Christina Counts To Ten

My eye intensifies My eye intensifies intersections / eye and eye amplifies erotic

The pineal eye emits inlet rays solar anus Solar anus ant hill ammo an eye interested in the erotic body / bathroom stall nudie cuties The eye at the summit of my skull wretches wrenches erupting volcano (volcanic vision with a shady and comical character associated with the nocturnal anus and its excretion)

My eye intensifies erotic robotics (The Lady From L.U.S.T. #9 The Poisoned Pussy. Sock it to me says Eve Drum… which is what they’re all dying to try – and die trying)

Eye and eye amplifies erotic hyperglyph (Hippie Sex Command. An eye opening case history of Hippie Sex Communes and communal ways of loving between pot… pills… and perversions)

The pineal eye perverts: the pineal eye emits perversion. My eye emanates the nocturnal anus and night orifices (My eye swallows night and my mouth chirps locust swarms. My eye socket devours night wider and wider orbits, and my mouth mixes mouth wide gulf gravity. My eye surf pooling gravity and pineal eye perverts night.) The pineal eye emits perversion and Book perverts theme and variations

Nocturnal anus excretes night (Experiment excrement. You are excrement: you can transform yourself into gold.)

Experiment excrement: I experiment eye isolates I experiment uncontained dazzling sun

Experiment excrement: uncontained dazzling sun (sun razzle dazzle he’s on fire) The summer of my skull captures necessary fire and skull on necessary fire catches sun dazzles rays through the stations of the cross

//
Seven stations of the cross map out Christina emanating ten numbers without what and ten countings in nothing

I find a list Christina made when her AA sponsor made her write ten gratitude about me. I’m sure I’ve copied them in the Book before but this copy creates new con/text and new hermeneutics, and her absence obscures the text into dark sayings. Here, the conversation I had with her about the gratitude (these gratitudes map onto gods on the cross and her words provide crucifixion-into-resurrection).

Did I hurt you today? I say. No, says Christina. I did email my sponsor though. I had some resentment. Mostly toward the situation (lack of inadequate healthcare). She asked me if I remember the last time I felt this way while I was still drinking. At that time I was still on Twitter too. So if I was angry about the system, I would go on Twitter and dress people down while having an extra drink. Then it would lead to a bad day, no problem solved. You’ll be on a special place on my prayer list at night for the next two weeks. She also had me write 10 compliments for you. Do you want to hear them? says C. I feel sad I will be on your prayer list, I say. That’s for people who made you mad, right? No, says C. Those people are there too, but there are several places I fill, she says. I see – I’m sorry for this morning, I say. You don’t need to apologize, says C. You didn’t cause harm to me. You had to talk to your sponsor because of me. You feel resentment. It wasn’t towards you, says C. It was a problem. Resentment almost always is. Does your sponsor think I’m a butthead? She doesn’t judge people, says Christina. She tries not to. And with the situation she called me out right away. She could see the whole thing. I was trying to control a situation out of my hands. So I controlled the one thing I COULD control. I withheld love from you, says Christina. I see – what are the ten compliments? Actually they were gratitudes, says C.
1. I’m grateful for Ben always responding, even if he’s in a bad place (I am chatting with a guy who looks like Al Bundy and it is wild.)
2. I’m grateful Ben reaches out, even when I don’t respond.
3. I’m grateful Ben forgives my lapses in communication (I also got mad at you for not checking my prophecy, I say. I'm not sure yet how I feel about it. Checking? says C. What does that mean? I consider you a prophet as well and a creative and prophetic partner. I mean you critique my work which is always prophetic work. Oh, I see, says Christina. I don’t feel I have a responsibility to critique your work. It’s OK to have feelings about that, she says. It’s not about responsibility though. I mean what do you do when you read my writing? It’s about a kind of essential intersection of creative minds, I say. Maybe you got to the problem, says Christina. I tend to reject needing others, reaching out to others, conversing with others, she says.)
4. I’m grateful Ben gives grace when I say rude things or are too blunt (I feel Asia for example engages in that kind of critique, I say. I don’t think it’s about being responsible about something but interacting with the work. You are my community. I experience the Divine through you. I trust you, I say. I’m not present with it, you’re right, says Christina. I’m everybody’s satellite etc., she says. It happens, I say. I’m always going to reach out to you and try to connect with you in creative activity. Asia has been doing something where every Sunday she reads one blog post I send her and she tells me what she thinks, I say. I can’t commit to something like that right now, says C. I will disappoint and then there will be a whole guilt cycle. I will always be a sounding board. And I don’t see a time where I am more committed to being present with your writing. I’m too disjointed right now. And I don’t trust myself to make a commitment. But I do want that in the future. I have to take baby steps, says C. That’s cool, I say. I’m sorry for being a butthead about it. You weren’t a butthead, says C. You can continue to criticize. It’s warranted. I just can’t deliver. I have limitations that I hope to expand as time goes on, says Christina.)
5. I’m grateful Ben allows space for me to be an imperfect person.
6. I’m grateful Ben meets me where I am but takes me by the hand to help me grow.
7. I’m grateful Ben has known me before recovery and still loves me.
8. I’m grateful Ben trusts me enough to be vulnerable with me
9. I’m grateful Ben lets me talk about 12 Step even though he doesn’t like it.
10. I’m grateful for Ben’s life (Also I didn’t say it to my sponsor because I thought it was too personal, but I meant that I’m grateful for your life since I know how hard it is to choose to be alive, says Christina. What did your sponsor say about the list? She doesn’t comment unless something is bullshit. Like it’s not a real gratitude or something. Is it OK if I write about your list? Yeah. It’s free for you to use. Would you like me to comment on your list? Up to you! No limits, she says.

