Explanations come to an end somewhere
Explanations come to an end somewhere
Explanations come to an end somewhere and explode drop drift (drift sift slow sweep copper) Explanation drift explosions / implosions gross body dismemberment
Explain missile silo grain silo sackcloth claw hammer halo halo halo
Explain holy holy holy hiss huntress hodgepodge hot wild hunt
Explanations come to an end somewhere Somewhere and Book explains nothing
(Pick up the Book left of the labyrinth and part of the labyrinth but Book explains nothing. Book cannot define its own platonic – arithmetic – pragmatic – truth but nothing exceeds the Book. Explanations come to an end somewhere. Pick up the Book – Taryn tigers leap out of this binding and Taryn devours the Boat Book and Book shipwreck. He stripes camouflage her in the water jungle. Pick up the Book and its ocean jungle follows it. Explanations come to an end somewhere.)
Explain the Book somewhere – anywhere – somewhere wears anywhere end and no ending I break up sounds round shard hard rock rough shuffle
Shuffle shutter huddle huddle hoarder hard-boiled
Shuffle sword hilt haunted house horses
I break up the sounds break through breaker wave language (try to run try to hide break on through to the other side)
[I draw a couple cards from Oblique Strategies: Honor thy error as hidden intention – and – Be dirty]. Plant some plants! says Asia. I don’t understand what you meant by plant some plants, I say. It said be dirty, says Asia. I didn’t make that connection, I say. That makes sense… Maybe I have a brain tumor inhibiting my ability to make connections. No, says Asia. I think you are just looking for more metaphorical explanations. Like you probably thought “dirty” and thought it meant something along the lines of being more spontaneous and not censoring yourself so much and I was like “physically touch dirt,” says Asia. Yeah, I thought of it like adding more noise and mess to the process. I don’t garden, so maybe that’s why I didn’t get it either. Do you think I tend to think in more associative metaphorical ways than literal ways? Yes, says Asia. I think you are someone who lives with their head in the sky and that’s OK. No one person has a complete picture. Everyone misses things and most of the time they don’t know what they missed. It’s why we need each other, says Asia.
Explanations come to an end somewhere Explanations come to an end and to end endless Explanations come to experiments / be dirty Explanations experiment and I excite explanations endless experiments
Explanations come to and as to somewhere
Explanations come cusp creeps experiments (I experiment explanations)
Experiment excess endless excess knowledge
Explanations error of noise ways all of being and the hidden more miss literal time intention
//
Explanations come to an end somewhere and I cannot explain this melancholy, anxiety, and depersonalization. I feel its existence and endless and somewhere but not its explanation.
Explain: be spontaneous to ways
I and dirty
Nor or the think I most I not process – you of – you yourself garden someone time
Anxiety anguish sympathetic nervous system (systems of linear equations systems chaos alto saxophone multiphonics) I experiment anxious but be dirty: break up the sounds to the other side My melancholy any side sitra achra anxious anarchy
I empty anxious explanations: I explain empty you touch it sky why probably dirt either (we’re all gonna be just dirt in the ground)
Anxious I circulate breathe body bad whirlwinds. Anxious I eat wheel axles – YH of Armies YH of Hosts. Anxious I age in air aether always zero atmosphere (I can never explain this atmosphere but it hordes endlings and various plantings. Anxious I dig up the roots of Pardes. Anxieties atom smasher zero atmospheres anxious in my apartment. I hammer atoms anxious in my apartment complexes / complex numbers rotate the mystery of the unreasonable effectiveness of mathematics.)
I speak anxious against with hurry (I hurry faerie dust laundry detergent addict attic and dust hurry)
I hurry no one who livid with the line of it meant something
Anxious you thing for more spontaneous or not censoring for more
Apartment explanation something for more associative
Hurry elephant sinkholes wholly anxious. I hurry aura alluvial runoff anxieties. I hurry amen and amen enter axle wheels. I wheel apple anxious pomegranates wheel orchards (I behold anxiety dissipates disappearance orchards),
Orchard axial aloof / anxious abyss arouses abyss anxiety Anxious, abyss arouses at abyss at
Be dirty and why that’s we meet
Each other spontaneous or not associate metaphorical ways
I didn’t garden
Anxious, I explicate explanations come to an end somewhere but I still don’t garden
//
Explanations come to and an to somewhere Experience excess endless excess endless / endless emanations (I emanates demiurge desert distance – endless emanations, experiments, and metric spaces)
Here is my pepper plant struggling to support peppers, says Asia. What kind of peppers do you have in your garden? I say. Poblano peppers in the front, bell peppers in the backyard, says Asia.
Meet my new children: a blueberry bush, a fig, and an elephant ear.
Experiments never end but explanation be dirty No one who lives with the probably touch and I was like you think I things all the lines of it meant something all the sky
Experiments come to an end somewhere / where this experiment exceeds somewhere elsewhere
Explanations escape explanations excesses the demiurge explanations
Emanations / explanations come to an end somewhere
Explanations Come To An End Somewhere, Part 1
Explanations come to an end somewhere Explanations come to an end and to end endless Explanations come experiments: explanations come to end endless experiments
Explanations come to an end somewhere and I cannot explain Kindred or Pando. I cannot explain my radically material body still apophatic and endlessly apophatic, and the Book explains nothing. Book only explains the Book which is also nothing, and the nothingness fills the body with explanations come to an end somewhere. Explanations end elsewhere and I wear myself out decomposing objects. I configure my unexplainable body into flat squares, trapezoidal and rectangular planes that overlap and interleave / interweave, and I paint my body at the end of explanation.
