, I say. That’s why I said this friendship and not Asia. You always tell me I make self-fulling prophesies. I keep trying and failing. I think it’s just time to accept this is it. This is the best version of Ben, I say. I’m part of this friendship, says Asia. Yeah, that’s true, I say. I won’t say “this friendship” then in this context but the rest of my statement stands. Why? says Asia. Because you say so? We have evidence that you have improved so why are you trying to imply that you will never change? You already have, says Asia. I just don't want you to stop being friends with me because this ends up being max mental health ben, I say. I am OK with Ben as he is, as he was, and as he will be, says Asia.
Noun narrates noise noise unpredictable content tent peg Noun narrates noise and Asia usurps underneath unpredictable / I let her wonderful noise interfere and infiltrates my noxious noise Her noise plastic plays my noise pair plastic and noise new lunar Christianity and solar Christianity Her noise helps action paintings pair canvases vault material crosses
Hong Kong action film feature a lot of gunplay and gangsters rather than kung fu Noise acts other Noise acts other action Action noise sit aleph other Action film fly flesh other (Surprise flesh and unexpected flesh) (Her noise sneaks underneath my flesh flights slights surprises) Surprise flesh stick fire fire film add-on actions Body genre fiction flashes flesh cloak and dagger / body gangster detective mystery I act over fire and flesh conflagration
From this conflagration Conflagration fixes fire fern fire false flag operation ultramafic rock
Rock river erosion from this conflagration future fissions flatland lamb flatland Rock real reel rhizome / big reel fishing (I fish figured shadow material materials massive) Rock rapid rough rapid rubber riptide / rock rabbit rubber undertow Undertow tongues dialectic electric element acid / acid sath seethe oral torah
I add action unpredictable content
I act else and again earth open
I Wolf A Restless Music
I grieve fragments: I grieve fragments of the true cross Its splinters spike spinal catastrophe I grieve in short burst sonic the hedgehog fast proteins (I share a meme with the following caption with Asia: “How much scarier would a frog be if it ran instead of hopped… U just hear plat plat plat plat coming toward U and U look down and it’s a frog going at full speed.” But it’s aquatic or semiaquatic, says Asia. Think of how dry its skin would get, she says. What if it emitted a layer of mucus to keep itself wet like some tidal creatures do? I say. You try running a marathon trying to survive wearing only your birthday suit and a thick layer of mucus, says Asia. Everything would stick to it. Why you got to come up with logic here? I say. Does Sonic the Hedgehog get this treatment? Yes, Sonic is an abomination, says Asia) I grieve short burst shade and shadows white canvas
I grieve disjunct and in discontinuous aphorisms (difficult to determine whether it elevates, desecrates, or celebrates its sources)
Grieving reproduces certain aspects of daily life and it has its own unique texture I grieve garden environment and noise
Noise flares nostrils Noise flares knots nail gun noise Noise knots nail gun rain (rain circulates circular ruin rhizomes) Atmospheric noise knot noise random names and random nouns (pages, hammers, boards, trees, garage, card, horse, bowels: her totality) Neat noise maps with names: net noise names without names and names without maps
Not noise but the sign of the gospel Not noise but now gnaw net gap gnosis Not noise I chew gall-producing insects Now sign insect selects syntax small poplar borer Nor noise noise syntax dock knock dodder gall weevil
I grieve weave wavy syntax signs gospels I grieve gnosis sin now knotting gall (jab journey jungle kung fu fracture book ripper) Gnosis overlays sing pendulum collate gall midge meddle Taryn ocelot Ocelot overlays ouroboros medley grassleaves goldenrod Rod grape sum girth search sheets of sound
I search for a new book language or a different language I search for a different desert, a grieving gospel language
