The root of the soul of Sabbatai Sevi entered one particular husk, which was none other than Jesus
Husk tusk happenings: husk haunted tusk happenings (My tusks task towers. My tusks trace towers happenings and what happens in tusk gore. Tusk gores the tower and tower falls tusks folded into husks. The tusk into husks load transmigration of souls and each souls enters my husk. My husk resembles something oceanic: rumbly ocean and tempest ocean made in soul word of oceans.)
My tusks talk towers long turtle time long turtle time language music long melody Long turtle time taryn tusks and towers (Tusks overlap tusks and towers overlap towers: Taryn transmigration of souls) Towers tack or taste tusks splatter film husks (Lucio Fulci’s cruel masterpiece of relentless horror The New York Ripper Someone’s taking a bite out of the big apple) Splatter film human husks and human husks film flaw gelatin rhizome rudiments Human husks stir film floater bodies bodies
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The root of the soul searches: my soul root searches sheets of sound
I read more poetry. I read the poetry in exploration and experiment, and I touch the language (a naked bridegroom hovers above his naked bride). I read more theopoetics (I dance the bridal chamber nude and I hover in pomegranate pornographies and I space grape gruppen my eye in excess).
I read the language rib red rat rap hip-hop red language (dance at weddings where fanatic grooms still dream of brides broader poetic language). I dream of bridemaids screaming and I scream phoenix language. I scream language laughter and film fire language / I scream the increase in animation cells.
I repeat the aroma and aurora of animated cells and they draw desert monastic cells, and cell exchanges cell and cell transmutes cell. In my cell – in my desert cell – I study green men. Not martian green men but the decorative grotesque (The green men appear in many forms, with three common types categorized. The first of these is the Foliate Head, and green leaves cover it.). When Elohim expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden, they sprouted Foliate Heads and their leaves covered their nude bodies.
The root of my soul searches: my soul root searches Adamic languages and Adam bodies / overwhelming green palm tree garden
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The root of the soul riots religion The riot of religion reveals the riot of my body The body of religion bodies revolt (I revolt against the writing and through the writing. I revolt with writing and writing riots through my body. I revolt in bright green and radiating red, and this red crowns my head in gardens. I revolt writing writing and I rewrite riots. I revolt against this saturnine melancholy inscribed in my body.) Bodies revolt colt revolver sea of reeds rush / Yam Suf snake coral or curl
I have a thought this morning, says Asia. People deep in Christianity cannot know themselves on a deep level so therefore they cannot really know others or allow themselves to be vulnerable. They cannot know themselves because they are afraid to. Afraid of what they might dig up if they go digging around in all the things they packed away or afraid of everything unraveling, she says. What’s funny is I’m attending church online right know, I say. You wouldn’t consider me deep in Christianity – or you’d consider me something else? Maybe I’m inside-outside Christianity. Like liminal, in the threshold or even the outer darkness, I say. No, I don’t consider you deep inside Christianity, she says. You have spirituality that centers community. The people I’m talking about are the kind that allow their beliefs to form this inner critic that is constantly monitoring them and are constantly trying to act the part, she says. Like the kind of mindset that considers humanity lost or depraved and suppressing that humanness, I say. When I thought of deep Christianity, I thought of mystical Christianity – like Meister Eckhart or St. John of the Cross or Pseudo-Dionysius, but they had opponents who considered them not Christians or heretics. They were inside-outside Christianity. Their tradition was Christianity but they threatened Christianity too. So I think you’re right. What I consider “Deep Christianity” is a kind of mysticism that threatens the institution of Christianity itself – a Christianity that no longer needs Christianity as a religion, I say. I didn’t mean a deep religion, says Asia. I meant someone so steeped in a religion that their vision is blurred. Yeah, I say. Deep in the institution of the church, the organization of religion, the rigorous structure of Christian religion […] Our priest’s sermon was about facts and stories we tell – ultimately her sermon was about how the stories we tell make a difference, and how we need to interrogate and dismantle stories that divide, create oppression, and separate rather than include, I say.
The root of my soul riots the root of my soul revolts around in Christianity too so steeped in Christian or allow the insider bodies riot ribbon religion region: ben bodies religion without religion or religion ripped from babel bodies
The root of my soul teachers sheets of sound Root religions regions ripped from basal meat human skeleton Sketch skeleton open casket corridor / corridor colt revolver my body brothel
The root of my soul and I’m talking around in the people deep in Christianity
//
I rest in the root of Deep Christianity (ultimately her sermon was Christianity)
The expulsion of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden and expulsion attends around in the people deep Christian (The original myth states: For the man and his wife YHWH Elohim made leather garments, with which he clothed him… Christians sometime interpret this as a blood atonement, a foreshadowing along with Genesis 3:15 – the Protoevangelium – as prophesying the crucifixion of Christ.)
The expulsion centers them to other and longer of inside threatens heretics
I prophesy the expulsion of crucifixions of Christ and the Garden becomes an excess and a grotesque itself: Adam’s body becoming a foliate head,, completely covered in green leaves. A similar scene happens in Daron Aronofsky’s The Fountain, where the protagonist consumes sap from the Tree of Life and it destroys his body and it blooms into leaves and vegetation. Adam as the walking foliate heads moves maneuverable garden. My body a burden of the Valley of Vision curates my flowing hair vegetation: my faces leaves of grass and grass gas giants.