A creator only needs one enthusiast to justify her (Asia justifies me – Christina justifies me – Ann Marie justifies me)
Christina justifies me and she presses the word from which I roll
Christina persists ghost word or word a secret river softlings (river softenings)
Christina Christina press word scythe pink
Christina press ice pink pink iceberg (frost bite parts my hair pink)
Christina justifies my creation and Christian presses the word from which I roll ragtime mixolydian (mixolydian nitroglycerin ignites a night music)
Mixolydian nitroglycerin night ignite myth fork locusts
Mixolydian nitroglycerin remixes raw fires multiple ignitions
Explanations come to an end somewhere Explanations end endless city (farewell note to this city) Explanations empty explanations excitations (I excite explanation / excitation explanations come to an end somewhere)
Explanations come to a and and an to somewhere Explanations come cusp crisp experiment (I experiment endless explanations)
Explanations come to an end somewhere
I Float Above My I In The City
Content warning: mentions of suicide and depersonalization/dissociation
In the city, time becomes visible This is where visible time becomes space: this is where visible time insists visible space
Slim time terror hammer matter
Slim time tremor hammer hangman and NBA Jam hangtime
Slip different times visible in the hanging
In the city, time becomes visible: this is where time becomes space. I spin space on my spindle spin various mathematical singularities. I spin space memorable singularities and it singles this is where time becomes space. This is where time becomes space: the speculum that doesn’t shine. Space mirrors infinite space visible time (time tumbles through singular time sharp bark through spaces). In the city, time becomes space, the varying wavelengths of light (light lurches left lift lift left lurch light church lightning). Light lurches church’s holy space, the unscrolling often light (a little bit of light splits the city into water and atomic waters and radioactive waters and waters islands of stability). Time becomes visible text.
//
In the city, time becomes space: this is where times become spaces
In the city, my voice disappears deterritorialization In the city the voice my voice deterritorializes The voice my voice disappears city delirium
In the city, anarchic ayahuasca anarchic cryptography
Codes and ciphers divine names
My name disappears in her divine names
(The so-called psychosis… The person in whom its invisible agony reaches
a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person
will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise…)
I never jump but I understand the jump – Christina understands the jump too. I never jump but I never but never / I never jump but I understand the jump because I jump and survive. I survive jump apocalypse apocalyptic material message. I survive but I disappear in the city. I disappear strange city and I do not exist and the jump does not exist (The city does not exist except in the residue of an abandoned human body / haunted house hungry). I disappear strange inside always house interior radically interior city disappearances.
In the city, time becomes space, and the interior room / space swallows my body entirely. Desert disappearances awkward jump.
(I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend you could cut ties with
all the lies that you’ve been living in and if you do not want to
see me again I would understand...)
My life exists entirely in quotations in the queue of the city – in other texts and texts-space-rooms and never my own textuality
(But that you see, my dear Kermit, would be altogether impossible. I could
never be myself… You see there is no me, I do not exist…
There used to be a me, but I had it surgically removed)
Perhaps I never existed. I disappear from times and spaces and cities. I do not knot of previous existed and now have becomes nonexistent or if I have never existed. I do not exist in this time-space and space-city
(And if he left off dreaming about you, where would you suppose you’d be?)
(With relief, with humiliation, with terror he understood that he too was a mere
appearance, dreamt by another)
Freely, that you’re seeing your thoughts, feelings, or body or parts of your body from the outside For example, you may feel like you’re floating in the air above yourself
The sense that your body, legs, or arms, appear twisted or like they’re not the same shape
A sense that your memories lack emotions, and they may or may not be your own memories
In the city, time becomes space but the space swallows my body outside of time My body exists outside of time and outside of history / memory (I do not exist / Christina leaves off dreaming of me)
//
In the city, time becomes visible: this is where time becomes space
In the city, I feel like a citizen in this parking lot county fair
I feel in time drifts to greyhound and come back as space-time put it all in one body
City city
City gate for the dead / dead drift sift slow sweep copper
City gate is open solar flare sidewinder book of sand
City of the mutinies solar flare missile silo
(Missile silo grain silo sackcloth clawhammer halo)
In the city, time becomes my absent consciousness and conscious city seeps into my skull haunted
In The City, Premonitions of Death
Content Warning: discussion of mental illness, suicide, and suicidal ideation
In the city, simultaneous time: city simultaneous bodies (My city-body experiments death and death and dis/continuous death – my death and city death My death dissociates simultaneous with the city) In the city, simultaneous time and the city becomes in time synchronized stresses (city stresses dead city sung psalms)
Simultaneous in the city simultaneous City stresses simultaneous dead city suns psalms / unstressed psalm palm tree garden Psalm city city-body gardens dead: this is where time becomes space and this is where time insists space
City city
City gate for the dead perpendicular out of horror
City gate is open sesame sons of seth
City of the mutilated
Simultaneous city stresses dead and stresses sheol / serpentine labyrinth
City of my unconsciousness doesn’t belong amid among write down written
Write down written against again begin behind beyond behind begin