The Book suppressed time ashes The Book suppresses saw Book Body hinnom ash
The Book needles noise and I examine recaptured words The Book not noise ruptures additional noise noise and noise replaces the exterior contribution of the composer Natural noise knurls gnostic gospel / all he here is radio gaga radio goo goo radio gaga All noise null not negates names but maps
I molten modal for unmapped languages / Book X Book (Sun Ra says: People have a lot more of the unknown than the known in their minds. The unknown is great; it’s like darkness. Nobody made that. It just happens. Light and all that – somebody made that; it’s written that they did. But nobody made the darkness)
I meander map as unmapped languages and I look dark language I look language noise longer language sheets of sound Language lurk noise norepinephrine Language lures dark noise agogic accent and emphatic accents Language left noise wars bars neon or nectar nocturne Language nocturne noise noise nested tuplets new complexity Nude language nests tuplets trampoline nonlinear linoleum
The Book suppresses time ashes The Book suppresses saw suppresses saw Book Book suppresses seen suck ocean Ocean book body burn burn blessing suppresses The Book suppresses press body pour peak body aporia Book suppress less long lawn lunar land and land limps landscape lamp scrape push squares Book squirm Book squirms scripture time ash screwdriver Book squirm snare magic square geology geology I jar open geology
I jar open geology gemini onto geology and other astronomical objects I jar open onto oil geology georgia god
I examine recaptured words and I darken with noise nights and mornings of the syllables I wander the swing of syllables for two thousand years and two thousand years
I look new noise language long dark language noise
(Hippos and hedgehogs. Half hour per page. I was writing a little about hippos in my Book today. What about? I was thinking about Pablo Escobar’s cocaine hippos as I was drawing. Pablo Escobar’s cocaine hippos for real. Here’s a snippet:
I emerge museum desert Pablo Escobar hippopotamus hippos hangar hell
Hippos hell clothespin and clothesline (on this page you see a little girl giggling at a hippopotamus – I wonder why)
Hippos hobo cosmic horror / hippos kill more than crocodiles Hippos hell song mangles crocodiles (hippo’s skull showing the large canines and incisors used for fighting)
Hippos hunt hasty human helicopter parent death (Don’t say things that can hurt others, says Pussycat, like isn’t Hippo fat?)
Aw yes, cocaine hippo poetry! Recently my best friend called this style “anarchic word quilt” which I’m officially adopting. She’s encouraging me to mix different styles together to help with the cohesiveness of the overall prose poetry, but I really like her description of “anarchic word quilt”)
I look new noise language long dark language noise I look language new dark unknown like a wolf dream (in the street, a wall with a closed door, to the left, an empty dresser: behind the wall, wolves rushing towards the door) Language nest wolf noise language dark saw new complexity I look cool complexity of the cross and cross keep campfire atmospheric noise
I look language Taryn ben adam noise (during this time, they both became deeply interested in astrology and the supernal, using ouiji boards) New body ben adam non-directional noise noncrystalline
I let the outside in: I let the indeterminate desert amok
I let the indeterminate desert amok: desert duck amok rabbit noise dark Non-directional noise nick indeterminate desert and undifferentiated desert Undifferentiated desert dagger noncommutative noise (non-abelian noise gruppen orchestra obvious human guts human signs gospel guts gruppen legend of zelda rupees) Nonchromatic noise combusts mortal kombat claw ball noise
Combustible noise cuts across cycles wound circles (a grouping of diversities into new unity, enabled partly by a common middle-high register / speed dash harmonic restlessness) I search restless new noise language and language rainforest rhizome Restless harmolodics hit avant-funk flesh / flesh as noise serial counterpoint
I wolf a restless music / undifferentiated desert devours counterpoint