Seven stations of the cross map onto Christina emanating ten numbers without what and ten countings in nothing
//

My eye intensifies My eye intensifies intersections / eye and eye amplified erotic I experiment eye isolated seven stations and ten countings without Christina I experiment eye count Christina without nothing (In traveled Ben wagoner – my lapses in communication Also I didn’t say it to my sponsor because I thought it was tie zamzawed, but I neifs that in braelet for your life since I know his band it is to choose to be alive)

My skull salts necessary fire catch sun dazzles rays through the stations of the cross Christina experiments counting cross without skull I count without skull I’m grateful Ben has known meets me to be alive (My eye eats the cross but the cross crucifies my eye socket. Cross multiplies eye orbitals, the buzzing of planets and electrons all crucified. Christina crosses out my eyes and black bars mutate into black iron prison. My eye eats the prison and its digested walls pour out more eyes.)

Eye amplifies erotic and I contemplate sun face to face I gaze Son of Man and Human One (My eye opens gaze and burning gaze through the middle of my skull. My skull parts sea of reeds and bloody red sea bifurcates sea bifurcates my tongue oral torah burning.) Eye amplifies erotic / I’m dragoman for ben always subwardens, even if he’s a bad bride

My eye eats long pork iron pattern welded steel My extraordinary eye dissects my skull I’m desert partitions

My extraordinary erotic eye dissects my skull in desert partitions compartment cranium department store wall brain capitus and ingot gut gash wound dehiscence

My eye intensifies Christina continuing without and counting mystery (Postcode structure curtail disrobement Ben an before trusts scale Scale fish number without map Christina stations cross)

My eye intensifies Christina number without what and she counts the eyes lined up in the black iron prison walls

I Fear Christina’s Alphabet

Alphabet accuse affair

Alternative alphabet anthropology     Attentive arbitrary alphabet aluminum / attention alphabet aluminum mirror wash up matador     Matador wash up do the mashed potato pilot beetle battlefields

Alphabet accuse affair     Accuse only alphabet orange grove ostinato     Alphabet accuse affair orange crush groove god ostinato syringe rhythm (ordinary rhythm rhythm four square asphalt salt shaker assault)     Alphabet accuses my affair absolves alphabet and I concern my affairs with adjacent alphabets: I construct disjunct alphabets affair unions

Alphabet accuse affair / I do not fear alphabet but I fear Christina.  I fear Christina secret in corners and she peeks pink out of the corner.  I fear Christina crushing down Kingdom of the Skies / several shooting stars.  I listen to the song Shooting Star by Bob Dylan and Christina falls like lightning from the sky (seen a shooting star tonight and I thought of you…)   I see Christina Kingdom of the Skies scorched with shooting stars and I think of her: I think of her fires in fires, and her fires burn alphabet butter-orange…

I turn on the electric stove and shooting stars spark upward     I turn on the electric shooting star and stoves stalactite upward war word grill     (Go open the jar of dill pickles for me)     Dill pickles drill trepann shooting stars / stellar light lobotomies

One of Christina’s favorite Bob Dylan lines, from the song Standing In the Doorway:  Don’t know if you I saw you if I would kiss you or kill you…     If I saw Christina I would kiss her.  I would kiss Christina everyday if I saw her.

Alphabet accuse affair: alphabet accuse affair Christina her own alphabets     Alphabet accuse affair originary Christina alphabet: alphabet accuse salt shaker assault (pounding out obsession turned into aggression cannot kill the battery)

I fear Christina pink out of the corner and I fear this alphabet.  I fear alphabets and I eye blind to the long piece.  I eye blind the long piece without eyes but the alphabet remains.  Alphabet resides in my remains a god grove and god groove and rain rhythm.  Only alphabet remains.


//
Only alphabet copy circles eye study

The ice-like, lens-shaped area tray trade transparent and of medium hardness

The watery whitish area surrounds the feast as the eggwhite surrounds the yolk

The glasslike steaming area supplies the first two with nourishment from the blood

Only alphabet eye study     Eye study island ocean / Adam space anatomy of the eye

Alphabet accuse affair / alphabet accuse rhythm rhythm driving rhythm permeates     (I always tried to get him when Elvin Jones wasn’t able to make it.  There’s a difference between them.  Elvin’s feeling was a driving force.  Roy’s was more of a spreading, a permeating.  Well, they both have a way of spreading the rhythm, but they’re different.)

Alphabet spreads and permeates     Alphabet spreads accuse arrive arrive permeates     Alphabet spreads spirals only alphabet

Only alphabet eye study
//


Organic eye alphabet ostinato know knot body noun / the leaf of an artichoke is an owl

How my mother’s embroidered apron unfolds in     Embroidery unfolds in simultaneous alphabet alphabet circulation

How my mother’s embroidered alphabet circulation alphabet articulation / alphabet serpent labret with articulated tongue

I bifurcate my eye and I bifurcate my tongue ostinato

I bifurcate my tongue ostinato oral torah     Ostinato oral torah bite blood boar bear boron nitride

The pineal eye emits inlet rays solar anus

Alphabet accuse affair     Accuse only alphabet bifurcate alphabet emitting eye     Alphabet accuse eye rhythm torah rhythm tow tongues     Alphabet accuses my affair absolves alphabet and I concern myself with eyes and tongues emanating the embroidery of the eyeless body

Alternative alphabet anthropology     Attentive arbitrary alphabet eye emitting diodes / attention eye alphabet articulates the embroidered eye     I eye Christina’s eye and her eye emanates the alphabet terrifies

Alphabet accuse affair

The Mystery Of What Follows

Content Warning: suicide, suicidal ideation

The drama is the mystery of what follows

What follows: my flesh in transition. What follows: my flesh transforms flesh and my flesh transitions. My flesh transitions flesh highway and flesh lighthouse. What follows: endless desert and desert liturgy and endless desert ritual. My flesh transitions endless desert drama and I drink from the potion of mystery plays and passages through the passion. The drama is the mystery of what follows.

What follows: prophetic ritual and prophetic discipline

I follow through to secret doctrines, doorway to flesh interiors. I follow labyrinth catacombs onto disciplina arcani further archaic interiors.