A second type of Green Man is the Disgorging Heads, which spews vegetation from its mouth. I spew vegetation vision: I spew deep Christianity from my mouth. I spew deep Christianity this dipping in Christianity and on a deep level. I spew vegetation vision: I spew urban sprawl visionary violence. These violences clear space for gardens: a violent clearing for the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil (I spill a silver ink into disgorged desert. I document desert underneath, the glacial lakes and underwater lakes lead odd space led zeppelin.). My stomach spills vegetation through a glass darkly (a dark glass disgorged and expands pencil eraser and eraserhead.)
I rest in the root of Deep Christianity (ultimately her sermon was Christianity)
//
The root of the soul of Sabbatai enters one particular husk
Maybe I’m inside-outside Christianity. Liminal, in the threshold of even the outer darkness. I have a spirituality that centers community and I navigate Christianities. Outside of Christianity I ornament my deep Christianity.
I Enter One Particular Husk
The root of the soul of Sabbatai Sevi entered one particular husk, which was none other than Jesus
Root husk hearth hawk rhizome Root husk hum drone drama dramatic pause or grand pause aporia intercepts rhizome (I inhabit husk habitat and nun’s habit. I inhabit husk mastodon tusks. I take the tusk to my teeth – the Temple of Husks contains only human teeth – and my teeth shuttle silver. I inhabit husks out of habits – good habits and bad habits inhabit husks – and I hold husk over/through my precipice body.) Root husk hum drone passion play play drama / grand pause aporia intercepts rhizome
//
The root of my soul receives sin. I inscribe my soul through sin and heresy: heavy Book and holy Book
I look for something. I look for something now and new here. I look here her hey here heavy soul and heavy Book. I look experimental film and filmed nude flesh: newly nude pornography (pornography as excess and process in process): I look and document process in process. Asia’s desire to art journal inspires me. I bought her a thick notebook advertised as an art journal and she shared a few pages of her art with me. I do write incessantly and daily, and some of it involves journalistic aspects and autobiography (I would argue my work involves entirely autobiography, even the “made-up” mythologies and “imaginary” narratives, but Asia’s art journaling makes me want to explore an unmediated (impossible) autobiography unencumbered by metaphor or mysticism or writing a private (impossible) language only for me.) I think of all my writing as public writing – even the writing I censor and the writing that embarrasses me and I try to suppress. All my writing is public writing – either to be adapted and edited for the Book, or when after I’m dead, evidence for analysis and elucidating the Book (See: Søren Kierkegaard’s notebooks or the Black Books or CG Jung or The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick). I give permission for all my writing to be public and published, even the most terrible and repugnant of materials. I give myself permission to ramble rubble and document useless asides and ugly thoughts underneath. I give myself permission to experiment ugly ochre umbra often (I need not fear the void and white space – I have enough paper and ink to spare. I always commit myself to a horror vacui, but I need not fear the page space / vacuum.)
The root of my soul receives sin. My sin is lack of permission – the permissive creative permeability that allows the flux and flow of all ideas and the ideas circulate toward this something new.
//
The root of the soul of Sabbatai Sevi submerges underneath (I see a skull floating on the face of the water and I say to it: for drowning others you were drowned and in the end those who were drowned you will be drowned)
Those who drowned I will be drowned My skull fuses with my skull scattered rather sphinx middle My skull skims texts textiles turtledove dedekind cut georgia Scald skull lightning field: lighting field ship fire file skull flare Skull file flare flamboyant field / lifeboat body I-beam reboot lifeboat
I see the root of my skull floating on the face of the waters and for drowning others, I drown. I drown in her desert ghosts and I drown in her ghostly desert. I see the root of my skull float in desert sky and screaming skulls surround my desert soul. My face drowns in her face my water desert dunes. My face drowns in the formless void and darkness and the spirit of god sweeps over the face of my waters. In the end those who drowned I will be drowned.
God, I hate that my brain has no chill, says Asia. It started thinking about selling cookies to my coworkers and now I’m daydreaming about owning a bakery. WHY CAN’T I EVER JUST DO SOMETHING SMALL, says Asia. That does sound like you, I say. You have a lot of great ideas and you want to go in on all of them. BUT I CAN’T. That’s true, you can’t, I say. You have finite time. You’re young. You will find the balance. There was a time I wanted to do mathematics, music, writing, and art, all at once. Then I got into nursing and I thought I could still do all that on the side. I streamlined my creative process. You will be able to streamline your creative process too, I say.
God husk root the soul of Sabbatai Sevi God has no chill and enters the husk (I daydream God and he has no chill. God seizes my brain and he fuses it with sphinx skull riddles. I daydream my skull as god and it hovers over waters; for drowning others you are drowned. I daydream in the end those who drowned you will be drowned and my skull chills in god waters.)
//
I never do something small but I create my own religion and language
I look at language peculiarities and grammar idiosyncrasies (my obsessive tendencies toward a mythic idioglossia and esoteric obscurantism). I indulge in experimental grammar to grasp an anarchic apophatic and language fully expressing negative theology (my idioglossic creative chaos stews tehom holy ghost).