Begin begin again aged against begin to write begin
Begin to write begin to write rope writing rope
Wire write quote wrote word wore begin to write rope writing
Palm Tree Garden stresses this is where time becomes space: this is where time insists city space
City quote wrote word wore big skirts and dresses
City circle circles conclave
Concave and the banshees of his abandoned city
In the city time becomes visible – visible time and visible space
Conscious city clue cow cunt cunt crib fun cent chit cunt cube
Cube cube cunt cunt city and city and city body horror
City body horror one cool element intone tuner tube turn back to
work on what I am where you want out of horror movies
You want of you to Galilee with you is a beautiful girl in your practice and
I think it would probably be a friend can I talk to me is expressed by my love
In the city, simultaneous time: time decay body and time disintegrate body and that erode not-my-body but non-existent dead
//
(It is difficult to overstate the significance of the house)
I know my body house: I know my body houses “To know” – to recall house and recollect house and identify house and the house grows into the unusual city (horrific city – to know city horrifying) I know my body decayed house and welcome to the dead house I know my bodies grind house and gore grind city, and the city always sees in the surreal City sums surreal and secretes surreal
(And if we were to dissect the house, we would find ourselves a stomach, a throat, spine and eyes and eyes teeth and eyes sin and dreams and memories and a mouth to bite down) I always have more to say and my mouth chatters a larger mouth. My mouth dissects the house – an autodissection of my own body – and my body reveals furniture and fire places and staircases My mouth bites down on the larger mouth, my horse anatomy and my cave anatomy and I scrape the staircase cave walls for blind amphibians and albino fish My house anatomy hides in my house body without organs, my bodies between the horror of horse homunculi
I bite my lips / hyenas and cheetahs leap out of the blood I bite house holy holy holy my body decays waste land mars lander moon landing
(When a house is both hungry and awake, every room becomes a mouth) House decays / body horror decays House devours decays / body house devours decay House devours my decay, my disintegration anatomy re/written by Kitty Horrorshow
Every house is haunted and every body is haunted I explore a suburban house, collect cassette tapes, study the physiology of domestic architecture
Houses. I live in this house. I belong to this house. My decays calls house suicide hotlines and I die multitudes. My deaths are quotations of other deaths: compact deaths intertextual deaths, remixed deaths (someone buried alive and suffocating to death, very far awake on the other side of the television screen).
My life entirely exists in television and decays in television – my life exists only television sustained screen pink beams. I think I’m dead. Or I’m already dead. I’m already dead. I only exist in the television. I think I’m dead. I do not exist. Something exists but it’s not me. It’s dead. It’s missing missing dead. Something exists but not me or I only exist in the Mouth House and House Hungry. My house devours my house and my body devours body, a subtle and last supper suicides.
Hey Christina? What do you do when you’re suicidal? Like how do you deal with the feelings? I notice them and give them their due, says C. It’s not easy to want to be alive, so I want to honor the feelings. At the same time, I remind myself that feelings are important but they’re just responses (not the real thing), she says. Oh, I say. Is it bad to take your own life? Like if Ben took his own life today, is it bad? In a broad sense, says C, it removes a Ben-shaped spot in humanity. Humanity will go on but it will notice the absence. To your friends and family, it will suck pretty bad. But I won’t judge you. I would just mourn you. It will suck pretty bad for you? I say. Of course! I don’t have many friends you know. You keep me tethered to humanity a lot of time. But that’s just selfish thinking on my part, she says. […] I figure the intrusive thoughts are bipolar stuff, because it’s really suicidal thoughts, I say. Like go crash your car, go kill yourself, you might as well kill yourself, at random intervals. That sounds shitty, says C. For me, it’s more like “How nice would it be if I didn’t have to do any of this again?” That’s somewhat better, I say. That’s more passive aggressive. Maria Bamford has a joke about learning suicidal ideation was one of her husband’s and her favorite pastimes separately, says C. They finally said it aloud during COVID, she says. Have you seen Louie CK’s stand up on suicide? I say. “I like life. I don’t need it. I would be fine without it… Do you know how much I like life? I have never killed myself. That’s how much I like it with a razor thin margin... It’s an option though… The whole world is made of people who didn’t kill themselves today. That’s who’s here.” Yeah, I like most of Louie CK’s takes on how much he values life, says Christina. The show was really good about illustrating it. I was thinking about Virginia Woolf today, I say, and how she wrote my favorite suicide note. It’s fantastic. Brings me to tears in the right mood… I’ve been thinking about suicide today. Not suicidal ideation. But the act itself. I feel Virginia Woolf, I guess. Someday I will reach a point where “I fought against it but I can’t any longer.” I would be there’s a point I give up fighting to survive. So I’m just thinking about that point in the future, I say. I think about it a lot, says Christina. I think maybe similarly. Kindred, I say. That’s why I asked you today. I knew you understood. I feel OK about it though, says C. It’s much better than when I used to be afraid of death or Jesus coming back. Yes, Kindred, she says. Kindred understands in a way that Pando doesn’t, I say. That doesn’t mean Asia is less sympathetic or less for me or hasn’t gone through traumatic events, etc. You just understand in a way where if I died, you’d understand in a way Asia would not…
I have a poem that relates to this. From “Wanting To Die” by Anne Sexton:
But suicides have a special language
Like carpenter’s they want to know which tools.