The drama is the mystery of what follows Mystery makes messes and mess itself teaches anarchic / mess tempests antinomian Mess itself mixes anarchic machine breaks down machine double desert / machines aggregate double desert drama (Machines moth mal not man machines machines root chant mock moon mist miscellaneous machines – multisyllabic machine monsters with morse code codex)

The drama is the mystery of what follows What follows: my flesh dorm dripping blood My flesh transitions blood protists first form protists (drama drip draft drift sift salt salt coarse coffee malt milk milk duo desert bomb dud)

I dive my body a mystery and I give my body a machine desert / detailed desert drama dramarama I’ll give you candy give you diamonds give you pills anything you want hundred dollar bills

I give my body mystery of drama and mystery of desert and my flesh follows the cross of Christina

What follows: Cross of Christina. Sometimes suicide seems reasonable and suicide seems reasonable without Christina. I study suicides because suicides feel a few bad days away (suicides occurred on bridges that span several gorges on Cornell’s Ithaca campus). (A didactic question: how does one talk about wanting to die in an ethical manner and even in an artistic manner without it becoming an irrational contagion?).

Louis CK has this one stand up bit me and M___ secretly quote all the time about suicide and used cars, says August. I don’t know if you heard it – it’s very dark. There’s this one part of the bit that always stuck with me though and he says it as joke and it is a joke but it’s also real and it’s like: the whole world is full of people who didn’t kill themselves today… “The whole world is full of people who didn’t kill themselves today. That’s who’s here.”

How to write my irrational grief of Christina’s absence and write in a manner that honors the depth and totality of that Ben’s grief and desires – and even desires to die – and to do it ethically or even artistically or even comically necessary – perhaps this only be discovered through the process of experiencing, writing, and prophesying its complete living narrative…

I continue to remember Christina through archived messages and letters:

[9/23, approximately 21 years ago]
You are the sweetest boy ever! I love the picture. It’s the most darling thing I’ve seen the whole time I’ve been here (I’ve seen absolutely no bunnies). Anyway… I love you, kid. I’ll talk to you later (Christina)

The cross of Christina is the cross of Christina and sometimes I select the cross as my method of suicide (I’ve seen absolutely no bunnies but only crucifixions The drama is the mystery of what follows) Suicide simplifies simplifies secret death Death is dummy thick thick water tetragrammaton (nonsense of the Cross nonsense shares nonsense of Christina) The cross of Christina is the cross of Christina prophesies nonsense (I strum suicide on a twelve-string guitar and god accompanies on stonehenge stratocaster)

The drama is the mystery of what follows I follow Christina cross and Christina desert (detailed desert drink rift drift drone drum sum hum harsh hiss sum sum hash hill harsh hell hotel) I line mystery and I experiment mystery: mysterious cross and magic cross (I experiment death-and-resurrection and I experience death-and resurrection, and I prophesy my death opening. I prophesy death into resurrection and I always live. I live through my Christina monomania and my Kindred cackles bewitched witches.)

The drama is the mystery of what: what and what with with mess Mess morse code Nag Hammadi library low lava fauva bean cannibalism (These mess of machines mirror medicine and medicine Mississippi River. I have seen myself backwards in medicine. I have seen myself backwards nursing uranium nucleus as for death to death, different radioactive chains. I have seen myself backwards and I step ocean park stained canvas. I machine the cornerstones of the complex plane and it blooms complex plane peacock plumes.) What way: the cross and nonsense of Christina

The drama is the mystery of what follows her cross and nonsense

Light Created and Concealed And Contained

From here on, light: created, concealed, contained in the covenant

From here on, light and lights: created Christina, concealed Christina, contained Christina, the completion of her covenant

Here Christina, Ancient of Ancients and absolutely present (Neolithic feminine figure.  Intricate geometric line work from the Cuchteni Culture.  Dated to the 5th century millennium BCE and found in present day Romania.)

Christina neolithic feminine figure with light
Christina feminine configured light with light and the configurations conceal Christina in light

From here on light, lights, and lights: from here on, Christina covenant female feminine form   (Neolithic noun notched neolithic neologisms, juice from the primordial god     Noun swivels concurrent god god bobblehead naked bandits     I invent neologisms with generous vowel volumes)

From here on lights, and Christina created neologism languages and invented words   (In high school, Christina and I attempted to create our own dictionary of made-up words.  I think the only words we ever made up were “splungeon” and “rooked” – a noun and verb with meanings I can’t remember.  We never successfully integrated those words into our daily conversations.)

From here on lights and feminine lights     Feminine figures with intricate geometric line work: Asia with all her tattoos
Feminine figures flash flesh feminine: Christina feminine forests forests erases (erasure empty tomb)     I taste the tomb from the residue of cassette tapes (I tape any archive double trap sets)     I tape trap trace race rhizome haunted homeless     I tape trap trace race worse trap / rhizome rascals and bricoleur bandits

From here on, lights: created, concealed, contained in the covenant     Lights ghost light from toothbrushes and I prophesy a photometric lamp burning amyl acetate (amyl acetate Eva Frank enfleshed Shekinah)     Lights call the teachings up until now has been like the dog that keeps vomiting and swallowing (From here on, I vomit light and swallow light.  I swallow lights and lights and lights devour my many stomachs.  I vomit light from here on and on lights and onto lights, the ritual of lights.  I vomit the ritual of lights and the repetition of lights, and I return to the lights to swallow them entirely light.  I light my stomachs passing through torches and lights.)

From here on, arcades and the alphabet arcades: arcades torch lights light torches     Arcades pass arterial alpha and omega ostinatos: ostinatos light tetragrammaton figures     Light here on lights and feminine lights figure intricate geometric line work: work tattooed light and forest light under erasure

From here on, light and lights: created Christina, concealed Christina, contained Christina, the completion of her covenant

From here on, light: created, concealed, contained in the covenant

The Cross Of Christina Is The Cross Of Christina

Alphabet paints piecewise above word awake: I awake watercolour word alphabet ben adam

I awake color and I awake to color. I awake to color and the color pours ritual: ritual alphabet. I continually awake to color concentrated and color pools in continuity. Color pours in the ritual and practice of continuity (awake alphabet alphabet ant at alphabet awake awake alphabet at water pigment pile awake).