I study experimental film and geology. I experiment a god geology gore free improvisation. I freely improvise strange space and space speculum that doesn’t shine. Though a glass darkly, god gore gave me more mist hours / radiohead witching hours. I narrate hour and hours: I myth gore and gore. I gore hour with hour and here the hours curve wild word (house hours whore of babylon and words babylon the great). I myth word manipulation and word repetition wild opera hall happenings (this happening in hell acts apostolic violence and messianic brutalities).
//
The root of the soul of Sabbatai Sevi entered one particular husk…
Religion haunts and inhabits my soul multiple husks (religion pause husk aporia your process / YH yield be able to streamline your creative process YH yield streamline your creative chaos)
Rhizome haunts hunt huntress husks Rhizome haunts bakery happenings (god has no chill and baked my skull) Rhizome haunt happenings: happenings rhizome fluxus and influxes rhizome surreal real hell (Hell influences. Hell influences and that does sound like you. Hell influences the religious flux and fluxus language, and I extend the language through my husk. I weave my husk of eccentric grammars and elliptical languages. Hell influences and I can’t process, but God thinks daydreams drowns me young.) Husks haunt in rhizomic flux
Hell influences rain influx root husk Husk haunts hell tusk happenings
I tusk all at once and now I’m daydreaming and now I’m daydreaming lined my creative process I’m daydreaming and you honestly husk
The root of the soul of Sabbatai Sevi entered one particular husk
Lust Languages
Lust languages Lust languages cave mouth most birds linger Lust languages
Lip lust languages cave mouth: lip land languages karst landscape scare birds but not bat echoes
Not a loud language but a bird language befuddles wings wine word flutter
//
Here, larger language and larger language lingers less length and more length. More length, deaths and crucifixions unfixed languages. My skull stagnates suicides. My skull skulls suicides languages and my skull stays away away haywain suicides (suicides on projector slides). I slide size suicides, a bifocal bifurcation (my bifurcated halves ferment field measures).
Skull stagnates stays away projector slides language projects
I slide size suicides bifocal bifurcation (my bifurcated halves ferment field measure I measure the edge field no edges)
Skull edge hedge helicopter decapitation
Here, larger language and larger language lingers length interior to lengths
//
Lust languages I do not fear flutter but lust languages Language fog flavors the body fire Flavor the body fire fire repetition and alternation and I move through the language Now awake I move through languages ocean ocean moment of symmetry / ocean tree spiral hyle Spiral hyle Wile E. coyote kinetic klaptrap khora
Lust languages skull hard edge hedge bird languages Lust languages beak human body karst and the landscape of language projects skull stars and halo halves
Longer Word Lingers
Longer word lingers Longer word wharf lingers middle sea stone ocean
Longer word lingers longer seaweed word spiral Seaweed spreads out and I spin the word cut concentric unravel Unravel the rocks from the ocean skipping longer
(This: rock medicine This: rock medicine talking tree singing water Rock medicine rock speech: talking tree water DNA text DNA texts textures texts DNA twins texts two serpents This: wind or process and the wind of the process The wind of the process speech rain part of the process mind processes rain processes prayer peninsula Wind processes rain processes prayer puzzle-paradox This: rock medicine broken radio Yahweh language)
Longer word lingers longer word lingers longer kelp forest / stones thrown into the future Unravel the forest (I unravel the forest. I unravel the forests stones from future rivers. I unravel myself through kelp and kelp stokes chasm and khora. Kelp caresses as it unravels and the chasm crashes klang carnival and unwound circus. I unravel circuit forests forest and I find forest futures and I second futures: river stones duplicate my body. My body drops downward into unraveling.) Unravel the forest: unravel funnel runnel cotton candy spirals Unravel comb jelly spiral jetty Comb jelly spiral jetty language just body bird songs (repetition and alternation of birdsong melody meander)
Longer word lingers and unravels forest bird song
Transcribe Translate
Transcribe translate human body mobile ben body birds: ben broad blossom flower florid melodies of warblers, thrushes, and larks
Transcribe translate human body transformer: transcribe translate scripture sugar cane Translation staggered bodies translate staggered bodies pyramid texts Transcribe pyramids human paths path spiral texts (I stagger texts through body rose garden) Stagger transcriptions J.S. Bach chorales clever orchestras
Writing staggers pyramid visions and visions in numbers transcribed. Writing transcribes pyramid visions and visions transform texts. Texts stagger visions beware arranged as pyramids projected through other solids. Writing staggers human bodies into pyramids, all of them god-in-textiles.