They never ask why build.
Asia would ask why build. You would not. Absolutely, says Christina. I have trouble understanding people who don’t at least think about the tools. I feel drawn to understand the line, she says. Some more favorite Louis CK quotes, I say. “Life can be very difficult, very sad, very upsetting. But you don’t have to do it. You really don’t have to. You don’t have to do anything because you can kill yourself. You can do that once… Running away won't solve your problems, that’s true. But killing yourself solves all your problems. It even solves world problems, for you.”
I’m still here. I choose not to kill myself today, I say.
I don’t. I don’t exist – not here not anywhere. I don’t but the repetition of death and non-existence: repeated wheres and repeated whens and when serves death and nonexistence (not time not body repeated patterns hazards not time not body but be-shaped ben hinnom). Time out of mind time out of joint jags non-existence. My bodies do not exist – no self – but carpenters and tools. Chaos and chemical chaos non-existence but carpools. I do not I do not choose chaos. I do not my it’s not no close door.
I’m not real unreal and I’m not sure my vocalization, and I don’t vocalize the vowels but my voice disappears I disappeared / deterritorialization The – my – mine – voice disappears deterritorialization the voice my voice The voice my voice disappears delirium
I don’t I don’t
//
In the city, simultaneous time: city simultaneous The city becomes in time: this is where time becomes space and this is where time insists time
City again quote cube out city
City begin
City cunt of gate behind quote you for beyond
City wrote city to the behind word and Galilee dead
Begin wore city with perpendicular begun begin and you out again
In the city, simultaneous time
City is of ages and body a horror against dressers horror beautiful
City again
City one girl gate begin circle cool in is two circle elements you open write conclave
in practice sesame begin concave tune and sons to and tune I of write the tube
think Seth rope banshees turn it
City writing of back would of rope his to probably the wire abandoned work be
mutilated write eyes
Conscious on a
City quote city what friend of wrote clue I can my word cow at I consciousness
Horror Lines
Horror rough slough pulp snuff
Horror rough harasses harsh sharp
Horror ribbon rubble hum hammer
(Horror hacks bone humor
Horror rubble umbilical ruins
Horror human remains remain rough)
Horror refine reline radical cut
Horror reopens pen pin saw open
My Body Is A Haunted House
In the city – I’m always in the city and I do not escape the city in the mouth of madness
In the city – my city-body drives city grids with the occasional roundabout and toll bridge. I cannot escape the city. City never ends and I never end. My city-body extends unilateral larger than the divine body in the Sh’ir Qomah. My body extends my body impossible object and impossible city (my body doesn’t exist – there is no Ben to return to).
I feel like a citizen – it’s time to go and come back as a drifter
I feel like a citizen in this parking lot county fair it’s time to greyhound my comeback as a drifter put it all in one bag
I put it all in one bag, which is the Book. I drift to and from the languages / volumes of the Book. I drift Book dialogic and Book heteroglossia. I drift into the heterotopia Sheol and its grave glosses glossolalia and city marginalia. I feel like a citizen of the Book but I’m really a nomad – I’m Shekinah in exile – I’m lost soul-syzygy Sophia who does recognize its pearl of great price. One Book is all books – one city is all cities (I do not exist here or there in the city, but everywhere imaginary).
Drift sift slow sleep copper saucer citizen Drift sift rift slow soft machine (endless machines ooze motor oil alley oop olive oop olive oil automatic transmission) Transmission drift: transmit drift life raft Creepshow 2 Transmit meteor transmission / iron radios Transmit no transition / no transition but transmission (I transmit anything but here and anything other than this ben body)
//
Horror exists all horror only horror exist. Only the horror exists. Only the horrific exists (my own grotesque body and my own grotesque face and my face floats not my own). My face floats disconnected above the gargoyles.
Only horror exists. Everything exists speaks horror horror sequenza hauntology (The haunted house spreads with the haunted city. My city-body spreads black plague death). Only horror exists and it infects my non-existent body and my body not my own.
Now only death. Now not only death but my own death (beneath the layers, city: beneath the layers, magical symbols wild appear invisibility / indivisible edges of our fogged death consciousness.) Death contains all horror contradictions and horror contains all death inconsistencies and I record every instant of my death: death in the definitive mess of death (death designed undecidable: death dream design unanswered death).
(Death dreams my body unannounced and apophatic)
All my magick and prophecy plays death pliers death death tickles (clumsy chasing clumsy impulse witch tickles witch tickles tickle impulse broke witch tickles clumsy tickle death) All my magick and prophecy plays death: death witch tickles and Christina steals my organs absolutely death and totally death and I disappear with and without death I disappear into witch wick burn word I live imaginary death and non-existent death the end of my world
(Any world – my word world forced into the imaginary space of world
and any leaves room for the trace of my grotesque body. Any words like
burned world and I will go out be near. Reaching through the world of the gore
with land exists if only live in my death specters and hauntological structure
of death and part death partials.)