Alphabet pours thick above word Taryn: I awake watercolour above ben awake

//
Christina colors outside the lines. Christina colors clouds as biomorphic soft alphabets. Christina colors outside the lines arcades. Arcade passages twist colors bleeding into colors stained canvases. Christina strays arcades arcade and alphabets intertwine word bewitched watercloud. Christina pours watercolor pink out of the corner. Christina pours celestial city stained pink out of the corner and pink punches purple and pink ghosts. Pink Christina gazes at the perpetual pink and I always look into the eye of Christina’s alphabet absolutely pink.

I am probably going to deal with bouts of depression and suicidal ideation for the rest of my life, I say. Probably, says Asia. I hope I don’t get discouraged from it, I say. I hope you don’t get deterred by it. I hope we continue being friends and growing despite recurring bouts, I say. I think we will be fine, says Asia.

The cross of Christina is the cross of Christina

The cross of Christina paints piecewise the cross of Christina The cross of Christina crucifies watercolour incompletely and watercolour completely the cross of Christina The cross of Christina crashes cubist crash cart the alphabet cross of Christina The cross of Christina keeps watercolour chrism and pours chrism piecewise paint and anoints chrism crucifixion The cross of Christina is the cross of Christina
//

Alphabet paints piecewise above word awake: I awake watercolour word alphabet ben adam Scarecrows alphabet son of man steles of seth (seed of seth sow watercolour sex Christina speakeasy gnosticism)

The cross of Christina is the cross of Christina

Aerial alphabet

Aerial alphabet cross of Christina is the cross of Christian aerial alphabet

Aerial alphabet Aerial alphabet autumn gnostic arctic Aerial ale alphabet both sounds Alphabet sound watercolour Christina colors outside the lines sound alphabet Alphabet and alphabets both throat throttle sounds

The cross of Christina creates Ben prophesying the cross of Christina and I witness her I pick up my cross and I follow the cross of Christina into absence over absence / aerial alphabet empty tomb (How am I supposed to create at all? I say. You just do it because you can and because you can’t not do it, says Asia.) I create crosses alphabet crucifixions and I witness her empty tomb

Alphabet paints piecewise word and I wake watercolour awake

I wake awake aerial alphabet Alphabet Aleph aerial ale alphabet sound awake Alphabet sounds awake both little throttle tetragrammaton titties (God glyph sound gender dysphoria polyphonic desert drizzles up dilaudid desert)

Awake absurd alphabet elephant ears echo violet aurora awake

Awake analog alphabet auburn hair ash awake (Ash trash layer alphabet zebra Alphabet amulet corrosive aluminum) Awake absurd alphabet elephant foot root violet awake

The cross of Christina couples copper the cross of Christina

I torch her copper conducts crucifixion quickly. I melt cool copper in my mouth and I prophesy metals some previously dead / not risen. Copper extends cantilevers with Christina ladders, and our Kindred columns hold up the cedars of the Book.

The cross of Christina conducts electric watercolors the cross of Christina (I attend the Church of Christina and my attendance brings the apocalypse. I keep a closer apocalypse Christina kisses and our kisses conduct copper eschaton. I kiss Christina certain apocalypse at the center of apocalypse and her parousia kisses human body palimpsest. I kiss Christina certain apocalyptic rubber duck revelations.) The cross of Christina kisses watercolour crucifixions in the atmospheres of the cross of Christina

(Christina I love you very much. Little red haired girl, I love you very much. Christina I love you very much and I miss you a lot. I heard Round Here by Counting Crows on the radio this morning and I thought of you. You’re the girl that says, Hey man you should try and take a shot can’t you see my walls are crumbling?)

Alphabet paints piecewise above word awake: I awake watercolour word alphabet ben adam

I Attach Alphabet To As Above So Below

I attach alphabet to as above so below

I attach alphabet to alphabet alarm biofilm Alphabet breeches alphabet bodies bubonic plague biofilm
(Biofilm formation both in the flea foregut and in vitro is dependent on the extracellular matrix synthesized by the Yersinia hms gene products)

I attach alphabet to alphabet as above so below Alphabets break boombox biological weapons (I attach alphabet to my biology: alphabet bone and alphabet body entirely biofilm. I attach alphabet to my biology and it boils bodies primordial soup. Ben biology rescued to biofilm swarms prima material. Alphabet structures the materia and letters shape chaos as above so below. Alphabet forms prima materia biological dark matter. I babel barbarian alphabets and ben body infects infrared turntables.) I strike alphabet hammer and anvil, and alphabet flees flesh sparks

(Woman mixes biological dark matter: tetragrammaton and Taryn materia Woman mines mine biofilm invisible orange aurora Woman melts aurora orange alphabet boxes advent accents)

I attach alphabet to alphabet as above so below

//
As above so below, Book of Christina

Christina keeps the forest in her brow / tyger tyger burning bright in the forest of the night Christina in the forest of the night Christina at night stalked cable cars Night Christina bursts red blood cells / corpse corpuscles (During a flea bite, Y. pestis is regurgitated into the dermis in a unique biofilm phenotype, and this has implications for the initial interaction with the mammalian innate immune response) Night Christina bursts red blood cells / corpse corpuscles Night Christina stalks cable car red blood cell crop circles

(Night Christina knows Night Christina Night Christina nets Night Christina Night Christina knocks Night Christina)

Electric Christina charges night car electricity (a cable car collapses clipper wires wire wyrd hyena: night car crushes you’re lying in bed with the pride of a lion) Christina circulates beach electricity central coast wildfires Christina circulates Einstein on the Beach red blood cells and the solo violin meanders voluptuous arpeggios

As above so below Book of Christina cable cars
//

I attach alphabet to alphabet as above so below

I arm myself with alphabet. I aim alphabet and partial alphabets break up in atmospheres (alphabets circulate Christina micropolyphony). I wrestle alphabet and alphabets evade me inverted alphabets. I wrestle alpha alpha aleph – alf alef any alpha wrestling. I wrestle any. I sample alphabets wrestling what is this alphabet (wrestling against alphabets alphabets and I attach myself to alphabet).