//
(I transcribe and translate her chaoses – Christina chaoses – Christina arrays I array array alpha and aleph / grazing field automatic mulch cadillacs Automobile speed liver bile desert gallstone / she’s a glutton for gallstones and she swallows shear whole gallstone gallops I gallop surf free jazz: I gallop free jazz gulf ultimate frisbee)
(Hell happens tophat serpents / serpents transcribe chaoses Hell happens magic Hippopotamus cosmic horror
Cosmic horror coyotes lick my carcass)
//
Translation transcribe human body mobile ben broad birds (I belong to something blonde whether blonde birds or blonde word or blonde beers. I belong utterly blonde and blonde utterances and I utter blonde magic. If I had not made magic my constant study could not have written a single word.) Translate transcribe blonde and absolute blonde and blonde gin and tonic Bring blonde bird translations
Transcribe translate human body mobile ben broad birds: ben broad blossom flower bodies
I transcribe or translate Asia conversations: I transcribe and translate our conversations (Sometimes it catches them by surprise, says Asia. I pulled my kids for their science mastery assessment on Thursday and I tried to tell them if they failed, it wouldn’t count against them and they just wanted to see what you did and didn’t get taught, which was nothing. But they still looked so defeated so I was like “OK, OK, I’ll tell you what, do you guys want me to go over somethings before you start?” They said yes. So I said “OK, only rule is don’t interrupt me” and then explained punnet squares and phenotypes and recessive and dominate genes quickly and drew some examples on the board then set them off and helped them when they got stuck. One girl was on a question about chromosomes and I was like “If you want to know which one guys have, just remember the question you always ask when you are around them,” and she looked at me confused. So I said, “Why?” and she nearly died. Very good audience, says Asia.) I transcribe or translate Asia conversations: I transcribe and translate our conversations and I converse blonde I converse blonde chromosomes why when Asia always catches me by surprise
By surprise ben broad blossom flower florid counterpoint By surprise ben blonde long gone (Days of temptation – nights of desire – and wild parties – in an exotic love colony Fleshpots Of Malibu) By surprise longer and linger transcription
I transcribe heresy (the root of the soul of Sabbatai Sevi entered one particular husk, which was none other than Jesus). I transcribe Saturn and Sabbath Sabbatai Sevi and I translate his heresy into my human body husks hidden in husks. I translate his heresy into my humanity her husks hidden within me. I reveal my roots heretic and erratic and alien. (After reading two or three paragraphs the hair of my flesh stood up… Nothing like this was ever seen or known from any heretic or disbelief ever of this world… The book is a work of heresy and sacrilege and it certain deserves to be burned.)
Transcribe translate human body: root husks root hosts root halogen lights Translate human body mobile ben blonde (my blonde then explained punnet squares and recessive and the board then explained punnet squares blonde) Transcribe human bodies rootless insists various transformers and thing still looked so defeated then explained punnet squares and I tried to know
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Transcribe and translate grief for Christina She writes root rootless the particular husk Jesus / Christina
I decided not to mourn Christina through these methods. The methods multiply counterproductive as torture techniques. I’ve lived these experiences and I live these experiences. I have written these experiences here and elsewhere (medicine it catches them by surprise walked my kids briefly mastery assessment on wrinkles). She does not die and she lives absent from Kindred but Bird Lives / Kindred Lives. Bird Lives / Kindred Lives and I write that perpetual death-and-resurrection.
Death sheet steles of seth said death (What death do I tune to true tune turn thorn mourning / mourning bell cell hell window sill solar anus speech stutter)
Train taut make somewhere here (But they still quakes so defeated so I was mad like I’ll tell you what)
I trace night train somewhere Ben lives transcribe ben blonde (She couldn’t love men – so she turned to women The Unfortunate Flesh A touching story of the third sex and forbidden love that dares not tell its name)
I am clumsy heavy I trace heavy steady state universe (What her nonsense / I can’t torch I can’t catch / I would like to decapitate people) I do not understand the catch then explained punnet squares and I was nothing
Transcribe and translate Bird Lives / Kindred Lives Living transcription transforms blonde scripture human heretics
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Transcribe translate longer and linger: word lingers word ward tower wharf Word lingers they read sin so I read only name is don’t interrupt no Longer word wharf middle sea stone punnet squares / square wave oceans
I Perform What I Write
I perform what I write and I perform the map of the writing I perform what I write written ritual and shamanic trance I perform what I write tunnels word wounds asymmetrical (you are you are)
I perform the Book a way out and a way in (The Book means THE JOY OF LANGUAGE – The Book means THE PLAY OF LANGUAGE – the Book means IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE WORD – The Book means LOGOS SHE LIGHTS THE LIGHTS – The Book means KRYSXTRYN + ASIA RHIZOME DIVINE LANGUAGE What it means meanders towards the meaning of prophecy: prophecy plays and pulses at the sight/site of meaning)
I perform what I write and I perform the map of writing This writing plays a god language languages
(The language of God is not English or Latin; the language is cellular and molecular) Terence McKenna assisted in re-conceptualizing my identity. He helped frame my roles as writer or prophet into writer AND prophet; I discovered into the descent of writer-artist-prophet-nurse-alchemist and I perform rhizomic god languages and woman languages. I perform the map of writing and god territory and female terrain. The language of gods garden human language – human-aware-as-animal language and animal chemical language. Human language supervenes on god language chemical paint pigments – language light assemblages – word alchemy animal bricolage.
I perform what I write as joy of language and play of language, and the circulating languaging participates in her names I perform her logos she lights the lights, and I prophesy KRYSXTRYN + Asia Rhizome divine language Prophecy means meander towards the meaning of performances: performance plays and pulses at the site of meaning Prophecy places and displaces meaning and reveals meaning as meaning (play of language prophesies joy of language and joy of language prophesies play of language) I prophesy Book perpendicular to Book playful body piano black keys I prophesy pantonal taryn towers into towers (Taryn sinks towers into lydian and mixolydian abyss) (add avalanche abyss)
I perform what I write and I write the Book
So me and my coteacher set up a book tasting to let the students pick what book they were going to read as a class, says Asia. The book options we gave them were The Outsiders, Hoot, and Tangerine. We didn’t give them the title or a cover – just a quick description and an excerpt from the book. Every class, almost unanimously, picked The Outsiders. We are very excited. Yessss, I say. The Outsiders. I read that in school. Me too, says Asia. I’m excited that the younger generation is curious about it, she says.