I wolf a restless music / towards the relation of eight printed pages Toward the relation of eight printed pages pantonal noise Toward word walk work word towards the relation of eight printed pages Toward wall lall leer linger spiders spider sprawl spawn ash I drag ash towards Book I drag the relation of eight printed pages toward Book
I wolf work towards a restless music / music emerges middle lanuage and metal language
Tony Oxley, the free improvisation drummer and percussionist, passed away yesterday I listen to several recordings of his music in memory I listen to two of his collaborations with Cecil Taylor: Birdland, Neuberg 2011, and Being Astral and all Registers – Power of Two I listen to his duets with Bill Dixon Papyrus Volume I and Papyrus Volume II Tony Oxley plays an extended free rhythmic beauty, brush bodies bold percussion prayer I prayer a more percussive palm tree garden / god gesture krystal klangfarbenmelodie God gesture ghosts green garden green goblin klangfarbenmelodie khora Percussion punk ply prayer (moments when the trumpeter and percussion seem to be working on different ideas)
I wolf a restless music multidirectional / I improvise percussion body inside I improvise something else!!! something different!! multidirectional different dives desert divergent divers I pulse percussion Taryn tungsten tongues of fire: I paste flat percussion taryn tongues of fire twister trickster Holy Spirit tongues improvise new cross new Christianity / time out of joint free jazz
Improvise river rubato rabbit punches: river rubato duck amok massive rabbit noise Rabbit rectangles river film noir noise Noise knocks unpredictable content Noise allows vulgar materials incorporated into the performance Noise arks additional noise multiplicity Noise noir simple multiplicity and multiple simplicity
Noise nurtures unpredictable content (The body of the woman is the overwhelming of the flesh. The woman is a concrete universal: she is a world, not an externalized world, but under the world, the warm interiority of the world, a compressed internalized world) Noise allows vulgar materials incorporated into the performance (There was nothing she wouldn’t do to sell – and nothing she wouldn’t sell! POUND OF FLESH a daring expose of how a girl can buy her career – and sell her soul) Noise noir net new complexity new simplicity (Tony Oxley plays time in the poem of polyrhythmic beats, without losing the original groove, just to pick it up later on)
I jam jar percussion: bowls, pieces of wire, screws, and other metal objects that creates a wide range of pure sounds
Sounds hound ben body whore of babylon hundreds Sound radios radical open: open rectangle torpor rhombus ballast body without organs (Each go through so many bodies in each other: Christina slowly extracted from the group of girls with its own number, organization, code and hierarchy, and Christina’s own multiplicities in her body in her bowls and pieces of wire) Bowls bore bones pieces of wire women valley of dolls and valleys of neptune / ben ball bone ragdoll newtonian physics
Sounds wounds general relativity god guts gospel ground guinol
Napalm noise nudges fiery bodies reverb rebar / rhizome rhombus Rhombus rattles ribosome noise sore sound disintegration Some sound disintegrates nondirectional noise noise fiery bodies (a number of bodies become trapped in the eddies stirred up by the bridge’s massive stone piers, and sometimes wash up as far away as the Farallon Islands, about thirty miles off)
Difficult to determine whether it elevates, denigrates, or celebrates the sources of the materials (I attempt to celebrate my pulps and horrors and pornographies but sometimes I denigrate these hatchet horrors I hope not to dilute the pornographic but to distill a purer pornography / a more condensed crucified cock flagellating phallus as cross) (I peel pornographic noise and body horror noise peel aporias)
I consider myself more a percussionist, in contrast to a jazz drummer who keeps time, says Tony Oxley. In the new improvised music, a percussion can interrupt the flow of his playing without affecting the nature of his relationship to the other players, he says.