(The haunted house spreads red the haunted city)
(It is difficult to overestimate the significance of the house)
My grotesque body traces my grotesque body haunted. Haunted, my body emptied into surreal death (Isn’t death always surreal? Hauntological impossible. The volume of the city exceeding its surface area. I think your name is magical. A Christian name and a Christina name). I dissect the house and find a human cadaver – my cadaver and my death staring into my own death not real. Organs of the house map into the organs of the human body (body to body job to job).
(Audio indecipherable / death indecipherable. Benjamin-toward-death and Benjamin-towards-nonexistence. I never existed except in this haunted house/body/city)
And if we were to dissect the house, we would find ourselves a stomach, throat, spine and eyes and eyes teeth and eyes sinew and dreams and memories and a mouth that will bite down
I have been thinking about silence in my writing, I say. I want to leave more space on the page, a contemplative space to let the words breathe. I’m having a hard time leaving my dense paragraphs, I say. Take them and move them somewhere else, says Asia. Two pieces of writing. Chopped meat. Less words and more empty space, she says.
And if we were to dissect the house
We would find ourselves
And if we were to dissect the house
A stomach a throat a spine
And if we were to dissect the house
Yes teeth eyes sinew
Dreams memories
A mouth that will bite
And if to dissect the house
And if it find a house to ourselves dissect to ourselves house and I find ourselves stomach, throat, spine, and my eyes
And I find myself dreams and memories in my mouth and bite down I bite down I bite down space
I bite down anatomy anatomy archaeology hidden body without body homunculus
(House haunts homunculus
Homunculus haunts house
Yourself horse stomach threat teeth bite down)
I bite down anatomy archaeology I bite up hyenas and cheetahs leap out human blood
Green lion Peacock Shell Shock
I bite down body without organs: ben benzene strata and ouroboros geology
Take them and move them somewhere else Two pieces of writing
(geologies bury body skeleton silica
psychosis psychopirate skeleton
derelict silica)
Two pieces my body nonexistent
my body disappears
(When a house is both hungry and awake, every room becomes a mouth)
House devour/s. Anatomy by Kitty Horrorshow. Every house is haunted. Explore a suburban house. Collect cassette tapes, study the physiology of domestic architecture. Houses. I live in this house and I belong to this house. House suicide hotline… My deaths are quotations of other deaths: compact deaths, contextualize deaths, remixed deaths (someone buried alive and suffocated to death, very far away on the other side of the television screen).
My life is entirely television My life exists only television sustain. (I think I’m dying. Or I’m already dead. I’m already dead. I only exist in the television. I think I’m dead. I do not exist something exists but it’s not me. It’s dead. It’s missing missing dead. Something exists. Something exists but not me. Anything exists but me...)
I Do Not Exist In This City
In the city, simultaneous time: city simultaneous sequence sequence city door
In the city, simultaneous time: time integration and time disintegration time presence and time absence time immediate and time apocalyptic
In the city-body and city-book, simultaneous times (times time halftime valley halves apocalyptic) Body – this Ben-Body and Ben-City disembodied – travels simultaneous times, the times hauntological and future-past I see the time-body sequences and sequenzas (membrane time-body stretched diaphanous)
Time swallows cities and human bodies, and when time digests and processes city-bodies, the Child of Humanity emerges. The mischievous Christ Child of Infancy Gospel of Thomas emerges, and the Child Sophia from PKD’s VALIS emerges. Time floods with with further time and further time. I disappear in time and this time, or at least some virtuoso sequenza Benjamin disappears anywhere. City time chimes body cellar door (get the money dollar dollar bills ya’ll). I dissipate into the holy spirit smog of ben nonexistent time.
//
I see my body from the other side – other side sideways no way but dissimulation. I see my body other sideways fireworks (my imaginary body catches or fires sideways fireworks. I exist nowhere except in these flashes).
I exist nowhere except in these flashes (flash passive passages passages repetitions my nonexistence). My nonexistence scrapes monochromatic paintings and sandy suprematism: black square – black cross – white on white. I keep in the queer silence in I can’t help but I keep the silence and any ben disappears into some imaginary, some fantasy. I keep quiet (quiet – queer quiet – I go to hell). I keep quiet and I go to hell, but I do not exist. I don’t exist illuminations from beyond – lightnings from the amplifier any incarnations and transfigurations. I disappear time dispels desert diaspora.
I do not exist just disappearance. Missing persons. Milk carton kids. Always ending always quotation. I disappear always ending always quotation (always another). I do not exist / I exist in the red room and the black lodge (none of this exists – this is all television). I drop distraught dreadnought – my house does not exist and my body does not exist. None of this is real. I disappear into anything.
(Time wasn’t right. It was moving too fast. And then I was 19. And then I was 20. I felt like one of those dolls asleep at the supermarket. Stuffed. And then I was 21. Like chapters skipped over on a DVD. I told myself, “This isn’t normal. This isn’t normal. This isn’t how life is supposed to feel…”)
I don’t I don’t I don’t exist – not were where her anywhere I don’t I don’t Where? Not her anywhere Somewhere around here Not time not body (time out of joint time out of mind)
I don’t exist. My mind does not exist. My bodies do not exist. No self none self non self. Psychosis – chaos – chaos – psychosis.