I perform what I write and I taste the Book I taste Book block word chord cool prophecy (taste inside inside side side sieve intermedia empty intensity cedar cider swing experiment) I perform map set up Book tasting and I pick up taste W.A.S.T.E. words I perform pick up taste and Book prophesies machines and maps (experiment sound insects unsound methods method acting acts of the apostles)
I perform what write written ritual and shamanic trance / I perform you are you are I perform you are you are Yahveh yearn what would caress other sports year I perform you you are Myth reports the information from the cellular memory banks myth reports repeats rhizomic cellular memory river banks (I taste myth and I pick up myth. I taste Book myth and outside Book, the student look what book they were going to read. I taste what book to read, and I read myself the body in outer darkness. I prophecy outsiders and outer darkness, and Book contains dark options. Book options means possibility and openness. I quickly describe the dark with the outside vocabulary of the Book.)
Myth reports the information from the cellular memory banks / my reports cells cell refrains repetitions choirs (Myth reports year yardstick strangulation – tune torque rope sharp mash – myth mash yard experiment lounge experiment)
Myth reports what Book tasting to let the Book tasting lure Outsiders
I perform and practice Book maps map hoots excerpt form them were going to read
//
I perform what I write hell Christina
Her hell happens marriage of heaven and hell. Hell happens when Christina fishes hatchets fishing line noise. Hell hikes up my skirt and strobes disco ball shipwrecks. Her hell happens as marriage of heaven and hell with whole bodies full of holes in caskets (caskets chirp crickets). Hell as hard boiled egg solidifies big yolk through the yard of blonde girls.
Her hell robs banks and holds hostages. Hell hugs hostages door hinges dog day afternoon (afternoon has an appetite for a frenzy and I fasten myself to a sun boiling aftermath). Her hell happens Yahveh of Hosts and the armies rearrange marriage arrays (pink machine matrices). Hell happens the Book tasting to let the book every class almost unanimously, and an unanimously hell plays pink. Pink pulses machine and plays machine: pink plays simultaneous pulses maximum and minimum sacred pink. Pink pulses ancient pink anarchic arrays and I arrange machines sardine and mackeral (I arrange very class book tasting and I arrange the pick unanimously). I arrange array alpha and omega.
I perform what I write hell Christina
//
I perform what I write and I perform the map of the writing I perform I write written ritual and shamanic trance
I am the very excerpt from the outsiders and I wash my language experiment longer (longer language sausage swing holy spirit spirit spark plug how has density proven)
Exploring I’m Thinking Of Ending Things
Content warning: suicidal ideation
It’s not filler it’s exploration It’s not repetition but the refrain displaced by time made strange
It’s not filler it’s exploration (The soft variety of soft playing that a single presentation invites Soft risk Soft risk kick quiet rhizome The next step is no sound) It’s not filler, it’s exploration / next no sound slow now slow silence Take a piece of paper and give it a sound
//
It’s not filler it’s exploration I explore mourning Christina although someday this mourning will end and perhaps soon door door soon
(I’m thinking of ending things). Once this thought arrives, it stays. It sticks, it lingers, it dominates. There’s not much I can do about that, trust me… Does Christina think about ending things – her life, our friendship, the Kindred… I think about ending my life. I think about life without Christina – certainly a lesser life than with Christina. I think and I overthink: I think about not ending things and I think about endings things and overthink. I overthink the oracles and the burdens: oracles and the burden of the valley of vision, oracle and burden of dumah, the oracle of everything desert (all desert an intensity of the body without organs). I overthink my organs. Desert corners my organs over: overture sand intensities. I’m thinking of endings things: an end to theses on history and an end to spectres of Marx. It sticks, it stays, I went to school and I was very nervous. It sticks stick insects impale my eyes on sticks strict bedrest. I overthink strict bridal chambers executions and suicides (bridal chamber stripped by her bachelors bare). I’m thinking of ending things.
I’m thinking of endings things and I never end. There is no end but addition. Where there is an end, there is no end but addition: additional deserts, addition bodies bodice bondage book beguiled. No end sends winds and there’s a balm in gilead. There is a balm in gilead grand guinol. There is no end to it, the voiceless wailing. I’m thinking of ending things. End enters text entrails or snail trails on titanium. I tune the titanium to army ant antennae.
In the beginning is my end. In the beginning is my end and my beginning is my end. I’m thinking of ending things. Once this thought arrives, it stays. It sticks steady-state universe her unction. Universe arrives jigsaw pieces. I piece together a perpetual motion machine. I piece together a perpetual universe perpendicular to perpetual universe.
I’m thinking of ending things. I think the theater of the absurd or the living theater. Theater thinks too, passion and mystery play. I end in mystery and I begin in mystery: it sticks, it lingers long light cadillac and ten-gallon hat. Hat lingers lavender gasoline and gasoline guzzles link to the past party pasta. Hostile hat attacks and decapitates. (I’m thinking of ending things. Once this thought arrives, it stays. It sticks, it lingers, it dominates. There’s not much I can do about it, trust me. It doesn’t go away. It’s there whether I like it or not. It’s there when I eat, when I go to bed. It’s there when I sleep. It’s always there when I wake up. It’s always there, always.) I’m thinking of ending things: suicides – side eye suicides – sharpened scorpion suicides – strange loop star sardine suicides – there ain’t no cure for the summer time blues. I’m thinking of ending things thread field fires right said fred I’m too sexy.