My cool aunt told me that my mom used to be into tarot cards when she was younger, says Asia. She’s like a Christmas Carol person, I say. Perhaps in another life, she would have been a cool witch. She is surprisingly witchy, says Asia. You still practicing magic? I say. A little bit, she says. I might try to do some sigils, I say. I love making sigils, says Asia. What’s your method of making yours? How do you use them in your practice? I haven’t really used them, says Asia. I just like making them. It’s kind of cathartic. I might start making wreaths and décor for my doors and put them there, she says. Oh, like meditative relaxing experience. Yeah, kinda, she says. It’s fun taking letters and playing around with their shape. Would you ever be interested in designing a sigil or sigils for the book? I say. I don’t see why not, she says. I thought it would be a cool way to show your influence and magic on the Book, I say.

I write each time make it magic I write each time magic it a more each time sigil (You still spongiform magic? A notchy bit. I tempt try to do some sigils and things. I love making sigils)

I love making sigils and I attach alphabet to alphabet I attach alphabet to alphabet make it more intentional magic practice Make it intentional magic sketch magic ink (I ink pink out of the corner pink out of the corner. I inch pink out of the corner pale pink out of the corner. I ink inchworm out of the corner still red red and gold. Pink out of the corner join jewel red red and gold / three spiral jetty drawings) I love making sigils and I attach alphabet to alphabet and in my eyes into alphabet, I have visions of her, a human one

//
Christina is surprisingly witch and she bewitches Book

Christina circulates beach sigils charged cable car beach Christina circulates magic Einstein on the Beach red red blood cells pink out of the corner Christina circulates solo violin vision visions sigils voluptuous arpeggios Christina circulates cross-rhythm beach / Tetragrammaton tresillo (Christina cable car couple sigil to the Bo Diddley beat) Christina circulates sigil beach electricity central coast wildfires (Christina circulates sigil making fire magic Christina why witch hold fire wormwood and wormwood warns winter word / winter music Christina woman of the Apocalypse) Cable cars follow Christina to Mount Megiddo

I watch the end of the X-files episode “The Sixth Extinction: Amor Fati” and the episode prophesies Benjamin and Christina. Christina pulls the tarot card of Touchstone/Keystone and she remains my Touchstone/Keystone. Kindred kisses keystone and Christina crypts counts cemetery creeps. Christina crypt inhabits a cryptid Christianity and a queer cornerstone (You’re a very important person in my life. And I, you! Touchstones like Mulder and Scully? I’m very lucky to have close friends who deal with asshole ben. Sure! And I’m extra lucky. I’m a terrible person. Not dependable at all. But I do love you.) (Do you think we are like Mulder and Scully about touchstones? Sure! We just use the word Kindred I think.)

Christina is surprisingly witchy and bewitches Book Her book inks pink sigils out of the corner
//

I attach alphabet to alphabet above and below. I attach alphabet kingdom of the skies to alphabet holy spirit (Above alphabet absurd asylum earth holy spirit spiral Above alphabet attaca talon taryn torture garden). I pull alphabet before I write each time. I make alphabets a more intentional magic practice. I still practice alphabets: I practice attaching alphabet to alphabet).

Alphabets surprise surprising and as dream pull: alphabet pull magic writing Christinas

Alphabet making intentional their magic That I there me the I you a doors try (Above alphabet absurd asylum cartwheel holy spirit spirals Above alphabet attaca talon taryn torture garden Above alphabet piecewise word awake: I awake watercolor word alphabet ben adam)

I attach alphabet to alphabet above Christina below Christina (Christina colors outside the lines. Christina colors outside the lines and Christina with camera make snapshots, holy spirit snap dragons. Christina colours outside the lines arcade time crisis. Christina at the arcade hustles alarm street fighter fugue stretto.) Alphabet fugues alphabet Christina stretto (Copper Christina keeps the copper gory through the Oort Cloud Oort Cloud wraps around Christina’s waist / Christina’s waist cool copper comet khombu ice field Christina furrows) Above Christina a celestial city plays pink out of the corner pink punch Pink Christina gazes at the pure pink ghost (ghost eyes ice caves eyelet I always look Christina)

I attach alphabet to alphabet Christina above Christina below

I Store Alphabet Beneath The Ground

I store alphabet beneath the ground I store ground alphabet god gruppen (stone groups groups gods stone gruppen)

I store alphabet alphabets beneath underneath ground ground

Additional alphabets bloody additional unsteady echo

I store alphabet beneath the ground gruppen alphabets. I store alphabet stones aleph and beth numbers. I store stone cardinals: infinite cardinals and the stones stir greeter explanatory power (I explain gruppen gods with very large cardinals)

//
I store alphabet stories and alphabet letters: Kindred letters and numbers stored beneath the ground

Tue 23 Sep, 22 years ago. Email to Christina.
I’m afraid of the day where you become so popular that you do not need me anymore. And it seems like everything you wanted about college is coming true – you are going to numerous events and concerts, making lots of friends and everything. I’m just scared a bit, that’s all. - Ben

No, sweetheart. You don’t understand. None of these things even begin to compare to talking with you and everyone from P____. These are just things to keep me from killing myself or maybe going crazy. I will always have time for you and I’m even ditching free food to watch Gilmore Girls with you. So… consider yourself lucky! Actually, I do consider myself lucky to be able to talk to you. Anyway… later. (Christina)

(Copper, you’re my very best friend. And you’re mine too, Tod. And we’ll be best friends forever, won’t we? Yeah, forever!)