I do not I do not. I not not I’m not not real. I’m not real. Unreal and I’m not sure my vocalization, and I don’t vocalize the vowels but my voice disappears. My voice disappears – dissipates – deterritorialized. The voice disappears deterritorializes the voice my voice. The voice my voice disappears delirium.
You’ve seen I’ve Watched The TV Glow, yeah? I say to Asia. I was reading about it and watching clips from it. You watched the movie? says Asia. No. Do I ever watch movies? Just watching clips and reading about it. Did you like it? … Asia am I real? Is Pando real? Are you real? Yeah, says Asia. And yes I enjoyed the movie. I don’t feel real, I say. Fuck. I wrote in my notebook “I do not exist. Something exists. But it’s not me.” […] OK, if you’re real, you unconditionally love me. Even if I’m not real, you still unconditionally love me. I think that means that love is really really really big and powerful. Maybe the love is real even if we’re not real.. I mean if it helps you feel grounded, then sure, says Asia. It just seems like you are making the friendship into something supernatural and something that exists outside of yourself and that’s not true. It exists because of interactions between two entities and you are one of them, says Asia. Is what I wrote wrong? I say. I feel confused and bewildered. Our friendship is not a separate thing, says Asia. It is something that exists because of me and you building it intentionally, she says. If so, I feel worried, I say, because if I don’t exist, our friendship doesn’t exist. It means Pando doesn’t exist and you don’t unconditionally love Ben because Ben doesn’t exist. There is nothing then, right? OK, says Asia. Make it make sense. You were more than OK with acknowledging that our friendship was real until I pushed the fact that it doesn’t exist without you. You just don’t want to be a big part, she says. What if it’s like I Saw The TV Glow though? And I’m not this Ben and I’m not any Ben. Goddamn it, says Asia. Don’t even come at me using movies you haven’t even fucking watched because the whole point of the movie is that her real self was always there – she never left – it’s never too late – she was there the whole time. You can feel like you aren’t real and that’s fine but you are here and you are experiencing this even if it fucking sucks, she says. What I am trying to explain is something exists – I exist – but it’s not Ben. I don’t know what this is. If this Ben doesn’t exist, then how can Pando exist? How can you love a non-existent Ben? Ben is Ben, says Asia. Also, what a weird fucking argument to make to someone with a trans wife… Are you saying that you haven’t been Ben this whole time or that you just recently become not Ben? she says. I don’t know, I say. I was writing in my notebook just now: “Perhaps I never existed. I do not know if I previously existed and have how become nonexistent or if I have never existed… I do not exist, just disappearance… My life exists entirely in quotations – in other texts and never my own – intertextuality.” What, did my subconscious just invent someone to argue with? says Asia. I have my mother. That made me laugh, I say. Like my body exists – like this body is real, right? I’m walking around and doing laundry and shit, but my consciousness feels wrong. It doesn’t feel like Ben. It feels like something else. Another consciousness? Something else has invaded? Maybe Ben never existed? I’m not sure… Like I have Ben’s memories and I have his face, but I don’t feel Ben… So there is Ben and right now I am Not-Feeling-Ben… Does Pando stop existing when I am Not-Feeling-Ben? No, it doesn’t stop existing, says Asia. Thanks, I say. I was watching this video from Special Books For Special Kids, and they had a person who suffered from depersonalization and dissociation disorder. She experienced the dissociation part more but she said its origin is usually in trauma… I don’t think I have experienced any trauma, I say. Trauma to our brains and nervous systems doesn’t have to be a big event, says Asia. We aren’t logical creatures. Maybe it’s friendships you lost before or almost loss, she says. Why do you think Pando is so solid when I have lost other friendships? Because you stopped viewing it as something you were going to lose, says Asia. I thought you’d say it’s because we worked on it and built it up together, I say. I feel pretty confident in Pando. I know you don’t predict the future and you live in the moment of your relationship but to me, I see us growing all the time and that makes me feel secure we will be in each other’s lives for a long time, I say. That is also true, says Asia.
I disappear as strange as I do not exist and the jump does not exist I disappear strange inside
(It feels like someone… took a shovel and dug out all my insides. And I know there’s nothing in there, but I’m still too nervous to open myself up and check. I know there’s something wrong with me. My parents know too, even if they don’t say anything.)
I disappear strange inside always interior radically interior disappearance Desert disappears awkward jumps (I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend you could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in and if you do not want to see me again I would understand…) My life exists entirely in quotation – in other texts and never my own intertextuality…
//
In the city simultaneous time: city simultaneous sequence sequence city cellar door…
I do not exist in this Book or any Book – perhaps I only exist in Kindred or Pando...
In The City, Time Becomes Visible
In the city, time becomes visible
In the city, inward the city time innards Inward time city inward city time The city life becomes becoming
The city becomes becoming my body. I recognize my body as city – circulating city – cathedral city – city shutter sounds sound completely my gods. The incomplete city becomes becoming my in/complete body. City circulates populates in repetition: city pumps bloodstream multitudes ejected out of its highway veins and exit arteries. My body becomes unreal city and unreal city flows surreal and superreal. My body bodies apophatic – my bodies body negative presence and positive absence. My body pretends itself the city and then superimposes itself on the city – hermetical gospels invading the canon.