It’s not filler it’s exploration and I explore in my beginning is my end I explore never ending but adding as the way up and the way down draw and gesture the same direction
//
It’s not filer it’s exploration – it’s not repetition but refrain displaced by time made strange
I work most material mallard sound mustard seed stray maximum Mustard seed seed of seth sawtooth wave weapon: weapon whip material magic squared stochastic matrices
It’s not filler it’s exploration and I fill the materials with experiments. I fill experiment doubled with experiment: sound waterfalls. Sound material slips quiet sound and sound stranges longer sound, and I mixed the sound with waters. I work the material and material always surprises me: materials construct ambushes and scrollwork guerrilla warfare. I fill the materials and I take a piece of paper and give it sound.
Music emerges immersion bath material / bath ben adam drone material madrigal little black dress (Insect swarms stream lean sound languages light firefly fusion Nonlinear fusion flows flinging icon and fragment with word woman bewitched languages)
I work material exploration and insects scream material assemblages (rose thorn thorax threatened additional thorny material)
It’s not repetition but refrain displaced by time made strange
A Videotape Interests Because It Irritates
A videotape is interesting when it is an interesting videotape A cassette tape is interesting when it is an interesting cassette tape
Videotape in action acts videotape visions. Videotape in action descends in visions of the thrones and surroundings celestial hierarchies. I descend with videotapes circles of hermeneutics and my gaze interprets the analog distortion of god as Christina at the foot of the cross. Videotape in action captures human souls and I know a person in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven, and was caught up to paradise and heard things that are not to be told.
Videotape in action disappears in the architecture of vision. I listen to the song “Videotape” by Radiohead: When I’m at the pearly gates, this’ll be on my videotape, my videotape… Videotape in action disappears in the action of descent and I always descend. I always descend videotape hells and thrones and contact hell glory (the holiness of heaven is revealed in the glories of hell).
A videotape is interesting because it descends: I descend videotape and cassette tape and the tape spools long sound. Tape spools benjamin descending and revealing in the word spool. I revel in the word spool dead souls and your soul is mine.
A videotape interests because it descends and my descent too records any descent carved out archives and libraries in the earth’s mantle (This religion will never leave me – this terrible stalker or ghost in religion – yes, a religious hauntology – feels as persuasive as late capitalism. This religion – whatever I call this religion if I call my religion a religion – becomes increasingly prophetic and unnameable. I do not know this religion and I do not know this god or any god but the unknowable haunts – my religion formerly known as Christianity. I feel myself on the horizon both of Jacques Derrida’s religion without religion – and John D. Caputo’s weak theology – as well as the most absolute apophasis and self-kenosis.) Videotape increases in intensities and they flow downward my body also descending
It seems like I will be more involved with my church in the future in regards to sharing a creative spirituality, I say to Asia. I want to maintain an anarchic, flexible, non-rigorous conception of spirituality though. I straight up told my priest I don’t pray to any god, or whatever can be recognized as a Christian god. But I do feel I pray when I create. She appreciated that although she said she needed the structure of the Book of Common Prayer. I think as long as we are spiritually honest, it should be OK, I say. Anarchism doesn’t mean that you can’t participate in any systems, says Asia. It means that you want to shift the world away from hierarchical ways of thinking and behaving. We will always have systems, I think – it’s how humans are, says Asia. Yeah, that’s true, I say. I just mean, I don’t want to confine my own spiritual expression to something definite or solid. Fair enough, says Asia. Just don’t get comfortable. Keep searching and challenging yourself. If you do that, you will be fine, she says.
I pray to an unknown god (For as I went through the city and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I found among them an altar with the inscription ‘to an unknown god’…) I pray to an unknown god but I worship the woman around me and the woman with within me
A videotape is interesting because it is an interesting videotape I videotape don’t get comfortable I record keep searching and challenging yourself
(How do you avoid going down pathways you’ve been down before? Interview John Eyles of All About Jazz asks John Tilbury in a 2010 interview. Well, sometimes, I’m quite happy to do that, says John Tilbury. Then it is a question of why I am doing that. Is it because I know I shall have instant success? In Feldman’s words, I can knock the audience flat. Or is it for other reasons – because I don’t think I’ve exhausted that particular area. So, there are different reasons for doing something or avoiding something…)
I play the videotape as a text and I never exhaust the text – I never exhaust text and texts and any text as the text always remains infinitely interpretable (the text – any text – remains thick). I read the instruction manual for a VCR and I repeat and improvise on it infinitely like a jazz standard. I do not think I can exhaust a text or technique but my human mind has limitations and sometimes can no longer invent anew from it – or I bore of them – but that is a quality in me and not a quality of the text or technique. Nevertheless, I continue to challenge and search.
I play the videotape and cassette tape and then it becomes a question of why I am doing that (Just don’t get comfortable keep searching thunderbolt rooftops if you do that you will jukebox) I am doing that that I don’t pray to shift my future, in an an any systems Then it is a question that’s how humans are spiritually honest
Why to write why I write in the how helios marriage of heaven and hell (my continual refrains, mottos, choirs, dawn choruses) (I work through the writing and I haven’t exhausted the particular area and technique. I do not want to explore an area merely because I find familiar success with it. I recall Derek Bailey talking about a certain incompatibility with improvisers in order to make interest out of the familiar material and familiar memory – to make a pearl out of the sand irritating in the material, as Bailey says. I too want to find that useful irritation, that strange and unfamiliar material mixed with the recognized god face-to-face devours surely desert. The improvisation irritates body wilderness.)