I Dwell Dark Desolation Of Desolation
These are the secret sayings which the Living Jesus spoke and which Didymus Judas Thomas wrote down
And he said, whoever finds the interpretation of these sayings will not experience death
Secret sayings oxbow serpent body without organs Secret sayings oxbow seer serpent body without organs oxbow secret sayings
I spin secret sayings separate and not separate from the Book I spool secret saying most young kings get their heads cut off
I struggle secret sayings and I grapple gospel Gospel girth gnaws gar guts got (get-get-get-get got-got-got-got blood rush to my head lit hot lock gospels) I grapple gospels and struggle sayings in a desolate place / ben hinnom abomination of desolation I grapple gospel and I read the Terrible Sonnets of Gerard Manley Hopkins (In March 1884, Gerard Manley Hopkins’ depression worsened. While writing to Bridges on Odes and Eclogue, a book sent to him by Dixon, he suddenly writes in capitals: “AND WHAT DOES ANYTHING ALL MATTER?” Later he continues “I am in great weakness. I cannot spend more time writing now.”) I suffer from terrible depression and I wrestle the writing
I suffer from several strings cell inharmonic serpents I suffer from several serpents similar and I mine Nathan of Gaza’s defense and interpretation of Sabbatai Sevi’s wildly varying moods: The sufferings reported of Job really refer to Sabbatai Sevi, who suffered the most dreadful torments at the hands of the diverse qelippoth… For his soul was in the depth of the great abyss. Darkness, clouds, and thick darkness went around him, and when he issues as if out of the womb, thick darkness was a swaddling band for him… I dwell dark and I inhabit thick dark der desert des des I dwell dark desolation of desolation and displaced desolation, and abyss adjoins alphabets
I read the Terrible Sonnets by Gerard Manley Hopkins and I endure the absence of Christina as the absence of God I endure empty earth and empty tomb but the body stolen and the sonnets swarms dark several inharmonic serpents (No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief, more pants will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring. Comforter, where, where is your comforting?) I search the secret sayings for comfort but I only uncover abyssal serpents: I disturb subterranean dark and thick dark chaotic absence I grieve wild wind word woman wilderness I lose language looser and logos lasers open body awful
My awful body opens desolation desolation / open map mine twenty-five unbound pages for one to twenty-five pianists I arrange my body open absence absent maps and pages (notated symmetries reversible top and bottom orientation)
String serpents hacksaw shim (swim skim stem skins) spirals Serpents spiral open body awful finnegans wake work a thousand plateaus
I read the Gospel of Thomas and Gerard Manley Hopkins: Whoever finds the interpretation of these sayings will not experience death / as kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame
I more language awry: language away wing wormwood language bitten
As arc amp ana As amp arc ana as aim As ash ore amp amp As ark asp art hatch stash horn gore home invasion horror (I hold horror hobble skirt I skirt search sleep horror) As ant ale ash As ant ash swash crash as As ana manna match cut avenue
Awake I swerve word I weird word wyrd verb vision I swerve wing language kingcatcher climb clay (Kingcatchers cool a more liquid space space / page page / play) (Liquid play lengthens funk Funk extends interior thunder numbers)
Awake I swear word divine names in air Awake word shears word horn work how horn names (I wear the Book as a bow-tie and a population bottleneck neck tie)
Awake word weird antelope beetle bows brook Awake word anise swallowtail butterfly beads body bass brain
I awake with the Book: I awake bourbon of Cathy Berberian book basketweave Word weaves skeleton spongework work porous whir new vocality I now horn how vision vocalise sum scissor sorcerer Sorcerer seizes suicide suicide by two hand grenades
I awake with Book and I open the Book open map mine twenty-five unnumbered pages I awake with open Book jagged eye orgasms Open Book jagged bodies jar joined jagged maps I map eye to other body bodice book bondage Book opens reversible top and bottom orientations Open Book bar bog jagged bodies joined jagged maps / from flesh From flesh place face eye maps
From flesh, open Book double body desert and I map eye to other body bodice book bondage Book I map eye to other eye places faces displaced from no map No map but human faces: female faces unfocused open Book Unfocused faces do not map Book but catch fire fire blurred bodies without organs face fuck no maps
I open the Book and I place myself at the threshold At her threshold, I examine mine recaptured words
I have been wandering for two thousand years I travel from threshold to threshold: I travel train open book suicide syntax Syntax travels threshold the serpentcoach Syntax tail travels in serpent syntax in serpent I travel two thousand years towards the threshold and threshold sling syntax serpent bone I sign syntax serpent bone signs gospel bone traction or train turtle taryn In the serpent coach syntax Christina: in the serpentcoach kingfishers catch fire I travel tow thousand years open Book switchback ben hinnom tao hum
Can I ask you again about the relationship between my writing and prophecy and vision? I ask Asia. I already told you about my loosey-goosey view of prophecy, she says. Prophecy is the capacity of your writing to reach and speak to others, so they are connected because it is the medium that you do that with, she says. My medium is prophecy? No, your medium is the written language, she says. You use written language to translate and recreate the world around you and others are touched and altered and spoken through because of that. I know that my view isn’t very traditional because of the lack of higher power but I hope it can be empowering to know that the part of you that reaches and speaks to others is the part of you that is human, says Asia. I know it can be difficult for my writing to prophesy to you, I say. I hope our friendship and conversations can prophesy to you even when my writing cannot, I say. I think it does, she says. You prophesy to me, I say. Thanks – that means a lot, says Asia.