In the city, time becomes visible / time becomes variable. Time gives variable, the unknown in a large nonlinear equation (I approximate the city-body through numerical methods and sacred geometry)
//
City unscrolls Christina landscapes – Cezanne landscapes proto-cubist landscape
Christina presses the word from which I roll Christina persists she ghost word or word secret river softlings (river softer softlings)
City fucks pharmacy morning softlings Morning star swings mourning flail or skull holy water sprinkler City fucks pharmakon: city suicides and city body horror My skull sprinkles a sabbath mourning for a sabbath bride coming as my Kinder (Kindred corrupts the city: Kindred ceases city myocardial infarction)
In Saturn Sabbath, time becomes visible Time becomes visible a sabbath mourning for a sabbath bride I sleep sabbath bride coming as my Kinder / I sleep a wall of sound sabbath bride
(City sounds Samples of speech car horns door slam air brake subway cities pile driver boat horns)
I sleep city sounds and bride thick distortion Bride and bells and big bells brickwalls desert leather / heather wholly word / word holes gridded bodies (city grid bodies) I ground my body in alligator graphite I ground my body in garden of eden eschaton and excrement / tree of knowledge of good and evil
Christina presses the word from which I roll: city life city sounds city where time becomes visible
//
In the city, times becomes visible Time becomes visible messianic time and apostolic time and eschatological time
Inwards the city time mingles pitchfork time to recover the plague bodies from the residential houses Frankenstein’s Monster time tremors city fires, and my innards spill out coded homosexuality City innards disembowel through visible time: time machetes tick time chainsaws tailor holy water sprinkler time (I pitchfork city suicides and bodies degraded by heat waves)
What scary movie did you watch? I ask Christina. It was about a family that works in a carnival. Does the family kidnap people and kill them? Yes! And one of them has a grotesque face. Oh! Where The Devil Roams. Never mind, I say. I was thinking of another one called The Funhouse. Was it good? Good but unsettling, says Christina.
In the city, time becomes visible horror / time becomes visible violence (Devil roams. I was a grotesque family that scary movie.)
I adore horror. Horror – like intense love and intense sorrow – conjures human primordial. Horror vibrates retrograde into my spinal cord, reverting me back into my oceanic ancestry. Sometimes in my Cloud of Unknowing and my Head of Horrors, among all my scattered bipolar thoughts and existential anxieties, all I really desire is her Gospel. I desire her horrific Gospel and terrorizing Gospel to be fully absorbed into the cosmic horror of KRYSXTRYN + Asia Rhizome. Her love remixes / intermixes horror – cosmic horror and body horror.
In the city, time becomes visible horror (He was a homicidal maniac who lived to kill! Filmed in Psychovision) My hypomania amplifies into homicidal mania and mania maximalist horror I view mania it was the devil roams I view psychovision: I was the face I was the grotesque face in face bone time
(A horror host is a person who acts as the host or presenter of a program where horror movies and low-budget B movies are shown on television or the internet. Usually the host assumes a horror-themed persona, often a campy and humorous one. Generally there are breaks in the film where the host comments on various aspects of the movie. Many horror hosts shows also include skits involving the hosts themselves, sometimes with a sidekick or supporting character.)
In the city, time hosts horror / my body flayed open hosts horror and cave horrors I descend into untimed strata of the city
In the city, time becomes visible (visible internal organs visible dismemberment) Inward the city time / inwards time city inward time the city becomes becoming (I become a host for horror: I become a lust for horror. Grotesque family the host is a grotesque movie did you watch – it was a grotesque family that scary movie.)
I adore horror: city horror and body horror and even Kindred horrors. I adore and host horrors (Many a horror lost a horror movie and low budget B movies. My low budget body distorts grotesque – my face grotesque – a comic horror. I undress the horror my brutal body brutalized horrors. I adore horror like I adore Christina.)
//
I adore Christina as I adore horror
Christina persists ghost word or word a secret river softling (soft duck and soft duck duck ghost) Christina Christina press word scythe pink Christina press pink ice (Pink horror host assail are shows also includes skits involving of the family that scary movies are shows also include skits.)
Christina press pink ice pink pink ice being (frost bipartisan my hair pink) Christina presses the word from which I roll ragtime mixolydian / mixolydian nitroglycerin ignites a night music…
Christina presses the word include skits in the host is a grotesque family that scary movie
A horror host is a person who acts as a host or trepan of a program frame horror films. I was thinking of another one called Madhouse.
//
You watch any horror? says C. (Scared is OK. Part of being human. I would prefer to find a way to cope.) Used to, I say. I just watch video essays on horror now. Ah, says C. I look them up on Wikipedia and listen to podcasts about them, she says. We are truly Kindred, I say. I also look them up on Wikipedia. I used to love watching them but anxiety. Same, says Christina.