I bury alphabets and letters beneath the corpse of Kindred (Every day your memory grows dimmer It doesn’t haunt me like it did before I’ve been walking through the middle of nowhere Trying to get to heaven before they close the door). Christina’s memory-absence haunts, but perhaps not as much as 3 or 4 months ago but the amount I miss her shows itself as abrupt and erratic – a nonlinear or a high degree polynomial

I store alphabet stones and alphabet letters Letters grieve Kindred abrupt abrupt Letters loot grief dark lights and no lights, and stone ground coppers (Tod foretells death)

Christina couple castle car hen mixed desert Christina couple Castlevania and Metal Gear Solid easter eggs (Christina lays lags eggs slipping omelets)

Christina catches cable cars by running after them really fast and throwing a gorgon grappling hook. Hook hangs on the wheels and drags awhile but Christina seethes teeth big fat goalie.

Christina clocks sonoran desert cactus crown Christina creeps into the canyon book of sand and library of babel everything bagel Christina keeps the forest in the furrow of her brow (she selects forest fragments and steals palm trees from Southern California) Christina keeps the forest in her brow / tyger tyger burning bright in the forests of the night Christina at night stalks cable cars

Christina stores stone letters and babel alphabet Her stones store Kindred stories – other world and underworld stories
//

I drive alphabet alphabets beneath grounds Alphabet alarm body bodies biofilm: ground gathers them up the slime of alphabets

Alphabet derives alphabet driven into ground grounds gruppen alphabet Gruppen ground grinds alphabets into slime water and blood separate

Event Makes The Apocalypse Explicit

Event makes the apocalypse explicit: an explicit apocalypse and vulgar apocalypse Event eludes-cascades the impossible: apocalypse asshole and apocalypse Fuck You (Fuck You a trumpet punch scatters Fuck You scatters sound skeleton hellions)

Event erodes into an explicit revelation (Summer Resort Women A searing novel of restless women seeking thrills and diversions… at any cost!)

Event erupts explicit eschaton (Sex Thief In the millionaires’ mansion, she practices her wild sexual perversions)

I experiment event. My mouth tastes ocean speech. I speak event (my mouth mere were taste ocean speech). That speech unfurls explicit and my mouth speech salts spalt brackish asphalt. I eat phantom event and I eat subterranean event unearths underground and it digs explicit phantom cave / phantom underground. Phantoms scribe god and ghosts glossolalia.

Event makes the apocalypse explicit Event etches ben adam graphomania: apocalypse graph graph graphomania manic graphs I etch apocalypse possessed by manias Graphomania serpentine directs directed graph apocalypses (graph catch wrench grape-clusters apocalypses cave mouth graphs screwdriver cave apocalypses cave mouth scratches apocalypse ben ratchet left)

Cave mouth interrupts eschaton / old kingdom turnip apocalypse I prophesy cave mouth / I prophesy my body alphabet bullshit I prophesy alphabet motherfucker unfinished garden of forking paths I prophesy unfinished torture garden god (ben body without organs)

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Event makes the apocalypse explicit: explicit my grief (Christina cave phantoms and Christina apocalypse underneath) entirely entire

This may sound dumb, but I feel I have going about this thing with Christina wrong, I say. I declared the finality of her never being my friend again because I felt me grieving without finality was harming my relationships. But I think my heart of hearts feels it untrue. It instead feels someday as long as Christina and I are alive we will reconcile. So it is false to say the Kindred is dead… Does that sound silly? I say. I think you need to approach the Christina situation from a neutral stance, says Asia. It doesn’t have to be black and white. Both can be true. It is both over now and has the possibility of not being over in the future, says Asia.

I know Asia is probably right (she usually is) but I want to be a Knight of Faith and have unwavering belief in the Parousia of the Kindred and the Kindred Apocalypse. The deep grief grinds absurd depressive abyss.

Event makes the apocalypse explicit and the Kindred explicitly writes apocalypse and apocalyptic Explicit event arouses Kindred faith and faith in parousia, and I await in anticipation Kindred Return as a wise virgin with copious oil
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The event must also announce itself as impossible: it must thus announce itself without calling in advance, without forewarning…

(An erotic event explicit hitman pornographies) Erotic event explicates explicit. Erotic event explicates aleatoric and chance pornographies. Erotic event oscillates erotic with erotic and pornographic with pornographic (an erotic event explicit hitman pornographies)

An erotic event exhales explicit pornographies in graph with clandestine pornographies Erotic event exhales assassinations agglutinations (aleatoric hitman sting bugs body armadillo tortillas) Erotic event assassinations: I do not announce this assassination which also acts in annunciation

An event apple orchard pornographic pomegranates Event elan excited event announces event without event Announces event without announcement immediate impossible apocalypse A neurotic impossible apocatastasis / immovable movable mischief monoliths

The Event of Christina announces her apocalypse without apocalypse (This is the way her world ends, not with a bang but a whimper)

The Christina Event and the Christian Event empties apocalypse of all apocalypse and only the impossible remains in its kenotic residue

(The event must also announce itself as impossible: it must thus announce itself without calling in advance, without forewarning, announcing itself without announcing itself, without any horizon of expectation, any telos, formation, form, or teleological performance. Whether it is always monstrous, unpredictable character, demonstrable and undemonstrable…)

The event announces itself as surely apocalypse – hitman apocalypse apocalypse assassinations erotic apocalyptic absences The event announces apocalyptic alphabet An alphabet has been stored beneath the ground (Beneath ground, god gruppen god body without organs Beneath ground, organs grasp gasp echo earth echolalia) Apocalyptic alphabet add unsteady echo echoes

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Event echoes Christina apocalypse and I prophesy her eschaton in fragments

I prophesy mostly in fragment, and I copy Christina emails and song lyrics. The copying prophesies too. I prophesy nostalgia for former apocalypse and I unearth platypus fear street / god gore goosebumps. I revive revive the fragment (for myself) as the primary medium for my (not) mourning. I miss Christina and everything I copy copies Christina (Christina compresses the apocalyptic event into fragments and fragments of fragments; she assembles her fragments impossibly and she assembles herself impossibly). I rearrange Christina fragments into double fragments, my own version of the Banach-Tarski Paradox.