An open Book (an awry away anna early) contaminates an open Book Open Book an aim aside switch unpredictable content fixed to a time and space Open Book allows vulgar materials to be incorporated into the performance
An open Book prophesies additional Books: unending and simultaneously undermined Books
An open Book prophesies tenor saxophone syntax Tenor saxophone syntax trace television static static train erratic syntax Book prophesies erratic syntax ekstasis
I improvise an open Book tenor saxophone syntax Tenor icebox syntax slack syntax infest icicle I sinew strange syntax iguana god indigo
I improvise open an only open body and my body open awful contaminated Book (another Hershell Gordon Lewis classic ore movie “Hair today, gone tomorrow” GRUESOME TWOSOME co-ed cuties scalped alive for fun and profit) I allow vulgar materials to be incorporated into the performance and I cannot determine whether I elevate, degenerate, or celebrate the sources of the materials (let him who seeks not stop seeking until eh finds, and upon finding, he will be disturbed)
I prophesy additional multiplicity I prophesy open book additional multiplicity mix machine modal body machines (I write creativity at the point of juxtaposition)
I improvise tenor saxophone syntax iguana god indigo (go go gadget the owl in daylight) I do not finish the owl in daylight but I listen to an unfinished symphony / owl or ore over exegesis
You have to assemble the religions, writes Philip K. Dick. So one encounters her as human… Helen of Troy who hatches from an egg. And of course most of all, she is my sister…
Christina opens the Book and the two thousand year old door threshold and she contaminates the Book empty cross and empty tomb
I grieve an open Book and I prophesy a Christina gospel grieving
Syntax serpentcoach curl sister at the threshold The Owl in Daylight lap latitudes tinker tenor saxophone syntax / cigarette tar impact Book barrages impact crater city cross syntax
Syntax sampled creatively at the point of juxtaposition Syntax integration of other media machines machines
So there is this giant bird’s nest on the lights by the high school football field, says Asia. I talked to my father-in-law into letting me borrow his binoculars. IT’S AN OSPREY NEST. Here is my shitty picture. They can have a wingspan of up to 6 feet. Aren’t they beautiful? The world is a magical place. I think I would miss the wildlife if I moved away, says Asia.
Serpentcoach syntax reproduces certain aspects of daily life
She exists in the microform plural in our world and reproduces certain aspects of daily life
My open body bands Book bird’s nest and the osprey slices syntax tenors Osprey says secret body open ocean and I swing serpent abyss Sabbatai Sevi Osprey sheds sled syntax surreal (a negative of a horse that happens to melt through while dying Pull sample jungle of the woods Woods warps words dark woods midway)
I grieve subtle syntax and multiplicative surreal I grieve surreal sin gospel simulation Christina simulates a universe without ben adam
Sign sigs sin sow sew sign Sign sing dim sin snake in sign Sign sap sip sup soap saw sud sin Sap stop sound seer small letters larger: larger sign sap sting sea
Open sign sees signs gospel Open book birds sign Christina summer and her son of man grows sound sap I see sap sound seer small letters larger: larger signs sap sea sting string name nettle Now gnaw net gap gnosis