A videotape interests because it irritates A cassette tape interests because it arouses and corrupts memorywork
The Long Melodic Line Contaminated By Noise
Content warning: depression, suicidal ideation
I desire the long melodic line contaminated by stochastic noise I meditate on the long melodic line anvil or aether atmospheres
Long melodic lines language music long melody made Music long melody made more malleable indeterminate and aleatoric made Made I make melody malleable indeterminate and aleatoric: not atomic but a pendulum (pendulum this is not the place double pendulum double pendulum desert locusts locus stochastic desert)
Long melodic lines larger language lawn language rare room (I share room with red body blooms. I make room for Red Book visions and my new Book diverts the river into Book doppelganger. Follow this new Book uncannily similar / different than the Ancient Book but both shout with swarming voices. I share in red vision bloom: Book flower red blood cells, Book roses monastic cells, Book sunflower cells in black iron prison. I share the room differently and identically: swarming melodies.) Larger language loots rare room red bloom cell rest sinew sensual sabbath
I desert the long melodic line contaminated by stochastic noise and Christina, it’s all over now baby blue Christina it’s all over now baby blue / linger on your pal blue eyes (I pluck my eye out of the electrical socket and it becomes a peacock feather. I pluck the feathers from the plume and full bloom of my body and I have a little night music with my coffee. How difficult to survive without Christina and not just Christina but I nurse with difficulty and my patient sleeps terribly. I nurse night music desert derelicts and abomination of desolation. I nurse a little night music lingers into larger and longer melody, and my music prays to no god but the Christina who abandons. I have a little night music with my coffee and I know the night Dmitri Shostakovich’s 15th String Quartet. I know night negligee night jar my body ajar). I desire the long melodic line winding desolation and desert, and desert dissipate aether anvil atmospheres
Language music long melody mows mer absurd harbors: ampersand and what makes woman ampersand Ampersand wears suspenders and a tracksuit Ampersand dress skirt top dress dress dress You said if dance said if you want to dance, both with the withdrawal and return, and I return booze blues I bass drum BOMB pentecostal preaching hovers between speaking and singing Ampersand and what new shoes my shoes new
The weirdest thing about teaching middle school is sometimes you witness something and you think, ‘Is this a canon moment?’ says Asia. Like the other day, the student who wears Hello Kitty pajama pants, girl perfume, and everyone thinks he’s a girl, he looked at me and asked, “How do you spell dysmorphia? Like body dysmorphia?” says Asia. Your student is ready to crack their egg, I say. If I wasn’t such a coward, I would probably be wearing dresses and skirts and makeup a lot more often. Society and family pressures make it difficult and give me more anxiety though, I say. Do you think you would rather be a woman? says Asia. No, I feel I would like to be more androgynous and fluid in my gender presentation, I say. I think I still identify as a cis-man but I also feel even in a spiritual or divine sense, the commingling of male and female archetypes within me. Like the divine feminine stirring of my soul and stuff and I wish I had the ability to feel that more outwardly as well. Does that make sense? I think you won't be too surprised by that considering how I write about women in my Book. Yeah, that makes sense, says Asia. Maybe I just want to be 1970s David Bowie. Oh my god, same, says Asia.
Ampersand or divine sense and ampersand the commingling of male anxiety and stupefying and well in my gender presentation Ampersand dress skirt top dress dress and I think my gender presses I thin my gender female androgynous and I dress ballroom dance Between speaking and singing the commingling male and female archetypes
I desire the long melodic line contaminated by stochastic noise I stretch for sleek sleek snow sheets of sound (I enjoy the experiment, working on the material. I gradually shape the material into the flat machine canvas, and from the bloom of canvas, my little black dress. Sometimes I alter the intervals slightly, and sometimes I alter the canvas slightly, tailoring my body dressed melodies.)
I meditate and machine an altered Book engineered a gas station
I work both the long line and the fractal fragment I work the long line nonlinear and the fractal fragment simultaneously I work lines tangle lines half loops and whorls whip simultaneously
//
I machine the melodic line contaminated by stochastic noise and noise embarrassingly nude. I machine the painful melodic line, and in the melody of Christina’s absence (my Christina monomania my Christina idée fixe), I suffer/ed and experience/ed severe depression and suicidal ideation. Now I look at all this writing Past Ben wrote in his anguish and I continue to honor the anguish despite the pitfalls of writing suicidal depression (how inadequate the language is, how contagious the seed of suicide, misrepresenting even my own feelings). I continue to honor and bless this hell and even love it, because it belongs to me.
(I’m killing myself because you didn’t love me, because I didn’t love you. Because our ties were loose, so I’m killing myself to tighten them. I leave you with an indelible stain.) When in doubt, write about wanting to die. I hope that I die so some people might listen to the songs I write or wrote. I hope I end my life and all this suicidal ideation doesn’t end up as cowardly whining [Spoiler alert from future Ben: it does end up as cowardly whining and I embarrass myself but I accept my cowardly and embarrassment. I love myself in that outwardly as a cowardly wellidentify welldent. I love the commingling dresses androgynous and skirts my cowardly welldent.]. Feeling empty, with some atrocious moments – to leave without having touched anything.