In the city, what What and you just also scary one watch watch look movie In the city, time becomes I was grotesque part now (Part now part time simultaneous)
In the city, simultaneous time: city simultaneous sequence sequence city cellar. Simultaneous used about face oh of look to: a where being them love family City simultaneous sequence a up watching that Devil human on them (get the money dollar dollar bills ya’ll)
Simultaneous cities simultaneous Does the family hidden people hell them and one of them but a grotesque gone / grotesque gone
I adore the horror of the city and the horror of my body In the city, time and body becomes visible
I Count Space Spilled Into The Silence
Count space spill into space Count space space into the spill
Count – count amount sound – count sounds silence sounds surround count – count – count
Count space spill into space: count space space into the fall (count spar any space / this is where time becomes space)
Count this is where time becomes becomes
Count this where is time becomes space amount sound space
Count where time spills into space spills into space spills
Count space spill into space: count space space into the rain fill spill
Count spar any space / this is where time becomes space
(Anxious space spill span)
Count space without wait
Haste space trace kenosis
Count spare space any space spill any space
Anxious space spill span time
(Count space without wait
Spill trace space kenosis)
I amount to surround myself silences in silences (separated space: until space). I spill into the silence my body space among spaces (separate space / united space). I listen to some silence, some names, some spell quiet – space in magical alphabets. This is where time becomes space: space in space alphabet and space spill space alphabet. Quiet announces alphabet in silent speech. I walk around quiet the sun up there there up there, and I line – learn – layer – reap – silent light and abundant light space spilling. I amount to surround myself silences.
Count space spill into the space / count space space into the spill
Speed empty space speed
Speed empty space space
(Count space interruption at the zero
Count with the zero towards zero)
Space spills spurious dark splice: I splice upright count about silence
(I dread the zero. I weigh the zero plunged into kenosis.)
(Kenosis zero zero khora creeping carnal space crucifixions)
//
Count the silence and continue the silence – but how? Through her unutterable name and unspeakable name
Most of them have very specific names Most of them most of them Most of them have most of them I have name and names unspeakable holy (John Cage says: Which is more musical, a truck passing by a factory or a truck passing by a music school? Are the people inside the music school musical and the ones outside unmusical? What if the ones inside can’t hear very well, would that change my question?)
Most of them have very specific names her names radical question – musical and unmusical question silence Most of her names question into silence / KRYSXTRYN + Asia Rhizome
(Interest in sounds – silences – points toward a holy music and a holy noise and a holy quiet, and no differences exist among these. I sound holy and I name holy as silences, and silence participates Holy Holy Holy Lord God Almighty / Silence plays time-space her Holy Holy Holy Ineffable Name-Sound Woman.)
It’s been a long time since I felt god, says Asia. The most recent time was when I went to the Quaker meeting. Everyone was sitting in silence and I just became aware of the fact that every single one of the people around me wanted a better world and had goodwill towards each other. Felt very warm, says Asia.
Noise letters silence: sabbath noise and paradoxical noisy silence. In my silence, I pronounce secret YHVH Elohim Sabaoth: armies of sabbath and hosts of silence. Noise litters letters silence the nonexistence difference between names (all names are her name). All names are her name and most of them specific names (her specific names pronounce all names name singular and singularity). Most names split split her scientific names hitch names holy holy holy.
(Names inhabit around me when I went time Truck passes factory music since I felt everyone was when I went time I just became aware of the Quaker meeting everyone was when I went time spills out silence)
Count the silence and continue the silence in names meeting noise noise names Count name noises holy holy holy silence outside the music school
//
Count space spill into space Count space space spiral time (Count speculum any space, this is where time keeps sabbath space)
(I dread the zero. I weight the zero plunges into kenosis)
(I dread the zero anxious space space additive space)
This is where time becomes space
Time everyone was when I went time was when I went time
Single one wanted a better time and just became aware of time
This is where time converges into quiet sabbaths and noise-silence specific names
It’s been a body time since I felt god. The will recent time was from
I went by the Quaker meeting. Everyone was sitting in silence and I back
facade unify in the swan that exact circle one in the coarse around
me wanted a tartars world and had good will towards each other.
Felt very warm.
I experience / experiment the zero in anxious space and shaking zero time noise. I quake at the swing of the zero and I wish Christina was here (how I wish how I wish you were here we’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year). I wish Christina was anywhere and she’d share my anxious space and we share this anxious hallucination and delusion draw space zero quiet deluge. We share anxious art of the covenant and I swim in the zone of zero. I wish Christina was here and she would appear at the zero and awake zero, here our shares void. I know Christina impossible and I know Christina without the idea of counting. I know Christina in the silent noise and noisy silence.
Empty space speeds toward zero, an anxious zero and an agitated zero. I feel anxious about my conversations with Asia tomorrow – what if I fuck up again – what if I become an anxious meltdown and I only speak and act in this zero? Nevertheless, I will talk to her and I will write my anxiety. I write kenosis in my anxiety drone noise silent drone. Noise surrounds me in the zero space-filling curve. Noise surrounds anxious action activity additive zero (The zero of my brain branches zero and silent singularities). I speak the zero often anxious zero claustrophobic (I count claustrophobic frictions anxious metafiction).
I exist silent zero anxious Christina and Asia
Count space spill into space (Quiet space silence zero and zero silence)
Anxious empty space speed empty empty space
Unearth Gut Ugly
Unearth gut ugly
Malformed ben body
Vomit voluptuous contradictions:
Cock. Cunt. Spinal cord spasms.
Unearth ben body fungus
Mold festering monstrosity
Puke pestilence body decays:
Rotted cock. Melted cunt. Spinal cord slime.
Ben body blots earth soaked with blood and fat.
Vision and Mysticism 