I copy stations of the cross, dissemble the pieces into holy splinters, and I reassemble them to form a dozen crosses and a dozen crossed Christinas (I’ve stepped in the middle of seven sad forests I’ve been out in front of a dozen dead oceans I’ve been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard…) I prophesy a baker’s dozen apocalypse and Christina inhabits every desert. Christina crucifies the habit of the desert and desert language betroths heaven and hell.

I articulate the desert twice: I articulate two deserts and two cave mouths, and they machine double-jointed time out of joint. Christina time out of joint keeps corpses cold in karst catacombs (Don’t know if I saw you if I’d kiss you or kill you It probably wouldn’t matter anyhow You left me standing in the door crying I got nothing to go back to now). I articulate Christina double desert sidewinders and her whirlwinds keep cold karst catacombs. Her catacombs crack casks karakoram. Her catacombs keeps climber dead and she keeps time on frozen bodies. She keeps time in apocalyptic fragments and names, and YHVH emerges out of the heart of the tempest and tempest tests in double kisses. YHVH tempest articulates double kisses. Christina kisses me double apocalypse and double event: Ben King Cobra and Shelby Cobra fragments.

Christina simplifies apocalypse: an approximate apocalypse fulfills the same game events and a full apocalypse. Christina accents apocalypse and staccato holy spirit and quick time eucharist events. Christina spikes apocalypse with arsenic (Last night I danced with a stranger but she just reminded me you were the one).

Event echoes Christina apocalypses and her eschaton shatters events into fragments – her fragments
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Event makes the impossible explicit: an explicit apocalypse and a vulgar apocalypse I vomit vulgar visions – visions vernacular viral pornographies (From one of the strangest marriages of all time, Lili plunged into a heavenly hell of violent ecstasy Too Good For Men)

Event makes the impossible explicit Event alphabet hits alarm body bioflim / ben biological weapon Event biological weapon whip woman Taryn Tularemia (woman tetragrammaton Taryn Tularemia) Event makes impossible invisible aurora orange Aurora orange alphabet boxes advent accents (Christina accent fragmentary apocalypse / impossible orange alphabets)

Event makes the impossible explicit

A Map Has To Do With Performance, Part 2

A map has to do with performance / A map performs as a map’s performance

I ghostwrite for god

I receive the rays of her disk when she lights up my bodies netherworld: when she passes by I enter into darkness

A map has to do with performance and I map the map worship I perform the map worship word work and wyrd wyrd work: my flesh future and fates I worship map woman and machine woman (Head of Horns Face of Horns Neck of Horus The Goring One)

I receive the rays of her disk and her disk radiates rays outward. I walk on the rays slowly, a light boardwalk. I receive the ray and I walk light word and I follow the word geographies (Book merely consists of traveling various geologies and geographies). I receive the rays of her disk and I walk the light for a long time. I mix the light before the universe and after the universe. I receive her rays before the singularities and after heat disk death (end of the universe ejects me as Krona and Galactus). I receive the rays of her disk and the rays light up my body gamma radiation. I receive her rays big death and my spirits spiral to the Netherworld. I enter into the beasts of her darkness.

A map has to do with performance and I ghostwrite gods I ghostwrite god worship word liturgy of the hours I map the map mischievous machine elves / DMT Towering Desert Map more when matrix mischievous / fish Christianities I fish microcosm a return to melody: melody map banishing circle salt circle bodies burdocks

Permission to write some of this conversation in the Book? I say. Permission always granted, says Violet. I’m going through a writer’s block period this past week so it’s been difficult, I say. I mean I’m a compulsive writer so writer’s block for means instead of writing 10 pages a day, I write 4 pages a day. But it’s frustrating. I found our conversation useful – haha – for helping me break out into something, I say. That’s good, says Violet. I’ve always found creative blocks to be proportional to how serious something is: it’s a sign in taking things too seriously. Do you think that when you write the word “dog”, the letters should bark? she says. John Coltrane said his goal in music was where if he wanted make it rain, he could play music to make it rain, or if his friend was sick, he could play music to heal them, I say. I think when I write, the letters should vibrate to the resonance of the universe… I can’t think that all the time because that would be exhausting. But I hope overall the Book transforms the reader anew. I’m not sure how exactly, but it’s a magick ritual, a transfiguration, an awaking to gnosis or some bullshit like that. I’m writing to make myself whole and transformed too, I say.

A map has to do with performance and I perform the map worship I perform the map ghost god god melody (You don’t have to worry about the changes, and you can do more with the melody line. It becomes a challenge to see how melodically innovative you can be… Fewer chords but infinite possibilities as to what to do with them…) I perform the map as the melody

I map the line to line I map the line to the line melody (melodic letters as rain and heal, melody of planetary orbits and circumferences) I map the line melody melody new now nonlinear I fuck with the line map contours cobra women (I receive the rays of her disk and the light scribbles on my body serpents. Serpents inscribe my body with light spinal columns and vertebral disks.) I fuck melody from circles cyclic rapid cycling and I often forget to take my lithium literature lamp oil light slot machine

Scribbled along my body, body Scribbled along my body, body serpent melodies

Scribbled along my body, boomtown bodywork Boomtown ghost towns ghostwrite my body god gods light disks

Scribbled along my body, maps of serpents

I suspend bone scribbles body hanging halves / ben body bulkheads (I sculpt my body in halves and I walk through the wolves and I rearrange the halves and the halves transform into illegal lego builds and bricks sing the melody in new inventions and innovations) Ben Adam suspension suspends ben alphabet scribbled this is where time becomes space (This spacious melody invents timeless melody and the melody names novel between halves) I suspend my body work alphabet arkestra electron-capture I suspend slow serpent stuff ten of staffs surrounding ring of stones: I write stone ground and stone subterranean

A man has to do with performance I read the map for meaning and into meaning I read the map into weaving meaning and I read the map moments of symmetry (My body balances The Fool precipice on different sets of complex numbers. I embed my body into the closed field of complex numbers. The map works with the melodic line and it weaves the numbers and operations onto different numbers and the same numbers.) The map archive massages the message The map machine demarcates the message desert deconstruction (the event must also announce itself as impossible)

Map and archive pronounces itself as art. The library and the connections in museum itself becomes art. The tissue of quotations and texts itself creates art and displays itself as art inside art. I live in my archive and library, and its collection maps art with art and maps onto art. I accept my map, my collection, and my library / archive.