Whatever happened to the dream differed. I drink heavily and I dance irrationally. To dance before the Ark of the Covenant boldly nude. To make a potent pornography of the Day of Atonement in the Holy of Holies.
I drink heavily house of leaves leaves of grass gas napalm sassafras / sodium saffron I sleep a long time in the saffron and Himalayan salt I salt the sippy cup spiral staircase (Book body without organs / they look like people Tall telescopes waddle on six insect legs A little night music for your coffee)
I machine the melodic line contaminated by stochastic noise I machine the commingling of male anxiety androgynous and family presses and female
//
I work mixed mirror metal experimental mass I work mirror indeterminate intermedia mass mirror glass (Sometimes I alter the interward is slightly Sometimes I alter the interwall slightly sometimes I alter the Book slightly body of hosts)
I desire the long melodic line contaminated by stochastic noise I meditate on the long melodic line anvil or aether atmospheres
Therefore My Purpose Is To Remove Purpose
Therefore my purpose is to remove purpose
I play the purpose without purpose but not exactly without but empty My purpose opens hide empty space space purpose (purpose void only vellum)
My purpose is to remove purpose and I hallucinate plane punctured by empty plane. I hallucinate purpose open plane – plane points polka dots pointillist – plane hallucinated, you see. I hallucinate purpose plane pink beam empty. I prophesy empty. I prophesy empty purpose and I hallucinate pink plane crowded by permutations of the cross. I hallucinate something open, this indistinguishable purpose of pointing towards this apophatic polka dot something, and it suddenly opens empty.
Therefore my purpose is to remove purpose and purpose empty continues to play I collect play open empty play (I collect material matrix marked teeth and bone. I collect gospel of mark beetles and beetles crawl my body ringing bells. Beetles bare wings bodies ringing and swinging church bells. Their wings reveal my body mechanical. I work my body mechanics mast cell saw sit babysitters / when a stranger calls.) I collect texts and I suddenly recognize texts not only as something to be participated in, digested, and rewritten, but texts also contaminate, disrupt, and surprise into the body-text
Experimentation means to expose and recognize the contagion within other texts Experiment cuts open and exposes the organs always previously present but never before seen – organs subterranean, organs cave magics, organs forgotten catacombs, organs stratified geologies
I work on the material static film eye etch bobblehead embolism
My purpose is to remove purpose and I experiment I experiment Christina cuts open (Christina opens a giant aardvark wound or a giant land sloth lousy pair of slack pants / hot pants peek pink out of the corner comic ghosts Christina only appears as comic ghosts and mischievous ghosts)
Therefore my purpose is to remove purpose Therefore I want the long slender line nonlinear but cuts cups cusp cool jazz counterpoint
I collect and work the materials and the only works of art America has given are her plumbing and bridges I build bridges I babel bridges I bricoleur bridges basketweaving human bodies I body build muscular bridges a man walks into a bar and says ow I build bridges vampire bats in top hats and burying their heads in topsoil ostrich tunings
I collect and work the materials matrix marked teeth and bone. I converse with the materials themselves body, human bodies, and bridges. I build bridges without purpose, and the bridge supports and suspends regardless. Materials speak teeth bile into my body and open texts. Teeth tear into my bodies frankenstein experiments. I work without purpose and the lightning strikes me regardless.
Therefore my purpose is to remove purpose
What do you think is the meaning of life? I ask Asia. 42, she says. The purpose we have created for ourselves is to find or create meaning. What meaning have you created for yourself? I say. I’m not sure, says Asia. Making the world a kinder place, I guess. Trying to anyway, she says.
Therefore my purpose is to remember purpose Purpose so have created to find or create meaning To remove purpose: ourselves is to find or created for ourselves Here is Here is to find or create I create her meaning remove purpose Therefore I’m not sure making the world a kinder place The world kinder I guess Trying to anyway anywaysyring Trying to anywaysyring to anyway making the world kinder I guess Therefore my purpose is to remove purpose trying to make the world kinder anyway Therefore my purpose is to remember purpose
She hymnody we have sweeter for ourselves is to find or pledge meaning. I’m not sure. Making she world kinder I joint trying to emeried.
The purpose we have created for ourselves is to hash it create meaning. I’m not sure. Haney the world kinder I guess breaks to unideal.
Therefore my purpose is to remove purpose Therefore I desire the long melodic line contaminated by stochastic noise / anvil at aether atmospheres (I look at the melodic line and I string the sound back and forth across the sky to build suspension bridges. I build bridges and I drop the plumb line copper pipes. I plumb plucked canvas feathers and I pluck plastic microplastic micropolyphony. I plumb pack rat counterpoint which sounds simultaneous rat king and King Felix micropolyphony. I flex my muscles holding suspension bridges, a sigil of King Felix. I plumb panic attack attacca during this Shostakovich string quartet. I stretch this string quartet on the loom and I rearrange the threaded melodies: I weave retrograde and inversions of the twelve-tone row.)
Therefore my purpose is to remove purpose (The purpose we have created for outyelled is to hush on wheeze meaning. I’m not sure I’m making the hands kinder. I guess I’m trying to unshout)