I perform the map stone subterranean homesick blues / abducted body beach subterranean homesick alien

I perform the map and I stone stones underground / blood erupts from the ground (blood erupts from the ground blood erupts from the stone stone erupts from stone bloody map) Blood burrows ground holy spirit soak Blood births blood ground bloody book sputum and lymph and my body tree sap speech

The Voice I Invoke Speaks of An Other Christianity

The voice I invoke speaks intensely of things disconnected and of things disconnecting from itself

Cowbird blackcap birdblue reedbird stork

The voice invokes the intimate voice, and the voice speaks intensely of things disconnected and of things disconnected from itself

Cowbird blackcap bluebird reedbirds stork Oak sweats partial objects partial cowbird blackcap death cap Oak sweats partial objects: oak invents intimate disconnected event (I exist disconnected from my body: I live dissociated from my body a body X bluebird oak event.) Oak sweats event or experiment partial objects / ben eye ben bone ben body tunnel and canal

I feel a pragmatic approach to thought, art, and texts, I say to Violet. I use what is useful to me and don’t use what’s not. Whether modernist or postmodernist or romantic. Like the idea that a philosophy is not true or false but either interesting or not interesting (paraphrased somewhere from Gilles Deleuze). Use in a different sense than how Vignelli might use it though. Maybe for me mystical or passionate or soul vibration intangible use or something, I say.

I use what is useful I use useful full use intense (I speak intensely of things disconnected: I find discontinuity interesting) I use what disconnected what from itself and from itself and I use what I use the real romantic and use romance intensely interesting

I play intensely pragmatic / I play intensely pragmatic porous voices speaks

The voice I invoke and provoke speaks intensely of things disconnected: disconnected desert blackbirds bird partial objects (I don’t become a fan of desert landscapes: I play with minimal ontological commitments. I play pragmatic ontologies and epistemologies. I play geology geometries.)

The voice speaks intensely things of things disconnected My eye disconnects and imparts Torah (lights spelled deficiency) My eye disconnects lights spelled without vowels, where the lights maroon Lights spelled deficiently drives derived from passing an electronic current through the mercury vapor light bluish-white

My documented eye emits Torah tunnel latter prophets (I prophesy eye open aporia) (I prophesy eyes and my eye opens to eyes. My eye opens to the eye of prophecy. I prophesy eyes and the eye interests me because the eye sees. My eye sees and it sometimes sees nothing. My eye plays possible passages – passages through the Palm Tree Garden. My eye plays open garden gate torture garden and my pragmatism resembles geography. My pragmatic eye opens the play between mapping city geography and geological strata beneath. My eye strata and stanza stray possible underneath.) My disconnected eye imparts scripture and moves scripture and new scripture hermeneutics

My disconnected eye emits Torah tincture latter prophets I prophesy eye open aporia I pronounce the disconnected eye prophetic / I announce the eye partial object and scripture I enunciate the disconnected eye and the eye spelled deficiently further disconnects

My question is how much is the idea of picking and choosing what is “useful” rooted in your conditions and episteme or why what is useful to you is useful and not something else, says Violet.

What use roots and uproots What use roots and uproots cowbird blackcap bluebird reedbird stork What use roots playing uproot memory (I out use at the roots of pardes non-idiomatic improvisation)

The voice I invoke speaks intensely of things disconnected I prophesy rose horses I prophesy rose horses ben hag bodies (Disconnected fire in your mouth Things disconnected fire in your body Fire in your blood in your guts)

Voice invokes and I scribe received scripture and scripture eschaton Voice invokes performing maps onto performing scriptures Voice invokes varying apocalypses

I yearn for an apocalypse so the world can reinvent itself, says Violet. Been thinking a lot about the Late Bronze Age collapse, she says. As an ex-Christian, I try to discard eschatology but I still feel nostalgic for an apocalypse, I say. Have you recently started identifying as an ex-Christian? says Violet. I left the church in August of last year, I say. Around the same time I stopped thinking of myself as a Christian… In choosing I can’t escape the quasi-deterministic society constructed ben thing. It’s like that interview Derrida did with Ornette Coleman: tension between traditional and (impossible) invention of improvisation. But I have a passion for the impossible too, I say. Me too, says Violet. It’s something I really ache for, she says. I’m still a creative mystic, I say. I’m not an atheist. God and I had a divorce and that’s that. But I still feel whatever beyond and yearn for the impossible. I’m just sort of an anarchic materialist creative mystic looking for the community of creative anarchists. That’s certainly eschatological, I say.

The voice I invoke speaks intensely of things disconnected and things disconnected from itself, but the disconnections are only more remote connections. I live the experiment of inside/outside Christianity. I live the experience entirely inside Christianity / outside Christianity (I prophesy a strange Christianity but Christianity nonetheless. I speak an erotically other Christianity that is indeterminably Christianity.)

The voice I invoke speaks intense Christianities and dis/connected Christianities (Christianities play parallax and converging parallel curved geometries. My Christianity prophesies independent of the parallel postulates and explores other Christianities / other geometries).

I never escape Christianity because the Philip K. Dick AI voice – the neutral feminine voice – continues to invade my consciousness and compels me to prophesy her Christianity. I interpret again the words of Jeremiah: For as often as I speak, I cry out; I cry violence and destruction! Because Her word is made a reproach unto me, and a derision, all the day… And if I say, I will not make mention of Her name, then there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with forbearing, and I cannot contain…

The voice I invoke speaks Christianity is useful to me I use Christianity interests intense word language and language mystical passions I choose the impossible impossible Christianity: I respond to impossible Christianity

In choosing Christianity Christianity invokes many voices (many dumb voices through me)